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Author Topic: Help, my boyfriend thinks I'm gay!
HarleyQuinnNights
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Member # 50877

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Sorry in advance if this is too long (I have multiple problems), or doesn't make sense.

I figured out a while ago that I am bisexual. I don't usually tell people because I don't like the way people react. I drunkenly told my cousin's friend, who drunkenly told my boyfriend (well ex now) so now he knows. I knew he wouldn't care that I was bisexual, but I thought he would be upset that I didn't tell him. He wasn't though and he took it very well at first. We had a long conversation about my sexual preferences and he talked about his. And we had a great time comparing our taste in women. I genuinely thought the whole situation brought us closer. But a couple days later I was trying to give him a blow job, something I've never done before but had wanted to try and he wouldn't let me. He pulled away and said something like "Come on, we both know you don't like penis." It lead to this huge fight and he brought up all these old problems we have/had.

For instance he brought up the fact that the first time I touched his penis I said "Eww." I admit that at first I was a little disgusted by penises in general, but I got over it.

He also brought up the fact that we still haven't had sex yet. The thing is we keep trying but I'm never really into it. It doesn't make sense to me because I am physically/sexually attracted to him. I even fantasize about having sex with him. I know I'm ready to have sex, especially with him. I have been dying to have sex with him for so long. And yet every time we have the chance to have sex, I just can't. Like my body is into, but my mind is just like "Eh" and he can tell that I'm not into it and he stops. It was never a problem between us, though. Until the fight.

So, back to the fight. He brought up those things and the fact that I'm bisexual with a preference for women and basically said "I think you're a lesbian and we should just be friends." We have stayed friends, but when we hang out now he always makes jokes about me being a lesbian. He even makes these jokes in front of my family and our other friends. It makes me really uncomfortable, because I don't want people to think I'm gay. Some of my friends and family have admitted to me, in the past, that they thought I was gay too and it took me so long to convince them that I wasn't and I feel like he's undoing all that hard work I did.

I keep telling him that I'm not gay we should get back together, because he's perfect for me. But every time he says, "Talk to me after you have your first girlfriend and we'll see if you still feel the same way." It's so frustrating.

Does anybody have any idea why I can't seem to have sex with him? I just don't get why I can be so into it when I'm fantasizing about it, but not when it's actually happening. How can I convince him that I'm not gay, and get him to take me back and stop making these jokes and casting doubt in everybody else's mind?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[ 12-16-2010, 11:19 AM: Message edited by: HarleyQuinnNights ]

Posts: 5 | From: Everywhere & Nowhere | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Yow! Sounds like your boyfriend has some homophobia going on he needs to deal with. It also sounds like he's potentially being a little manipulative around the issue of intercourse and this, too, and may be kind of using some of this issue as a way to deflect his own insecurities.

I can't say why you don't want to have intercourse with this person: I'd have to know a whole lot more about this relationship as a whole, how you feel about this person as a whole, etc.

However, this person honestly sounds kind of jerky to me, so on that merit alone, I'm not surprised you're not comfortable being sexual with them to any degree. I hear you saying you think you're perfect for each other, but based on this post, this guy sounds insensitive and also like he doesn't consider your feelings very much. Can I ask why you want to get back together with someone who has been treating you this poorly?

[ 12-16-2010, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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HarleyQuinnNights
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He's not usually like this. This is the first time I've seen him act like this, but we haven't been together that long. Things were great before this whole thing, though. I've flat out told him to stop making the jokes, but he still does it.

We were friends for a while before we became a couple, so I know from experience that he does have issues with homophobia, especially toward gay men, but I didn't think he had anything against lesbians. Apparently he does.

The reason I want to get back together with him is because I feel like our relationship never got a chance. It feels unfinished. That and I'm still in love with him.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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How long were you together for? And how long have you known this person very well?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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HarleyQuinnNights
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We were friends for 3 years before we got together. I pretty much had a crush on him that whole time. We were only together for 4 months before he broke up with me.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, some people who make excellent friends make awful boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. Just because someone does well, or does well with you, in one kind of relationship doesn't mean they will in another.

To boot, it sounds like you knew he had homo/biphobia before, so it's unsurprising to me he still has it now and it's amped up even higher. Having a sexual relationship with someone who isn't hetero when you're homo/biphobic is very, very unlikely to be healthy for either person or workable.

I also want to add that just because we have romantic feelings for someone doesn't mean a romantic relationship is going to work or be right. I know that's disappointing, especially since it sounds like you've had those feelings for an awfully long time, and may have even been hoping for this kind of relationship that whole time.

But what I'm seeing here is that a) this person has made clear they don't want that kind of relationship with you now and b) that may actually be for the best for you, even if it's a big bummer in some ways, because it's sounding like he's been treating you pretty horribly. Doing things like keeping up with jokes against a group you're a member of in your presence, and even more when you've asked him to stop, borders on abusive, if it's not already.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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HarleyQuinnNights
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Yeah, you're probably right. It just sucks [Frown]
Posts: 5 | From: Everywhere & Nowhere | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Oh, no doubt! It sounds like a really horrible thing to discover and a really horrible way to have been treated. To say it was not a good surprise is probably the understatement of the decade.

Do you want to talk more about it? If so, happy to listen and give feedback.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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