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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Erection troubles

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Author Topic: Erection troubles
JB
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Hello! So my current partner and I are having a bit of a problem...he's having trouble getting/maintaining an erection, and we can't figure out why. He's not nervous, and he tells me I'm not doing anything unpleasant (being too rough, etc.)

Do you have any ideas as to why this may be happening? And/or what we might be able to do to fix it? I say "problem" because we've both agreed it's hindering intimacy. Obviously not a dire situation, but one we'd like to get fixed soon!

Thanks very much in advance for your time and guidance!

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Is he able to get and maintain an erection on his own, when he is masturbating?

Also, is this a recent problem? That is, was he able to get an erection before? If so, can you think of anything in his life or your relationship that may have changed?

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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JB
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I asked him to try masturbating and see if he could get an erection then, so I'm not quite sure yet. I'm thinking yes, he can get/maintain an erection though because he said he had never had this problem before.

It is a recent problem in the sense that we've just started having sex. I'm his first sexual partner, so I can't speak for if this has happened to him in the past. He says he's not nervous or stressed or anything...could it possibly just be the whole newness of the situation?

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September
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If he's able to get erections on his own, we can rule out any physical problems.

That, and the fact that you both are new to sex makes it very likely that this is about him being new to sex and maybe even feeling a little nervous. And once something like this has happened for the first time, it's likely to keep happening again, as he's bound to worry about it and thus distract himself and put pressure on himself.

I'd suggest that you start by simply trying to make this not such a big deal. When you start to become physical, try not to worry about whether or not he'll get an erection. Focus on other body parts, focus on pleasure and having fun. If he gets an erection - great! If he doesn't, he doesn't. It's perfectly fine. There are tons of other sexual activities you can engage in.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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JB
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I don't think it's anything physical, but if it is we'll jump on it.

And I'm going to tell him not to worry, either. It's hard not to get caught up in all that business, but I still enjoy being with him, erection or otherwise. =] Thanks so much!

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Karybu
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Might want to pass this along, too: ED: Why You Don't Have to Get So Down About Not Getting It Up

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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September
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You're welcome!

Again, if he's able to get erections when he masturbates, you can be sure that it's not physical.

I understand that it's easy to get wrapped up in this, and to envision a certain way that things ought to go and then be disappointed. But our bodies aren't machines, and understanding and respecting that is a big part of being ready to have sex.

But it sounds like you already understand that, as well, and that it's about enjoying being with your partner rather than about meeting some goal. So why don't you two have a conversation about that and just try, from now on, to focus on what feels good, rather than on trying to achieve something.

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Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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JB
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That's exactly what we've been doing. Of course, we're both a little disappointed that our bodies aren't in sync with our minds, but we still have a lot of fun anyway and we're not too worried about it. We figure it'll probably straighten itself out eventually.

Thanks again for all your help!

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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