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Author Topic: Boyfriend angry about my fantasies
natalie_o
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My boyfriend has asked me a couple of times before whether I have any secret fantasies he didn't know about. I was nervous about how he would react so mostly I talked about fantasies which are fairly 'vanilla' - such as having sex on a beach - until one time he asked me what I thought about when I pleasured myself and I decided, since we trust each other and have been together for four years, to tell the truth.

I told him about my longest held fantasy about being a model and the photographer forcing me to have sex with him. My boyfriend was really shocked about this rape fantasy at first and then when I told him I didn't want to act it out or anything, he got angry that 'some other man' (the photographer) got me hot. He said he felt jealous that I would think about this guy (and not him) during my personal moments.

It upsets me because I don't love him any less and the 'man' in my fantasy doesn't even really have a face, no identity at all apart from that he is a photographer. My boyfriend doesn't understand that my fantasy is for in my head, not real life. How can I make him understand? I know he's still upset about it.

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love from Natalie x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It is very, very unusual for any person to find only one person in the world appealing or attractive. If and when we have sexually exclusive relationships, it's rarely about anyone only finding a single person is the only person that has appeal, but instead about people choosing to only be with one person of all (however many all is) the people they may find attractive or appealing or otherwise want to be with.

I assume you know that: does your boyfriend? Does he not find any other people but you, for real, attractive or appealing? He asked a lot about your fantasies. Did you two talk about his?

As well, how does he generally do in taking care of his own challenging feelings, including taking responsibility for them?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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natalie_o
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I definitely understand that but I think my boyfriend struggles to come to terms with the idea that I might be attracted to other people (even if I don't act on it).

He has a bit of a problem with double standards. He interrogates me with questions about things that I know (and I think he knows) will annoy him when he hears the answers. So he persistently asks, I eventually answer and he gets angry. By this point, I didn't have a chance to ask him about his fantasies because he spent so long fussing about mine. Interesting though that the only fantasy he has since admitted to when I asked is that he would like to have a threesome with two of me (impossible!) which suggests he would like a threesome but doesn't want to admit finding someone (anyone) else attractive.

I guess that last bit leads us to our answer about how he takes responsibility for his own feelings... he doesn't really...

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love from Natalie x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, before we say anything else, do you think that this is a healthy relationship?

That includes there being things like equity and parity, each person taking responsibility for their feelings and NOT employing double standards, and resolving conflict in healthy ways.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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natalie_o
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No, I think you're right - the relationship in certain ways isn't entirely healthy but in other ways is very stable and loving. The problem is I sometimes find it difficult identifying what it is about my boyfriend's behaviour that is damaging or 'abusive' (for want of a better, less harsh word). When I do know, I don't know how to go about resolving these deeper rooted issues properly, but I do want to - I'm not prepared to give up what is largely a strong and happy relationship.

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love from Natalie x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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How about a toss you a link that's a check-in about healthy relationships? Then you can get some help identifying what you think is healthy, and what you think isn't, and we can talk some more.

Okay? If so, that's here: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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natalie_o
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I've found it difficult to isolate areas where I think there are problems, even using your link which is very good...

I have been looking for a job for six weeks and was finally offered one while I was on holiday to begin this week. I missed my first day - Monday - because it was my partner's 21st birthday and I had flown in that morning with no sleep. I stayed over, got even less sleep because I had to share a single bed with a 6'2" man (thought i could at least have slept on the sofa but apparently not) and went to work for the first day. The job is a supervisor position and I was very lucky to get it without experience and I have learnt that other people already working there wanted it, so I feel I have to prove myself. I have been asked to work over the weekend shifts (the busiest) to learn the ropes more quickly and so I can't go to my boyfriend's birthday party over the weekend, which he is having about 3 hours drive from where we live. He's really disappointed, to the point of having a go at me about the fact that I didn't feel I could ask my boss for time off immediately after starting. What should I do? I could ask for the time off today, but it seems so unfair on the other workers, most of whom are in every day, and I don't want to seem unreliable with my boss and the people I'm meant to be supervising!

This is what I mean when I say I get confused - am I being unreasonable or cowardly? I know I promised to go to my boyfriend's party - and 21 is a big deal - but I've got a new commitment now.

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love from Natalie x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Asking for time off RIGHT when you're starting a new job usually is poor form when it comes to employment. Sometimes when you walk into a job, if you feel very secure it in, you can say, "I can start that week, but I have one prior commitment on X date: is it okay for me to have that day off?"

But even that can be iffy, especially at a time when it's so tough for so many people to find jobs.

So, no, I don't think you're being unreasonable. Sometimes in life, timing stinks. It just does. For sure, I understand your boyfriend being bummed out, as it is a bummer, but so are you. Bummed-out-ness aside, though, you need to support yourself. Ideally, a partner could recognize that and get okay with it, even if they feel bummed.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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