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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » I found my mom's dildo, and I am completely traumatized.

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Author Topic: I found my mom's dildo, and I am completely traumatized.
olivejuicevia
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I'm 16 and the idea of my parents having sex has always made me so scared, uncomfortable, sick, etc. I thought I saw them having sex one time which turned out my mind just kind of distorted the image, but I couldn't look at either of them for a week and would start crying at very random times because of it. I eventually talked to my mom and we straightened out that it never happened. Every second that went by got better, and now a year later it feels like it never really happened, and I'm okay even if it did. The same type of thing goes for when I once found condoms in their room. But this time, it's different. I was in my mom's bathroom like I am every morning to brush my teeth and there is a gray thing on the sink. I've never seen a dildo in real life before, I kind of thought that's what it was, though I would've bet hundreds of dollars before today that my mom has never masturbated, considering 1. she's not like that, and 2. she's made it clear that it's really gross for people to do. Feeling that there was no way in the world it was really a dildo, I see a part on the top that looks like a bottle cap, so I decide it is just an odd shaped container, and to prove it I spin it. Well, it starts vibrating and as you can imagine, I run out of the room mortified and go into my room scared as heck. A little while later I was in my mom's room with her and she goes into the bathroom. I follow her and see the vibrator there and having one last bit of hope in me, idiotically ask her what it is. She gasps as if she has done something terribly horrible and disgusting and after a second says "its..a massager...for my back, back when we used to work in restaurants we got this because our backs would hurt very badly". If that wasn't the worst lie I have ever heard! I said okay, and try to say "oh its like one of those little hand massagers, cool" I was okay then for a few seconds but quickly ran out of her room and knew I needed to find someone with the same issue on the internet, and just get some support to know it's okay. How can I ever look my mom in the face again? Why does she masturbate when she is happily married? When/where did she get it? Why do I feel so abused and lied to? How can I ever get over this?
Posts: 8 | From: FL | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure how to explain some of this without upsetting you further: I can't really answer some of these questions without well... answering the questions, which I suspect will make you uncomfortable, too. So, sorry if I step on your toes, know I'll try hard not to.

People don't just masturbate when they don't have partners or spouses: people in relationships masturbate, too. I don't know what you mean by "like that" when you talk about people who masturbate. The majority of all people have or do, so when it comes to who is "like that," the answer is almost everybody.

As well, many people use sex toys FYI, it sounds like what you found was a vibrator, rather than a dildo) with partners, not just by themselves.

I can understand why you feel lied to: it sounds like your mother has some of her own shame around this -- shame you're also obviously dealing with -- which is probably why she said masturbation was gross, even though she does it. At the same time, some people still do it AND still think it's gross. It's not exactly the healthiest mentality, but just because someone is older doesn't mean they've worked out all their sexuality issues.

I don't see that you have been abused here, and while I don't want to invalidate your feelings, I'm guessing abused isn't really what you feel. Ashamed? Embarrassed, maybe? Certainly confused?

I don't know how to tell you how to get over this, exactly. Sometimes younger people have a hard time accepting that older people, especially their parents, are sexual. Usually, time and growing up some more takes care of it. But if you earnestly feel really traumatized by the idea of your parents having sex, or either of them masturbating, that might be something you want to talk to a counselor about.

Did you want to talk to your mother about any of this? It does sound like there are some things you could probably stand to unpack with her around this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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olivejuicevia
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The thing that really bothers me, is my mom is very busy, and anytime she has to masturbate I know my dad is available, and it just scares me that she's not happy with him.

I haven't been abused, I just feel like hurt because of this, I don't know why but I felt really hurt. As well as with ashamed, embarrassed, confused, and horrified.

On one hand I would like to talk to her about, but on the other I would kind of just like to forget about it, and if I talk to her, the conversation will add to one more thing I have to forget about.

Thanks so much.

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Heather
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I don't know why you're assuming your mother isn't happy with your father. Like I said, people masturbate in healthy, happy relationships, too. Sex with ourselves isn't the same as sex with a partner. Sometimes people want to only enjoy their own pleasure or pleasure alone, other times they want to share pleasure with a partner.

Can you understand that?

It sounds to me like asking your Mom if you could have some time to talk together would be a good idea.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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olivejuicevia
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What is the difference between a dildo and a vibrator?
Posts: 8 | From: FL | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Stephanie_1
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A vibrator is a battery operated toy, and vibrates. A dildo is not battery operated, and does not vibrate. Both can come in different shapes, sizes, etc.

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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Kawani3792
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This advice is good!
As an aside, though, from the perspective of someone who also found her mom's vibrator, I know for a certainty that she does actually only use is as a back/knee massager, because she used to loan it to me for my bad knee without a comment. So while it is traditionally meant for one region, regular hand-massagers are quite a bit harder to find, while it's relatively easy if there's, for example, a lingerie store nearby, to find a vibrator, so some people do only use it as a massager. She might have been lying, but not necessarily.

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olivejuicevia
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I did wind up talking to my mom about this because it was hard to look at her. She told me it was old and she found it looking for scotch tape and decided she should put it in a better place..yeah mom, place where I brush my teeth every morning..great place. Lol. But, she told me everything is fine, and it's all good now.

I can see using it that way, but the noise she made before she said that gave it all away.

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Stephanie_1
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Kawani3792: while your response is really helpful, this section of the boards is for volunteer and staff responses only.See you around the rest of the boards.

olivejuicevia: How are you feeling about this all now?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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olivejuicevia
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I feel a lot better. She told me some other helpful things that made it seem better in my mind. I'm very glad I talked to her. Thanks for the encouragement.
Posts: 8 | From: FL | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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