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Author Topic: how to be better
Harper85
Neophyte
Member # 48968

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ok so i have been with this guy since like November and hes the only person i have ever slept with and i just dont feel like im good enough. i feel like i dont know what im doing or that im not doing it right. he tells me im to quite but im dont want to sound like a porn star cuz thats just to over the top. also i dont normally get off which i gotta say im not a fan of, and on top of that he likes to play with my boobs and they have never been sensitive, they never hurt and they dont get hard so im at a loss. plz help me out!
ps he does get off

Posts: 9 | From: montana | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sometimes people have preferences. he may prefer partners who are more vocal. While he gets to have that preference, if you're not like that, you get to tell him that that's just not how you are.

But he may also be asking you to better verbalize what you do and don't like, because he's having a hard time figuring that out. Have you asked him if that's what he's asking for? If so, filling a partner in on what you do and don't like is important, whether you do it by making more noise or using more words -- including at times when you're not having sex -- which is going to be about YOUR preferences.

We learn what to do with partners by experimenting and communicating. In other words, we try various things, then we ask about them and give input. We also talk about what we would or would not like to try in the first place. Are you two doing this?

You say you're not getting off. Can you experience satisfaction and orgasm by yourself via your masturbation? Or have you with other partners? If so, can you fill him in more on what you know works for you and what doesn't? For instance, have you let him know, if this is the case, that you don't enjoy having your breasts played with?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Harper85
Neophyte
Member # 48968

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thanks for responding. i can get off masturbating only if i am on my stomach, i have tried other ways and i cant get off. i have a couple of different toys and they dont work. i think there might have been one time where i got off but it was different than masturbating. i got tingly and my hand when hand for numb but i not sure if that was an orgasm and that was a really long session too. longer than normal. now hes my first so i cant compare it to anything other than other people stories and comments.

we haven't talked about what we like and what not, we kinda just fwb we started of more than that, but somehow thats what it turned into. so i really dont ask.

Posts: 9 | From: montana | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, so the first thing you need to do, then, is to start talking.

Sometimes, people will just kind of luck into finding what works well for both partners. But I'd say that's fairly rare, especially over time. What most folks need to be doing, most of the time, is verbalizing what they like and don't and what they do and don't want, as well as asking their partners to do the same.

It seems you know how you get off masturbating, which can give you some cues, cues you can pass on to a sexual partner. For instance, if being on your stomach and rubbing is what works for you, you can do that during some kinds of partnered sex, and/or choose positions for partnered sex where you're mimicking that same kind of stimulus. You can show your partner what you do so he can get some ideas, too.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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