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Author Topic: I have a question about my Boyfriend
Raider.Gal
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Is there anything I can do to make him last longer in bed? on average it lasts like 15 min. he feels bad and I want to try to help him
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Heather
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Actually, that's longer than average for most men, especially if you mean he is staying erect for 15 minutes without any breaks from intercourse.

In other words: there's nothing for him to feel bad about and he doesn't need help with this, though it sounds like he might need to be filled in on what's realistic.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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it usually takes him forever and a day to become erect so its kinda frustrating.
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Heather
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Frustrating for...him? You? Why is it frustrating? Want to fill me in a little more?

Can I also check in with you and make sure there's not a double standard here? In other words, you say it takes him forever to become erect. How long does it take YOU to become fully aroused physically?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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it's frustrating for the both of us. it takes him at least an hour. it takes me half an hour.
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Heather
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It taking an hour to get to erection if he earnestly feels sexual desire would be unusual, especially for a younger person.

So, is he feeling strong desire to BE sexual when this happens? If so, then it might be worthwhile for him to check this with his doctor. Some medications can be an issue with this, for instance, or issues like diabetes.

Mind, it may not be a physical issue, but if he really is feeling very mentally excited about sex, but it's literally taking an hour for him to get an erection, that does suggest a possible physical/medical issue.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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he is usually the one who starts the whole act so im guessing he wants it
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Heather
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I also want to ask why it's frustrating for him to -- when he becomes erect -- stay erect for an average amount of time. To be clear, you are both aware that just because he's no longer erect doesn't mean all kinds of sex need to stop, right?

In other words, if you want to keep going with sexual activities, just because he's gotten off doesn't mean the action needs to stop, just the action that requires an erection.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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ive suggested that to him but he just seems to get more agitated at the idea
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Heather
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Well, let's try and look at this differently, then.

Is HE frustrated by how long it takes him to get an erection, or is that okay with him?

As well, would you say this is a good sexual relationship for you both? Does it really feel like the right kind of relationship for both of you, and one where you're a good fit together sexually?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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he gets more frustrated than i do. i would say it's a good sexual relationship for the both of us. it just feels right
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Heather
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But what I hear you saying is that it doesn't feel right, and you both feel frustrated.

Can you clear things up for me on that, or maybe make more clear what you mean by "feels right?" I don't mean to be naggy, just trying to get a better sense of the big picture so I can best help you out.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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when it does happen it's pretty good and it seems like it's supposed to be like that but then when he looks at the clock he gets frustrated. I try to keep him from getting frustrated but it never seems to help him.
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Heather
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He's looking at the clock waiting for an erection to happen?

Ste you two able to talk about these issues well, without anyone getting huffy or irritated? If not, then it sounds like you perhaps need to spend some more time talking about sex and improving your communication, no matter what.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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he times the sex t see how long it lasts
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Heather
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We're clearly having some issues with clarity. Let me explain why.

You first posted saying you both wanted him to last longer once he had an erection. I made clear that 15 minutes is not a short time, but is, in fact, above average for plenty of men, especially young men. In other words, the trouble here is clearly one or both of you having unrealistic expectations.

Then you moved into saying it takes him an hour or more to GET erect, saying that's frustrating for you both, but he won't talk about it, and...well, I asked some other questions, but you didn't answer them.

Now we're back to talking about how long he lasts again.

For our conversation to be productive, it's really important that when I respond to you, you're actually responding back to me on the things I'm asking about, okay? Otherwise, we're just going to sit here having a circular conversation that isn't helpful to anyone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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oops sorry. we usually have really good communication but when it comes to sex its kind of strained. he's one of those frequent clock watchers so he kinda times everything. I'm just looking for a way to get him erect quicker. Now that i'm aware that 15 min is normal for it to last, i just want it to be less of a wait.
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Heather
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If he earnestly IS really feeling very sexually excited in his head, but it's taking him an hour or more to get erect, then again, he'll need to check in with his doc about that.

If he doesn't want to do that...well, there really isn't anything you can do about that. If it is a medical issue that he won't get diagnosed or treated, that's out of your hands. If it is NOT, then this may just be how his body works and be something you both just need to accept and adapt to. If he's feeling very sexual before the erection happens, that shouldn't be too hard: he has hands, a mouth, a whole body, after all, and he can be sexual with you with all of those parts while his penis catches up. If he does't want to do anything else, AND is not getting erect, it may just be that he is NOT feeling all that sexual.

Of course, if he's timing everything, that, all by itself, is probably influencing his arousal. After all, clockwatching isn't something that even clockwatchers tend to find sexy or relaxing. So, at the very least, it might be wise for him to ditch his watch and cover the clocks during sex.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Raider.Gal
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thanks [Smile]
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