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Author Topic: Dating an Effeminate Man
Member # 46180

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Hey Scarleteen!

I must admit, I am 23 years old, so I am not sure I am qualified to use this site, but I remember it being very helpful when I was navigating my high school days, so here I am again...

If I had to choose, I would identify myself as a straight female. I have been dating a guy, who is five years older than me, for 7 months. He recently confided in me that he would like for us to stay together for the long term and that he would follow me, if I wanted him to, when I move away. I never really put much thought into his sexual orientation before, but this proposition more or less scared me into analyzing him in ways I haven't previously.

Before we started dating, I assumed he was gay. He was just really friendly and didn't make the same tired attempts at hitting on me that I suppose I was caught off guard. When we started dating I tossed those assumptions to the wind. We have the best sex I have ever experienced in my life and he is a thoughtful, caring boyfriend. But he does get mistaken for being a gay man. Not only by me but by strangers and people who first meet him. His body language is often feminine, the way he leans on one hip and his lively hand gestures. The intonation of his voice often makes people say he "sounds gay". He is comfortable going to gay bars and has gay friends. I have even caught him slapping his guy friend's ***, jokingly, but it made me wonder.
He comes from a close-knit family of women and his mother in particular is very religious, so I get the feeling there is an expectation that everyone in the family has to be straight and there is no room for any other possibility.

I just don't know what to make of all these little things. I don't want to fall into a stereotypical judgement system, but, if he is attracted to men, I don't want him to hold him back from exploring that. I don't know how to bring it up to him or if I even should. I know it's something very personal that he himself has to accept before I or anyone else could help him explore it, but if we are going to have a long-term relationship, I want to be sure that he is not confused. Is the fact that he is more effeminate than most men tied to his sexual identity? Is there anything I could do?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

[ 03-13-2010, 12:20 AM: Message edited by: Candela ]

Posts: 1 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's so important to remember that gender and gender identity aren't sexual orientation.

In other words, there are women who are really butch who are heterosexual women. The fact that they present or behave in a way they or others identify as more masculine doesn't tell us anything at all about their sexual orientation, but about their gender identity.

So, you fell some for some gender stereotypes. Okay. Can you let them go now knowing that's not sound? Can you remind yourself that even if he presented/performed his gender in a way you or others might figure is "straight-acting" he could very well be gay? Know what I mean?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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