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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Masterbation just isn't the same

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Author Topic: Masterbation just isn't the same
Member # 45185

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Hello again Scarleteen.

I have never been much of a masturbater. Once upon a time it was because of negative perceptions sex in general, later on it was a self esteem issue. After I overcame that, I guess I just wasn't in the habit or just didn't have the desire to. A few months ago, I got an amazing boyfriend, and we started to do physical stuff. I have really enjoyed partnered sex, and I would love to be able to have a sex life when he's not around (and that's most of the time, seeing as he goes to college out of state.) That aside, it'd be helpful to both of us if I knew my body and my response a bit better. Unfortunately, I just can't seem to get into masturbation.

I don't think it's a self-esteem thing,because as of now I have a pretty healthy relationship with myself on most days. I know it's not my perceptions of sex and masturbation: I think both can enrich someone's life. I just can't seem to get and stay aroused enough for masturbating be pleasurable. Even on the occasions when I do enjoy it, it's pretty ho-hum: nowhere near as intense an experience as when I'm with my boyfriend. Even though I know what feels good better than he does, I am simply no where near as aroused. I don't think it's stress or sleep-deprivation, because those things exist when he's here too, and I don't have a problem then. It's just so different not having another person to interact with. I've tried imagining he's there with me and touching myself in other places to start out, but neither have made much of a difference. I definitely don't want get into pornography, because a) from what I've heard there is a lot portrayed there I don't want in my head in any context and b) sex is sacred, and it's a spiritual experience for me. Do you have any suggestions?

Posts: 16 | From: California | Registered: Dec 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, if you're not that interested in masturbation, there's really no point in forcing it. It is a really good way to get to know your body, but there isn't a rule that says you absolutely have to masturbate if you don't want to or if it's something you can't get into. (And it isn't the only way to get to know your own sexual response; you can learn that through partnered sex as well.)

It's not unusual to have a hard time getting as aroused on our own as we can be with a partner - after all, a lot of stuff that might turn us on with a partner (kissing, for example) is pretty much impossible solo. If you ever do find that you're very aroused on your own, and want to try masturbating then, go ahead, but there really isn't much point trying when you aren't feeling that arousal; it's likely to just be frustrating.

"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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