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Author Topic: did he really
Mikosama
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Hi all, I've been thinking about this now, I was wandering if the guy that sexually assaulted me wanted to rape me and did try? sorry I know I sound stupid, but the incident still feels like it was a really bad dream,
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atm1
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Mikosama, we really can't know exactly what his intentions were. I can tell you that several studies have shown that the vast majority of men who admit to acts that legally count as rape don't call what they did rape (if you'd like me to find them for you, I can, I just don't have time right now). Other studies have shown that a lot of men believe it's acceptable for a man to "force sex" on woman. Substitute the word rape for force sex, and very few think it's okay... so it's clear that a lot of men don't understand that sexual assault and rape are unwanted and/or forced sexual contact.

From what you've described in your other threads, I think it's safe to say that he wanted sexual contact with you, and couldn't care less if you wanted it with him. In my book, that means he wanted to rape you. But it's unlikely *he* would agree with that statement. Does that make sense?

No matter what, he was willing to hurt you to get what he wanted. There's no way to dispute that, and no way to dispute the fact that he did something terribly, terribly wrong.

Have you ever gotten in contact with RAINN or sought out other counseling since your last discussion with Heather? If not, I'd really encourage you to do so--I think it could help a whole lot.

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Mikosama
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Hi atm1 I appreciate you answering me, I figured that he wanted sexual contact with me and he wanted to rape me. I just had to know to wake me up to how lucky I was. I have been going to counseling and plan on seeing my therapist hopefully soon. I'm trying to get through it, but as its said you can't get over it overnight but its been 9 months, I wonder if I'm taking too long.
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atm1
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Mikosama, it might help you to know that nine months after my rapes and abuse, I was a complete and total wreck. I was worse off then than I was right after it. A year and a half after it, I'd still get triggered frequently, and sex with my partner could be difficult at times. Now, nearly four years later, I can say that it finally doesn't affect my day to day life very much. It is a part of me, it informs my worldview and what I do (and really, is why I started volunteering here), but I'm past the worst of it. For now anyways--you can't ever be completely sure.

There's no "normal" amount of time it takes to "get over" rape. I'd say that most survivors need several years before they feel a similar level of control over their lives and nightmares/flashbacks dissipate. For some people, it only takes one year. For others, it can take several *decades*. For me, it was about 2-3 years, and that was with a lot of supportive, wonderful help.

So there's no way for you to take too long. There's not a timeline for getting better. Sometimes you'll feel like you're making progress and then something will trigger you and set you back. That's normal, and that's the way things go. Don't expect things to get all better in a matter of months--yes you can definitely see concrete improvement in that amount of time, but it's unlikely you'll feel normal.

Most survivors I know (and I know a lot), tend to feel the same way I do about healing after assault--you're never exactly the same as you were before it. The goal is not so much to "get over it" and completely forget about it, rather the goal is to have it be more like other life changing experiences: to know that it happened, to understand the consequences on your life, and to accept them.

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Mikosama
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Hi there again, I appreciate you coming here and being a volunteer and the fact you experienced it too doesn't make me feel alone. I'm glad that there is no set time to get through it or whatever they call it. It happened a week before my medical program started I didn't have time to deal with it. At the time I was in shock, and I thought and tried to convince myself that it was what happened when you get intimate with someone. but however when I came back from vacation, I didn't feel the same anymore, I feel like the best way to describe is to be ripped apart, betrayed, love thrown in the fire, and I think what makes it more painful is the one you loved and said they wanted to marry you, tried to rape you and thats what they wanted. I know me I feel disgusting, and just want to cover myself up, look so ugly that I want be looked at. I didn't really face the whole thing until months later, when it started to haunt me in my dreams, and my mom asking questions. I had to deal with it, and even so its like I can't accept that a guy wanted to and tried to rape me, its like saying that makes it real not a horrible dream. and saying/revealing what actually went on to this place took alot out of me, because it was like reliving it again. And I still today feel like its my fault. Its unreal. I did start seeing a therapist about this, but she didn't hear every detail, she only thinks it was just breast touching but thats far from it huh? Sorry if I'm going on so long, Like for me, I don't want to be me anymore, I want to look different Like I want to change my haircolor so drastically so I want be the same. My mom thinks its because I always didn't like my hair, its somewhat true, but this incident made it more to be someone else.
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atm1
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It can take a while for therapy to make a difference, and for you to feel comfortable telling your therapist what happened, so give it time.

If you want to change your hair color, I say go for it. Anything that helps you feel better that's not self destructive can be really good.

I personally am a big fan of drastic hair changes--for me, cutting off my hair has always made me feel refreshed and happier, even though I love it long. I've definitely chopped it all off when upset before, too, and remarkably, it helps.

I also have a friend who completely changed the name after her rape, just so that she could feel like she was getting a fresh start. It helped her a lot. Sometimes those changes are positive, but don't bank on having them make a difference.

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Mikosama
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Hi there again, I tried dying my hair to be a blond instead I got yellow and orange hair and had to go to a hair dresser to fix it. So for my interview for my medical program next week I'm getting a new hairstyle, I hope I'll get through this, it just feels nasty,
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atm1
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I hope it works out... and do try to be patient with yourself.

I hope you can see your therapist soon.

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Mikosama
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I hope so too, I sent her an e-mail with every detail of what happened since she didn't hear any of it back then I hope she takes it seriously.
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Mikosama
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Hi again, I forgot about this but what I am about to say confirms what his intentions were, it was right in front of my face, on one of the days we were up in fla, he was wearing a t-shirt that said what things to say during sex. And just realizing it now makes me feel ill and I'm in tears now because of it.
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Heather
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Rape culture abounds so much in our world that sometimes, even when something that is part of it is RIGHT there in front of our faces, it can be tough to see it.

It'd be fantastic if we could identify who may or may not, will or will not, rape us just by looking at what someone was wearing, or anything like that. Unfortunately, it's just not that easy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mikosama
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I heather, I know, its like after all this time, it was right in front of me. But thanks for caring about me
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Heather
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I understand feeling that way. And I do think it's sound to try and pay attention to things like that, and to do what we can (note the "what we can" part) to avoid getting close or sexual with people who appear unlikely to treat us or others with care and respect, sexually and otherwise.

At the same time, there are probably a bunch of guys out there wearing t-shirts like that. And while it sounds pretty tacky, since more men DON'T rape than those who do, plenty of those guys likely would NOT have raped you, even if they might be enabling rape in some way. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mikosama
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Hi Heather! I do agree with that, but to me if a guy or guys are going around wearing those types of shirts, they don't seem to respect sex and whoever they're engaging the act with. For me in this case, its like the sign to say oh shit hes going to rape me, since I've known him (3 yrs) he never wore stuff like that around me. Like I was saying its kinda like I don't know like wow more like damn he wanted to and tried to rape me :/ makes ya feel pretty shitty.
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Heather
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I'm hoping it's okay for me to be honest.

Again, I hear you, but where you're going with this to me just sounds a whole lot like more self-blaming on your part.

So, I'm going to keep saying it for as long as you need to hear it: Your rape is not your fault. It is EXCLUSIVELY the fault of the person who raped you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Mikosama
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Hi Heather, I didn't even notice I sounded like I was blaming myself, but its true I still do, I don't know when the day will be when I realize its not my fault. and I know this sounds crazy, I feel like even though he didn't penetrate me vaginally, but I feel like he did rape me. Im embrassed that I literally gave you guys the whole gory story of what happened. I know I said this already, but I still feel like at times Im kind of in denial or refusal to accept what happened, I don't know if it had to have been attempted and he wanted to rape me. he did didn't he? Like I say again I apologise, its just been hard to accept this ordeal.
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Ecofem
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Hey Mikosama, I'm just dropping in to say hi-- I hope it's ok for me to join in the conversation. [Smile]

There's really no need to apologize or feel embarrassed... it's such a complicated, hard thing to deal with and we all process it in our own ways at our own speed. And part of that process can mean feeling confused or embarrassed or what have, and it's ok and natural. For me, it's been going on nine years and for years it's been something that is part of my past but not something that I'm thinking about on a daily basis... however, it still feels confusing at times so I absolutely know where you're coming from. That said, I've also talked about it a lot with supportive people; it was a long work-in-progress... have you been able to get in touch with some in-person resources? [Smile]

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Mikosama
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Hi ecofem! I appreciate that you sharing that you went through this as well. It has been difficult for me as you said as well, I don't think of it on a daily basis not at all, I can just tell I feel different and how I act period. I have really good friends that I have shared what I went through and they let me know they are here for me. I think I've been dealing with it well.
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