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Author Topic: Oral sex (him to me)
clara_zetkin
Neophyte
Member # 64368

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Hello. I have a bit of a sex problem. I'm at Uni (so not a teenager), and in a very loving relationship with a guy that I consider to be a feminist (although he doesn't use the label himself).

The sex is great. That is, the penetration, and the masturbation (mutual) are great. For the first time I'm with a guy that genuinely cares about my pleasure, and he's actually experimented tons to find whatever I like best.

But he won't give me oral sex. I love going down on him, because I love the feeling of giving selfless pleasure (and for him, oral sex is more pleasurable than masturbation). It's a fantastic activity to do when consensual, and I never feel used or 'beneath' him (and if I did, I would stop).

He also feels uncomfortable with me giving him oral sex, although I still do it sometimes (he generally stops me after a while, although I have told him repeatedly that I want to do it), and he will not go down on me. Today he told me it's because it 'tastes weird' (he's tried it before, with me, once). I answered, as sweetly as I could manage, 'just as weird as your penis'.

I guess I was being a little passive-aggressive with that comment, but it actually hurt me. My vulva doesn't taste funny, it tastes like vulva. And he bloody loves it when we're having intercourse...

Afterwards, despite me becoming distant with him, he acted like nothing was wrong.

But it is. I am prepared to give him oral sex and I enjoy the fact that he enjoys it, but he is not prepared to do the same for me. And as a result, I've practically stopped going down on him too (partly because I don't think it's fair, partly because despite enjoying it, he seems to have some sort of moral issue with it). Which I think is a shame.

My dilemma here is that, if the gender roles were reversed, I would never accept a man expecting me to give him oral sex just because it pleases him. That's why I've made clear to my boyfriend that he isn't obliged to do it if he's not completely comfortable with it.

But it still bugs me. If in my mind I had it clear that it was a sexist issue, I would definitely confront him about it. But it might just be me being selfish.

What do I do? I guess I should sit him down and ask him to explain properly what oral sex means to him. He's just so awkward talking about sex - he's become much better since we're together, but he still has trouble communicating.

Please help. If only, to clarify whether there are gendered underlying issues at play here, or if I should just resign myself to a relationship without oral sex. ( [Frown] )

Edit: Thanks in advance!

[ 05-06-2011, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: clara_zetkin ]

Posts: 3 | From: UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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Hey clara_zetkin, Welcome to Scarleteen!

You know, not everyone likes every kind of activity, and the reasons are all different. Some people don't like certain part or aspects of a given type of sex. Taste can certainly play a part in this. Some partners may not want to participate in oral sex with a male partner (or only using condoms) because of taste as well, ot may not have a partner ejaculate in their mouth, or may allow that but spit rather than swallowing. It's all different. And some partners may not like having oral sex with female partners because of taste as well. Have you talked with him about possibly trying with dental dams, where fluids are not exchanged?

As well, even when someone enjoys a certain type of sex physically, it does not mean that emotionally it feels right for them - and when that happens they may request not doing so or not finishing. That's something we have to just understand, that partners won't always like everything we do.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
clara_zetkin
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Member # 64368

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I hadn't thought about dental dams, that sounds like a good idea. And yeah, I think I need to have a good talk with him about him receiving too - because the mixed signals are confusing.

Thanks a lot!

Posts: 3 | From: UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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If you need some guidance on the talking part, there's a great article here: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whys, Whats and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

Good luck, and you're welcome [Smile] .

--------------------
"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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