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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » my mom no longer trusts me.

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Author Topic: my mom no longer trusts me.
gdw_dog
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Member # 58826

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last night, my mom walked in on my boyfriend and i having sex. we have been having sex without her knowledge for about 4 months. i also paid a visit to my local planned parenthood clinic for a prescription for birth control, unbeknownst to her.
last night, i told her about everything. she was very upset that i lied to her. i didnt want to have to lie to her, but she specifically said 'no sex at 16', yet i felt that it was time for me to lose my virginity. obviously things will be quite tense at home for awhile..is there anything i can do to regain her trust? i regret lying to her...what can i do to make this better?

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Heather
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Well, I think the first thing to bear in mind is just that rebuilding trust takes time, and this just happened. So, I'd start by just giving her some space and time to absorb what she walked in on and all you have told her and to start to process it.

Do you and your Mom generally have a good relationship? Are you very close?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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gdw_dog
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prior to this, we had a healthy relationship (as healthy as one can be that is built on lies) and were somewhat close.
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Heather
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Lies beyond you not being honest about being sexually active?

If not, when you were honest last night, did you leave anything out, or were you as fully honest as you could be?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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gdw_dog
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yes, i also smoke occasionally.
i was as fully honest as i could be with her. i suppose all i can do is be good and re gain her trust with time, i just really needed somebody to talk to and vent with. i would like to continue having sex, but that is unrealistic at this point in time.

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Heather
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So, you did the best you could here when it comes to having been dishonest and remedying the situation as best you can at this point.

I do think it sounds like if you want to rebuild trust, it might be a good idea to step away from having sex for the time being, and let her know you're willing to do that while you and she work through this together. I think offering that -- which, you know, sex break, life goes on, it's not that big a deal -- as well as just letting her know you want and intend to work to rebuild trust and that your relationship with her is important to you would be excellent. You can also even just let her know that today, and also let her know that while you're ready to talk to her some more, if she needs time, or feels you both do, to kind of think for yourselves than talk more later, that you respect that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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gdw_dog
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okay. yeah, after this, sex is not going to be happening for a good, long while [Razz]
ive apologized several times already and i will definitely remind her that i value her trust as well as a healthy relationship with her. thanks so much for your advice.

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Heather
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It really sounds like you have handled this as best you can.

I want to also make sure you know something: a lot of the time, when young people don't feel able to be honest about sex with parents, it's because parents have put up some kind of barrier or given cues that you can't be unless you make exactly the choices they want you to make.

Now, I wouldn't share that with your Mom, but I wanted to tell it to you so that you know that this probably is not all your fault, even though you are, of course, responsible for your own choices, including the choice not to be honest. I just don't want you to put all of this on you, because just like with any relationship, relationships between parents and their kids are two-way streets, and when something like this happens, it's usually about mistakes on both sides in some way, not just one.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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