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Author Topic: masturbation issues
worriedme
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...yes, another one. After years of thinking I was the only one having trouble with this, I was finally able to tell a friend about it and then I seached all over the internet for similar cases and we found this site. It's been some time since we did it, I just did a lot of reading here and never again talked about it... but nothing new happened, so I thought I really should ask someone who knew more about it.

I did everything that was recomended here, everything that was possible for me. The truth is I never had any real privacy in my home. Even now I'm in my early twenties (23 to be exact) and I can't lock my own room's door, but I've had some time alone at home, the bathtime and bedtime (If I fake I'm already sleeping I can close my door and no one enters), and I just can't make it work. What makes me really worried is... when I was 17 I had a boyfriend (he was 21), he was not my first one but was the first to touch me in a more intimate way. I think the "scenario" couldn't be worse than it was: it was the first boyfriend my family knew about, and they restrained us A LOT. They wouldn't let me go out alone with him, and we used to "date" in my room, with the door totally opened and my mother in the living room that was just the next room, frequently passing through the hallway to know what we were doing. I was so afraid of her in the begining I didn't even wanted to kiss him, because she saw it once and almost fainted. In the third time dating like this I could get a little more relaxed because my mom stopped checking us and only called me from times to times. We started kissing a lot, and after some time he went to touch me. I was so surprised and nervous I couldn't move, because I was very shy, we were not very close yet and I was still afraid of my mom. It seems like a story that could have made me traumatized or something like this, right? Maybe it's a surprising thing that it was actually extremely good. The moment he touched me I felt a strong pleasure. I was still very shy, and tense about the situation with my mom so close, but I couldn't stop him. We had to stop it soon because my mom called me when she found it weird she couldn't hear we talking, what made me a little more nervous, but the day after I let him do it all again, and it was awesome just like the first time, but we couldn't do it for long just like the day before. We haven't had the chance to do it again, because a few weeks later we had some problems and I ended our relationship.

This was the only two times I felt real pleasure in my life. it's been 6 years and I just can't get the feeling again, even thoug what he did was preety basic and I've had tried it in more favorable situations. After some time I just stopped trying alone, thinking that maybe I couldn't do it alone and if someone else did it for me, it would work again. In the past years I had some boyfriends but didn't got really close to them, so I couldn't try it before, but it's been 5 months since I'm with a wonderful guy I trust and feel very close, but he can't make me feel the same way; it was a little better than trying alone, but still, it's far from the intense pleasure I felt years ago. I can't even qualify what I felt with him as "pleasure", because it was only so-so. We couldn't try yet with total privacy for a longer time, but we had some quality time alone and I'm back on thinking something is not right with me. We only tried 5 or 6 times until now, and I'm already feeling more frustrated than ever, because I've always had a very strong sexual desire and I still can't get any satisfation even with a partner. I really have no idea of what can be wrong. Maybe it was the teenager hormones wich helped me feel that way before? Please, I really need help, I can't stand being frustrated anymore and I want to have a normal sexual life with my boyfriend.

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Heather
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Hey there, worriedme: I'm nearing the end of my workday, so this post asks a little more of my brain than I have available, and I want to be sure not to shortchange you.

So, if someone else doesn't step in before I'm back tomorrow morning with fresh, sparkly brain cells, I'll make sure to get started talking with you first thing.

Sorry for the wait!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Sorry it took me so long to get to the boards this morning! I appreciate your patience.

When you talk about only feeling real pleasure twice in your life, I assume you mean specifically sexual pleasure? Please is a very big thing, and is about more than sex. Only feeling like you felt sexual pleasure twice so far would be a very different thing than only feeling ANY kind of pleasure twice, which is why I ask.

This wonderful guy you're with now: do you have strong sexual feelings for him? In other words, do you feel sexual desire that's specifically about him?

There really aren't "teenager hormones." rather, in adolescence, we start building levels of some hormones that we'll have in adulthood. So, it's not like those come then go away when people aren't teens anymore. Sexual desire and sexual pleasure is also about a whole lot more than neurochemicals.

With the sexual issues around your Mom you clearly feel were traumatic for you: have you ever gotten any counseling to try processing and working through those feelings?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedme
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That's ok, I had very little time to get back here until now too. =) Thank you for your concern and your time, it's very important to me.

Yes, I mean sexual pleasure. If by pleasure we mean anything that feels good without being specifically sexual, that's just normal for me, I just couldn't get sexual pleasure anymore.

He does inspire me a very strong desire, in a growing scale as we know more about each other's bodies, desires and feelings. We have a strong chemistry, wich I didn't had with "the" boyfriend, what makes everything looks weirder to me. Logically speaking, I see absolutely no reason why this is happening. We get "on fire" preety quickly but we take our time, after a while I become anxious in a positive way when he starts to touch my body and it feels great, but when he get right where I wanted... it's really nothing special. I enjoy the feeling of being so intimate with him, it's even pleasurable in a non-sexual way, but that's preety much it. I just enjoy the rest of it, but after all I end up wondering why I can't feel better than this if everything else is so good.

I know I have real problems with my mom, what made me talk a lot about it with close friends and my boyfriend. I thought it could be a problem, but I think now it's something less important than it was before. I used to be very troubled with the different things she inspired me when I was younger, she encouraged me to act sexy since I was a child and really tried to be modern, but the only really good thing she ever told me about sex and everything related is the practical part, about how to be safe and things like that. She made a lot of effort to tell me it's natural, but sometimes she comndenates veemently some sexual practics, and once she told me only a "whore" would have sex with her boyfriend before at least 6 months of relationship. I don't agree with her at all, and I don't act according to her beliefs anymore (I actually did until I was 19), but I feel a little hurt and ashamed when she tells those things and a LOT hurt and ashamed when she notices something and seems to think I'm not "pure" or something like that. It's not how I feel, but it's horrible to see that's the way she thinks, and that's why I'm not comfortable to talk to her about it. Maybe that's the cause I can't masturbate, but far from her, I feel no guilt and no shame (I feel nothing of the sort about masturbating, I just don't feel really comfortable and safe to do it in our home). I used to feel it and be extremely shy, but I'm ok now, specially with this new relationship. I don't know exactly why, but if I still had some bad things about sexuality in my mind, he made me overcome everything. I never felt so free with someone before him.

It's a really weird thing. I don't think about the things my mom tells me when he touches me, nothing of the sort, but I still can't get the feeling I knew before, when I was worried, shy and even a little uncomfortable thinking maybe I wasn't pure because there was someone touching me. I didn't enjoyed to feel that way, but things worked so well that no shame or guilt could stop me from doing it again, even with my mom so close (it's not like I would get the chance to do it far from her at the time, so I was more than willing to risk). I just can't understand why it's not working...

[ 05-19-2011, 07:38 PM: Message edited by: worriedme ]

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Heather
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It's fantastic how well you can articulate all of this, and I appreciate you being so clear and candid. It makes helping a lot easier. It should also make getting to the kind of place you want to be easier, even though I know it might feel pretty daunting right now.
You know, sometimes when it feels like our sexual or emotional shackles are coming off, it can actually be its own kind of pressure. Obviously if and when that's happening, it's something we'll tend to want to follow and make the most of, and if things aren't as we imagine, it can be pretty rough. It may be -- not saying it is, but may be -- that your expectations around this and ideals just aren't a good fit for what's actually happening right now. And what's happening right now absolutely may not be what will always be happening, though with the history you're describing, I can totally understand why you might fear that possibility.

It sounds like the chemistry is all there, and like the big issues are around genital touching and sensation. Is that right? If so, how have things gone with other kinds of touching, with the rest of your body? Is that feeling good to you, and feeling "like something?"

If we can set aside how things felt years ago (especially since it's not uncommon for first sensations to feel very intense, in a different way than they might later), when you say things feel like nothing special, or not what you expect, can you fill me in a bit more on what you're expecting? In terms of feeling things genitally, are you taking LOTS of time with other touch first? Are you ever letting go of your worries and anxieties, do you think, when you are engaged in that kind of touch? If so, has it felt any different then?

As well, have you been honest with this partner about this, or is this something you've been keeping to yourself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedme
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Well, I really gave it some thought trying to find the causes, so I have a pretty good general idea about the whole thing, but I have to say I had to think about it a little now. I'm trying not to panic and not to let my frustration get the better of me, so you can really expect me to help you help me. =)

Now that you said that, I think it's just like this. I used to be uncomfortable and very nervous while having my body touched, but it's pretty easy now. I can relax and really enjoy having my breasts and everywhere else touched and even kissed. As I'm getting more used to share my body with someone, it just gets better and better. Yeah, it feels "like something" for me... could it be that maybe I'm just not "ready" yet, or didn't had enough time with those kind of touches to have my genitals touched, even though it was so fast and easy before? I never thought about it before, because of the past and because I wanted to be touched every time he touched me, but could it be a possibility?

I'm really taking my past experience as a goal and example of how I should feel. I breathed faster, felt my whole body very hot and became very sensitive in my genitals, feeling something different in the whole area and a little in my belly and legs too, even if just a small part of it was being touched, so that's what I'm expecting. It was very intense, but it seems to me it's normal signs of sexual pleasure. What I feel now is not this on a smaller scale, it feels really different. I can be very wet, hot and full of desire, but his touch feels just like it was me just washing myself in the bath. I don't feel more sensitive than the usual, I can feel the touch a little more in areas like the clitoris, but like I said, it doesn't feel different from a normal touch. Sometimes my breath gets heavier, but I feel like it's more because of the touch in other areas and the kisses. My body heats just a little and I feel a very little pleasure when he inserts his finger, what made me stop him from attempting to estimulate my clitoris and go for what works even a little. As I try to describe, I think of new possibilities... maybe I'm really anxious, but it's like this because we have little private time. We go out a lot, but we don't really spend a lot of time together in a good old closed and private space, so when we have the chance we have so much desire for each other that we try to do things a little faster. I get nervous too because I can't masturbate alone, so I don't know how to help him to please me. Worrying or not seems to have made little difference until now. Our best attempt was somewhat risky, but the moment felt better, I think.

I'm not totally honest with him. He already knows I could never masturbate, and I told him I couldn't get a really strong feeling yet because we've had not a lot of time and privacy, but he has no clue about my frustration. It would be weird to tell him what I felt before, and maybe cruel to tell he can't make me feel the same. I plan on telling him more about what I feel (or rather, about what I'm trying to feel and haven't yet) if it gets worse, and by worse I mean if we can get more time and privacy but nothing changes. I told him all I thought it was necessary for him to help me, because I think it would be worse if he knew nothing at all, but maybe explaining more about it would put him under pressure and make things even worse, because he wants so much to please me.

[ 05-19-2011, 10:48 PM: Message edited by: worriedme ]

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Heather
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Again, have to give you props for what deep stock you take of things. It's pretty amazing.

For sure, it could be you're not having the level of sensation you want or expect genitally because you're moving to fast to that kind of touch when it happens. Our genitals get much more sensitive when we're very turned on, so they'll usually have much more feeling after plenty of time with other touch first than without it. Just wanting to be touched and feeling desire for someone alone doesn't mean we're as turned on as we can get.

But psychological things can get in the way, too. One biggie is not sharing how we're feeling with a partner and keeping it all or most of it inside. It can feel like keeping a big secret during sexual activity, or even pretending/faking, which is a lot to be holding onto, and a lot which can really bum out how you feel physically as well as emotionally.

I don't think it's cruel to feel however you feel. Our sexual partners don't have magic control over our bodies, they can just influence them. But our bodies also do their own thing a lot of the time, and it's not like they or we owe our partners a certain way of responding. Do you know what I mean by that?

Now, if you don't feel ready to share things like this yet, that's okay, but it might also mean it might be a good idea to step things back a bit more as you build that trust and that level of sexual communication. Too, it seems clear the lack of privacy is a big issue, so that might be something else where maybe you might want to slow down with sex until you find a solution to that.

If you feel like you can't talk about this with him because he can't handle it and is so invested in you responding a certain way, that could be an indication maybe he needs to develop a bit more of his own esteem and confidence more before being sexual partners at this level is sound. When we're ready to be someone's partner, one thing we need to be able to be ready to handle is that a) their pleasure isn't totally about us or in our control and b) it's just not going to happen sometimes or for a while, and we need to be able to not take that too personally.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedme
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Thank you! =) It's really good to know I'm dealing with it in the right way.

So... I think I need to really put in my mind the fact that my past experiences is not helping me at all, is that right? At least, if you didn't said anything about my expectations I can assume I'm not expecting nothing unrealistic, what really shouldn't be, because I really felt that way; but maybe what happened in the past is troubling me instead of giving me a good idea of what I should expect or something like that. Let me know if I'm getting it right: I think that maybe a great part of the problem is my expectation of feeling what I want so immediatly and even out of the "right" conditions like I felt before. I thought that, if I could feel so good if I was so nervous, unprepared and didn't really kissed a lot before, now things should work the same way. It's really weird to think that before I wasn't even touched in other areas and he went straight for my panties after a few minutes of kissing but I still felt great right off the bat, and now it will not work anymore for some reason.

Is it really such a big deal? The first time it was really strange, It wasn't feeling really good but I let him do it for some time thinking it could get good if I tried to wait patiently and enjoy, until I was convinced it wasn't going well and asked him to stop. I was becoming a little tense about not feeling the way I felt before, wich was a bad surprise for me, so in the other attempts I decided I'd try not to expect anything and just feel whatever there was to feel. I didn't felt like I was hiding something, but it's true that it was difficult to feel the pressure alone, and that's why I made it clear to him after some time it wasn't so good, but I didn't explained much to him. He didn't reacted bad, he's always very understanding and open for everything I tell him, but for some reason I'm afraid he can become anxious and frustrated, maybe it's because we're both unexperienced.

We actually have a great comunication, we even discuss very openly a lot of things we'd like to try sexually when we're ready, and we agree and like the fact we're having to learn and search for information together, but I'm afraid to shatter this "happy-go-lucky" feeling we've had until now in our relationship. Funny thing is I had no idea I felt this way until now that you made me think about it. It's been everything so easy and perfect since the begining! This was the first thing not going so smooth for us, and maybe this made me feel more pressured too as soon as I saw it was not easy like the rest.

I don't really think he'll react bad if I tell him I'm frustrated, but I think he'd be disappointed as I was if he gets to know the real extent of the problem, so I wanted to protect him from feeling like I'm feeling and stop acting naturally and be so worried about me he'd stop enjoying himself. I also feel a little pressure because he already told me a lot of times he wants to give me tons of pleasure and make me orgasm, and I know he doesn't mean it out of pride or something like that, but he actually wants me to feel as great as he thinks I deserve and I end up feeling that he could be upset thinking he's not being good or sufficient to me. He's always being positive about everything, he tells me he's always trying to do a better man so we can be together and it's with this great state of mind that he always faces any little problem in our relationship, but even so, I'm afraid. Maybe I don't really have any logical reason, it's just how I feel.

Talking about it is opening my eyes, I have a lot of fears I didn't knew I had... I do feel ready to share everything with him, as we already share very naturally a lot of very intimate feelings and thoughts; we haven't gone far yet in experiences together but we're in the habit of telling every little thing we want to do to/with each other, but it's actually harder to talk about something that's not going right even if we seem to have everything we need to make it work (anything but time and privacy).

I want to thank you a lot for your help, attention and patience until now! Things are a lot clearer now than before. I'm writing so much, I hope I'm not bothering you... trying to resume, maybe these are the central problems:

- I can't stop thinking about why I can't feel pleasure so easily as I felt before
- I'm afraid things can become worse if my boyfriend starts to feel anxious about it
- We have little time, little privacy and lots of desire for each other and things we'd like to try
- I'm also very anxious because I can't please myself too, so he inspires me a lot and I become sexually tense because I can't get even a little more satisfied by myself and have high hopes for the job to be done when we are together.

I don't know how yet, but I'll think about how to talk about it with him without making him worry too much. We've been talking about finding a place for us to do things with calm for some time now, because he's also troubled by our hurry until now and wants to go slower, and that's what made me finally search for help. I wanted to prepare mentally and masturbate alone, so I could be really secure that this time together we'll finally have won't turn to be another frustrating event for me. I don't feel pressured by him, because he says he is just expecting to have a good time together in a slower pace and taking our time getting more intimate and accustomed to each other's body; I'm the one getting all anxious and fearing that it won't work and I'll be more frustrated than ever. We never had much time, so I was afraid that all the precious time and privacy we can get will be wasted because of me and my masturbation problems. Maybe I'm a lot more pressured than I thought...

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Heather
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Our sexual history usually isn't something we can just forget, and whatever came before will usually have an influence on how we experience sexuality. At the same time, I do think it's wise to try to never get stuck in the past (especially since, too, our memory of anything in the past can often get rosier as time goes by), and to try to mostly focus on whatever our present is.

As much as you can, I think it's always best to try to let go of expectations around how sex will be or feel, and to remember that our experiences and sensations are sometimes ever-changing, just like the whole rest of our lives.

As well, we always want to remember that more often than not, when we're new to sex and/or new to a given partner, it's common for sex not to feel as great as it can, because there is always a learning curve.

I understand how you're feeling about bringing something serious or not-ideal to the table in a relationship which so far has been so easygoing, and to a partner who clearly is really invested in your pleasure. But it sounds like this relationships has been going really wonderfully, and in a good relationships, dealing with some tougher stuff usually only deepens it, honestly. It sounds, too, like you might want to talk about working to be sure that his investment in your pleasure doesn't wind up feeling like pressure to you: it sounds like in some sense, it might be having that effect. Maybe see if you two can't talk about finding a balance and making sure sex and touch between you is always understood as about exploring pleasure, not trying to get results?

It also sounds like he's asking to slow things down a little already, which makes a lot of sense to me. I think you might benefit from taking a bunch of sexual steps back, spending more time with non-genital touch, for instance, and building up to that more gradually. And by all means, if the prospect of having some real privacy and time together for sex of any kind is exciting, but also makes you anxious around expectations, try and talk about that, too.

I don't feel at all bothered, I promise. Like I said, I'm really impressed with your clarity and self-awareness here. It seems like you have a lot of the information you need to sort this all out already, it's just mostly a matter of reminding yourself it's all okay and that not meeting expectations -- yours or someone else's -- is also okay. And again, it's clear that a lot of what you've so clearly expressed here should probably also be so clearly shared with your partner, which, however daunting at first, I think will actually leave you feeling a lot less anxious.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedme
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I think you're right... there was times before I felt the same way about telling him that something was not so right about us, just little things that was bothering me in his behavior, and I was just like this, almost panicking thinking very hard about how to tell him; but in the end I thought of words that seemed right to me and his response was always so positive I don't know why I'm still afraid of dicussing serious things with him. Maybe it's because I already felt bad about this for a long time before meeting him and it's still bothering me, and maybe I'm also always afraid that the relashionship of my dreams could become troubled and distant for any reason. I was really waiting for someone like him for a long time, but after months with him I'm still learning and adapting my mind, which sometimes makes me afraid and anxious like that, but also brings me joy. I already learned that sharing our lives so deeply with someone else is not always an easy task, but it's also very enriching and rewarding, and I know he feels the same way.

The part about thinking more about the exploration without focusing on results makes sense for me. I thought before that a "bad" goal was to focus on orgasms, but it seems to me now that the urge to feel something I'm searching for so many time it's taking its toll on me. Learning that is making me gradually less inclined to be so anxious, maybe I just need some more time ruminating the problem and talking about it with my boyfriend to get over it.

Taking steps back seems a little weird as I used to thought it was bad in a relationship, but I feel really happy to realize it's a good and normal thing and we even did it before without noticing with other things.

I'm also glad you don't feel bothered! I never thought I'd get real help with it and a really deep and caring one, at that. I see in some other posts people who give up and don't take the most of it, but I hope there's always a lot who search for help here. It's not easy to be sexually healthy in a society where everything related to it it's still a taboo and we only find information about how to protect against diseases and positions to try, so we're left alone to deal with the most profound aspects of it.

I see a lot of sexually active people are physically protected because there's a lot of information about it, but emotionally unprotected and unsatisfied, wondering if they are normal or what the hell could be wrong with them. I'm sure dealing with the problem I have now would have been a lot easier if I suspected there was a website like Scarleteen before, I could have solved my anxiety before this could be bad to the relationship I have now. I don't think it's too late, though; I feel very confident now.

I still need some time, but I'll think about it, make sure I'm calm and talk about everything with my partner, and then I'll be back to tell you how is it going and be sure to support and spread a word about Scarleteen! =)

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
It's not easy to be sexually healthy in a society where everything related to it it's still a taboo and we only find information about how to protect against diseases and positions to try, so we're left alone to deal with the most profound aspects of it.
I really appreciate how you put this into words. I agree, so, so often information about sex is either about the worst outcomes or the most trite parts, and this is a real problem for so, so many people.

It sounds like you've got some really good thoughts, ideas and strategies to move forward with. By all means, if you need to talk again or want to check in as you progress with this, we're happy to talk with you. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedme
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Hi there! It's been a long time, but I'm back now with a lot more things to talk about.

First of all, I still can't masturbate. The subject of my post was a little forgotten by me in the process here, and I hadn't attempted sooooo much, but it stills something I wanted to understand and overcome. Me and my boyfriend live far from each other because of his job, and I get a little frustrated about not being capable of getting alone the pleasure he could give me. Also, when I’m with him, I can’t tell him how to please me while masturbating, because I just don’t know, so my only option is to try with him, which produces more results. When I’m alone, full of desire and my imagination is working well, if I try to touch myself it seems like the “magic” slips away. Is that weird?

I don't know how to judge my progress with my boyfriend. I'm confused about it because my clitoris became a lot more sensitive while he stimulated my whole body, but I can't tell if what I felt when he touched me there was pleasure or just a touch in an area that was very sensitive. I felt a strong sensation, but it became just... well, boring, after some minutes. I can't stop thinking there can be some problem with my clitoris, because I tried a good variety of touches with and without him, but it's not the part that feels better, and it looks like it should be. We tried oral sex, but I don't feel a lot when he tries to stimulate the clitoris alone. It feels a lot better in the labia and the vagina... is that normal? I mean, shouldn't the clitoris be the center of a woman's pleasure? Oral sex just feels really good when he focus more on the labia and vagina or inserts his finger while performing it.

But there’s some good news too! We’re getting more time alone when we see each other, so a lot of the pressure is gone. My mom seems to be gradually accepting that I’m a woman and I have a boyfriend, and all the healthy things that can happen between us don’t change the person I am or the fact I’m still her precious daughter. I still don’t like the idea of sharing anything of my sexuality with her, but she tried to talk about it and she was calm, just telling me I should protect myself and things like that, that she understood I was with someone I loved and who obviously loves and respects me, what makes me very relieved from the pressure.

Also, I didn’t talked with my boyfriend yet because I decided to try more before letting him worried about me, and it’s going well. I'm following your advice of just enjoying whatever is happening instead of being anxious to feel "something" and it's working really well, I feel better and better with our intimacy as we try more and get closer, so I think it’s just a matter of time, but the new things that started happening between us with the bigger space we got to get intimate gave me more doubts.

I don’t think I’m moving too fast, as there’s no thing like and order of sexual practices to try, but I want to make sure everything is healthy. We spent 5 days together in his last visit, and we took our time to try new things in a slow pace. Before we only tried masturbating each other, so we felt like trying oral sex too, and in the last day things got hotter and we ended up trying penetration. To tell the truth, we tried it before the last day, but very briefly, as we noticed I wasn’t sufficiently wet as soon as he made contact and we forced a little bit, so we decided to try again latter.

In the first attempt of the last day I was very wet and his lubrication was helping too, but it hurt a little and he didn’t wanted to force more. We decided to try again later with more time, and so we did. We had a real lot of time to heat things up and I felt my hymen was stretching a lot more, but it still hurt after some point, and no matter how much time we tried to heat even more, it wasn’t going any further. Being on top, I decided to push more and retreat, doing it one time after another. It would only hurt when pushing, and not every time, so I thought it was ok, but at some point we had an unexpected visit and had to stop. I went to the bathroom and there was a very little bleeding. I didn’t cared, but after some time I went to the bathroom again and there was a considerably large dry blood stain in my panties. I was very surprised, because I didn’t felt the bleeding and there was absolutely no pain. The bleeding seemed to have stopped, but in the day after he left, I was washing myself and maybe I wasn’t very delicate, so there was a little more bleeding. I took a pocket mirror to see if something changed there, and the whole vaginal entry looked different to me, and in the exact spot where the blood was coming from, in the bottom of what seems to be the hymen, it seemed like it was slightly ripped. Should I worry? His penis is large, and we couldn’t get it inside more than a little bit, I got impatient because it was feeling good and I wanted more, but I thought the only way was to force. Is there another way to make it without feeling pain?

Last thing… we’re both tested and we’re clear, I’ve been on the pill for 5 months and never missed one, so I convinced him to try without a condom on our first time, but without ejaculating inside so we could be more safe. The thing is, he produces a lot of lubrication (pre-cum, I think), but didn’t ejaculated before the genital contact and didn’t even got very far from the entrance of the vagina. I think it’s ok, but I wanted to know if it’s really safe to continue to do it this way.

[ 06-22-2011, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: worriedme ]

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worriedme
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Oh, sorry, I wanted to edit my post but I couldn't anymore. There was something else I forgot to ask... I searched around the internet for information on this, and it seems to be normal, but I wanted to make sure. Since we had this sex attempt, my vaginal fluids seems more... acid? I don't really know if this it the term, but that's how it smells. It's not a great quantity, and it stills a little yellow like it's been since I've been taking the pill, but it had no smell and now it smells a little different. Actually, it's already going normal, but I wanted to know if this is somehow "bad" for me.
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Heather
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worriedme: I'm afraid I'm heading off for the day shortly, and I don't want to shortcut my reply to you.

So, if another volunteer doesn't tend to this tonight, you're on my list for first thing tomorrow morning. Sorry for the wait.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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As it turned out, I'm sticking around a little while longer, so here we go!

quote:
Also, when I’m with him, I can’t tell him how to please me while masturbating, because I just don’t know, so my only option is to try with him, which produces more results. When I’m alone, full of desire and my imagination is working well, if I try to touch myself it seems like the “magic” slips away. Is that weird?
That's not weird, that's part of human sexual diversity. Some people, or some people at certain times in their life (which is usually more the deal, since our sexuality through a whole lifetime doesn't tend to stay the same), find that their biggest turn-on, sometimes what even is their only turn-on, involves someone else being present. Sounds like that's the case for you at this time of life, and that's okay.

quote:
I don't know how to judge my progress with my boyfriend. I'm confused about it because my clitoris became a lot more sensitive while he stimulated my whole body, but I can't tell if what I felt when he touched me there was pleasure or just a touch in an area that was very sensitive. I felt a strong sensation, but it became just... well, boring, after some minutes. I can't stop thinking there can be some problem with my clitoris, because I tried a good variety of touches with and without him, but it's not the part that feels better, and it looks like it should be. We tried oral sex, but I don't feel a lot when he tries to stimulate the clitoris alone. It feels a lot better in the labia and the vagina... is that normal? I mean, shouldn't the clitoris be the center of a woman's pleasure? Oral sex just feels really good when he focus more on the labia and vagina or inserts his finger while performing it.
The first thing to know here, is that the clitoral glans is only one part of the clitoris, a structure that is both internal and external, and in total, is about the size of the penis. parts of it extend into the labia and also cross/surround parts of the vaginal canal. This is one of the reasons why it's pretty impossible for anyone to say they enjoy only clitoral or only vaginal stimulus: we really can't separate one from the other, and most of the sensory parts of the vagina are connected to internal parts of the clitoris, like the urethral sponge (g-spot).

But our WHOLE bodies are potential sites of sexual pleasure. There aren't right places or wrong places to experience pleasure, and what people experience as most pleasurable to them tends to be very individual but also situational, even when there are some things that tend to be more common.

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling the pressure coming off, and feel like things are moving at a pace that feels more right for you. Hooray! In terms of your concerns it might not be just right, how about you just remember that you always get to be constantly evaluating this, and can always slow things down if and when you feel you need or want to?

It's tough when people talk to us about feeling their hymens stretching, because the hymen doesn't actually have any nerve endings TO feel that. It also is connected to the vaginal opening, and tends to wear away very gradually, not massively with one session of intercourse, so it's tough to say what went on here. However, know that when someone isn't relaxed, aroused and lubricated enough, bleeding can occur, and the vaginal opening -- hymen, no hymen, or whatever state of hymen remains -- which most certainly DOES have nerve endings, will tend to feel taut, rather than flexible. It also can get abraded or wind up with micro-tears.

It is unlikely you had any major changes to your vaginal opening with one time of intercourse, though, unless you and/or your partner were being very hasty or rough, not using enough lubrication as needed or continuing intercourse when it did not feel very good to you. But since you say you feel you were not well-lubricated, it did hurt and you both did force, that is possible.

No, forcing is not only not the only way, it's not the way at all. Here's two links to get you started with some more information on that, and you and I can talk more about it after you read if you like:
• First Intercourse 101
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry

In terms of if combining withdrawal with your pill is safe enough, that's really up to you. Condoms are slightly more effective in perfect use and much more effective in typical use than withdrawal, but what you need to feel safe and what level of protection you want and feel comfortable with is going to be up to you and about you. How do you feel about it?

In terms of feeling like your vaginal environment is different, how long ago was the intercourse?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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worriedme
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I'm glad to know it's not weird to not react to a direct touch on the most "obvious" part of the clitoris. It stills a little weird to think that it once felt so strong to me, but now I think I understand that it's normal for this things to change.

Hm... we wasn't hasty at all, nor rough from my point of view. We was going very slowly. I forced more than him when I felt I could, but retreated if I felt it was really hurting. Yes, in the first time there wasn't much lubrication, but we stopped as soon as I felt it was hurting, we didn't forced this time; but I insisted in forcing later because I really felt it was "slippery" and overflowing with lubrication. I don't really know how much lubrication is sufficient, but do you think the problem could be solved if I used some lube? If it hurt, I know it was completely my fault for forcing, because he was so afraid to hurt me that he stopped as soon as he felt any resistance and asked me to be on top so I could do as I felt better and enjoy it.

It's difficult to know when it's "enough". Everything felt so right that the only thing I could think that could be the problem was my hymen. I know only one person that says there was no pain or bleeding in her fist time, and what I hear from everybody is that we have to bear the pain which WILL come, and then it will work fine when the hymen "breaks".

I thought it was right, because in my attempts to masturbate while extremely aroused I could feel, while inserting a finger, that there was very little space there in the vaginal opening, but there was more elasticity beyond this point. There was times where I tried to insert two fingers when more aroused to test the elasticity of what I thought was the hymen, but it hardly fit, while the inside of the vagina felt softer. Looking at the opening with a mirror, it seemed taut. I thought it really broke because it changed, instead of the taut bits I saw in the mirror there was two little soft "points" like if we ripped a little piece of rubber, and what seemed tensioned was a little undulated like something stretched that wasn't going back to the original state. Also, I touched the area with the two "points" with a piece of paper, and it left a little blood spot where the paper touched the area between them. It seemed like no other area bled. After almost a week, it's not wavy anymore, but it's clearly not back to the stretched state I saw before, it’s a lot softer. I'm sure I'm not imagining because once I was concerned about my hymen being of a kind that would make me feel pain in my first time, and I really took my time to look at it and touch it to test. It's the first time someone is telling me it's not supposed to hurt and break, all the information I had previously was on the contrary.

I was reading "First Intercourse 101" and found this:
"You can learn a thing or two here from an eastern tantric tradition: if you simply set the penis at the vaginal opening, and either of you gently put your weight on the other and press down slowly as you both relax, the vaginal opening and canal will open to entry more naturally."
This is just what I was trying to tell that I did, but I stopped as soon as it was beginning to hurt and retreated a little to where it didn't hurt anymore, and doing this I managed to go a little farther from what we could right at the beginning. Maybe then it was not the hymen, but the opening itself, what was offering resistance? It actually was feeling very good as I felt it slipping into me until it reached that point where I felt a moderate pain and stopped a little. I’m reading more of the article and it looks like we did it right, but I may have really forced it a little 2 or 3 times even when I felt it was hurting, and this caused the bleeding. Looking back now, I think I got impatient trying to get more and fast because of how good it was getting gradually, even if I thought we had a lot of time to do it and there was no reason to rush. In the end we didn’t had all the time I thought we’d have because of an unexpected visit and we had to stop in the middle, but overall it was a good experience. My boyfriend was so sweet, and we got so much closer! It bled and hurt a little, but it didn’t intimidated me, I only wanted to know if there was a way to get over the pain, even if it was moderate.

I got to read the second article you suggested way before this attempt, and I really have no issues concerning that. I’m perfectly fine with it.

About not using condoms… well, I don’t like takings risks, but before going for intercourse, me and my boyfriend discussed birth control and general safety a lot of times. He never considered not using condoms, but even so we got tested more than once since we began dating, and I began taking the pill just to be safe in case of the condom breaking or something like that. One day we where talking about sex and I told him I wanted to do it without condoms once, and he confessed he wanted our first time to be without it so we’d be very close in a more symbolic way, but that he was too afraid to do it and never though about really doing it. I liked the idea, and as both of us wanted it even if just once, I tried to make him more secure, telling him more about the pill, reading about it together with him, telling him I took it perfectly… in the end he was still afraid, but in the day we decided to have our first time, just before it he decided it was ok and to be more safe he would use this other method too. I’d never rely only on withdrawal, but I feel safe with the pill. The chances of getting pregnant like this are statistically very low, but I wanted to know if it’s lower using the two methods. Our plans was to use condoms after this time, but if the chances where really so low, almost null, we’d like to continue to do it this way. We like the intimacy of being in direct contact with each other’s fluids, so it would be a good option. What other method I could use combined with the pill so we could be safer? We’ve been friends for a long time and I know his behavior in relationships, and he’s even more perfect with me, so I trust him completely. I don’t fear diseases because we decided to get tested in a regular basis and he’s a very responsible guy, so my only fear, and his too, is pregnancy.

So, the last topic… the intercourse attempt was last monday in the morning, but there was direct contact with his fluids in the day before too, without penetration. I began to notice the difference on tuesday, and the discharge noticed in my panties and the acid smell was completely gone saturday night, but I still feel there’s a little more mucus down there than I usually feel. Is it because of the contact with his fluids? Can I avoid this results in case we continue to not use condoms?

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Heather
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Before we talk more about the hymen stuff, can I get you up to speed about it? I ask because there are some things you're putting out there -- like the hymen "breaking," like intercourse having to hurt -- that aren't factual, and we have a good piece on all that so I don't have to try and reinvent the wheel.

That's here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/my_corona_the_anatomy_formerly_known_as_the_hymen_the_myths_that_surround_it

In terms of vaginal fluids/environment changing when you have intercourse without condoms, that is going to happen to some degree. It's going to happen much more so when a partner ejaculates (though that'll usually only last for a few days), but it can happen just with pre-ejaculate, too. It doesn't actually make the vagina more acidic, but more alkaline, since that's the nature of penile fluids.

With the pill and withdrawal, it's absolutely lower adding that second method, adding any second method.You can find out how much lower, and compare it to adding other methods, if you like, here: The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method


With lubrication, I'd generally advise always adding lube, at least starting with some each time, and then adding if and when it's needed. It's easier to figure out when it's too much sometimes than when it's not enough, especially when you're new to all this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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