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Author Topic: Direct me to some Info Please?
Two Planets
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I'm from Canada, so if you don't know for sure the answer to my question, could you help me find some place where I could get the answers I need?

My boyfriend and I were being intimate, and he entered me for a few seconds without a condom before I asked him to put one on. I don't remember when this was. I'm late for my period now though.

I have a pregnancy test that I will be taking tomorrow morning. If I am pregnant, what should I do first? I'm living away from my province of origin to go to school, so will this make things hard?

If I am pregnant, I do not want to deliver...

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Heather
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You must have some idea when this happened? In the last few days, the last week, the last month?

It also takes some time after pregnancy has actually happened for the levels of the hormones tests measure for to be high enough to get a positive. So, you'll want to wait around two weeks after the risk OR whenever your period is late, whichever comes first. If this happened in the last few days, I'd wait another two weeks to test.

Do know that basically the level of risk you're looking at is essentially perfect use of withdrawal, which is 96%. So, it's not a big risk: STIs would be the greater risk here.

Why don't we first get to the point where we figure out if you are pregnant, okay? Then, if you like, we can talk about what your options are and what help you want in either exploring those options or going with any one choice. Regardless, being away from the province you reside in shouldn't create any barriers per any of your choices, though per abortion, some provinces have more providers than others.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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Okay thank you!
I do know that it happened within the last month, I just meant that I wasn't sure of the exact day. Sorry for being unclear =]

If I am pregnant, can I post back on this topic tomorrow morning to have some advice or just someone to talk to?

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Heather
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No problem: sounds, then, like now is as good a time to test as any.

No matter what the result, you are absolutely welcome to come back here for advice, counsel or just to talk. We can do pregnancy options counseling here, and I've done it at another workplace as well, so that's something we're here to help with if you need it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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Thank you again! I'll be sure to let you know.
(also thanks for the great site)

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Heather
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You're so welcome. And I'll personally be around most of the day tomorrow. I'll check in for you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I took the test and it was negative, but I still have no period. Should I wait a week and take another, or should I assume this test is correct?
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Heather
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Your best bet is to wait on it for now, and then if, in another week, you still don't have your period, go ahead and retest. Sometimes, some pregnancies won't create enough hCG for the test to read.

In the meantime, do what you can to try (I know it's tough) to manage any stress around this, get enough food, activity and rest. Sometimes, a lot of stress around a risk can change our habits and be why a period is late.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I know thinking of too many "what if's" isn't the way to avoid stressing, but I do have one question:

You said that some pregnancies won't create enough hCG for the test to read. Does the amount of hCG increase over time, or will it remain this way if that is the case? I guess what I'm getting around at is what difference will one week make?

I will try not to stress, I just can't wait to know for sure...
this feels so surreal =(

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Heather
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Won't create enough AT FIRST, or as soon as right at your late period. In time, hCG increases in all pregnancies, and a week or two CAN make a big difference.

If you want to talk about how you're feeling about all of this while you wait for that next week, by the way, I'm glad to listen and help you work through those.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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That would be great. I just moved to where I'm at now about 3 months ago, and although I've made friends, nobody close enough to talk about this with. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we just became sexually active 2 months ago.

I know he would help me through this and be very mature, but I really don't want to tell him until I know for sure. If I'm not pregnant, I'll feel as though I had stressed him out for no reason. We've both got enough on our plates at the moment and I would feel bad knowing he would have more stress because of this.

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Heather
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I understand. Whenever we have a pregnancy scare, there's always the question of whether or not to share that with partners, and a whole lot of variables.

One thing I'd suggest though, is that if you think it'll help you to be able to talk to him about this, I'd privilege that need, especially if he's not dealing with something major right now, like say, a death in the family. Partnership is supposed to be just that, and as it is, there's a natural inequity in male-female partnerships where you're the only one who can actually get pregnant, and who will possibly ever fully deal with a pregnancy. I think that inequity given, asking for support and partnership when you need emotional help with a pregnancy issue is pretty minor.

And even if you aren't pregnant, worry about pregnancy isn't minor when you're the one who could be/could have been pregnant. It can be pretty heavy-duty. This might also be something important for both of you to talk about when it comes to making choices that are better for you in the future. In other words, if he can understand how scary and stressful this was for you, it can help make clear that something as simple and painless as putting on a condom right from the start is a small thing that can be a HUGE help for you.

I'd also add that when we care about someone, we tend to want for them to share their burdens with us. It's one way we can show them love and care, and be their real partner. Sometimes, it's more stressful and upsetting for us to find out later someone we cared about didn't ask us for help we could give -- especially when it's about something we both had a part in -- than NOT to be asked/told. Know what I mean?

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About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I understand. I have talked with him recently about condoms actually. We've only had intercourse 4 times in the past two months. It was sometimes uncomfortable for me for a bit so we would slow things down and do other activities until I felt ready to try again. Unfortunately, every time that happened he would take the condom off then put another one on later. I asked him to leave it on the entire time next time, and he agreed that it would be safer and help me feel more secure.

As for telling him, I know it's a good idea, I just don't know if I can bring myself to do it... And at the same time I know it wouldn't be hard to tell him because he always takes such good care of me

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Heather
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Well, you certainly don't HAVE to tell him if that's not something you want to do or if you don't think doing so would actually make you feel any better.

Do you want to talk about what parts of this were the most surreal for you and what scared you the most?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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It's like everybody says: " I never thought it would happen to me"

A month before I moved away, my mother offered to pay for me to go on birth control, but I didn't want to go on it yet. At that time I had no plans of becoming sexually active in the near future. I had no idea I would be ready to try in such a short time.

It's not like I'm scared my mom will discover I've been sexually active. She even told me herself "it's likely to happen, and I just want you two to be safe." My whole family loves my boyfriend very much and care for him.

If I am pregnant, I plan to abort it. I worry that my boyfriend will think differently about me after that, or not respect that decision. We both knew a girl in high school who had an abortion and I remember him not agreeing with that. He said "there's something very special about being a mother."

I think with him a lot of that comes from the fact that he was not raised by his mother. He calls her and tries to have a bond with her, but she never offers any effort to stay in touch. Because of that he has formed very close bonds with the other women in his family who have all in some way or another been his mothers.

I love him so much and I want him to understand and support me through my decision if anything happens. I don't want to hurt him

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Heather
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Well, one thing I'm hearing in this is that if you need someone else to talk to, it sounds like you Mom might be someone you could. I hear your concern about her knowing, but it sounds to me like she's actually tried to be very accepting and supportive of you being sexually active.

I'm a big fan, ideally before having the kind of sex with a partner which could result in pregnancy (especially if it's something other than a very casual relationship where what the other person thought about a repro choice would be a non-issue) of having a talk together about this stuff. In other words, of sitting down and saying, "So, we're going to be doing things now which could result in a possible pregnancy. Can we talk about how both of us feel about that and all it can mean?" Then you both share how you feel about that risk, what you think you would want to do IF that happened. And if you don't feel like you can even say what you'd want, I'd honestly say that's good cause to reconsider getting involved in that way with that person.

By all means, a partner doesn't have to be in agreement with you on most repro choices (adoption is an exception to that, as is co-parenting), but being in a sexual relationship with risks of pregnancy where partners are strongly not in agreement can be seriously tough and kind of iffy, you know?

By all means, those talks aren't always easy, especially when you have a male person saying things like how special it is to be something they will never have to be. His sentiments aren't without value, by all means, but at the same time, for example, if there is something special about being a mother (and I'd agree) then really wanting to be one matters and being ready to be one matters.

When you say you don't want to hurt him, can I ask what kind of hurt you're concerned you'd cause? Do you mean by making a reproductive choice he wouldn't like or want you to make? Can you recognize that if there's only one kind of repro choice he feels a partner of his should make or be okay making, that that would require a) his being clear on that from the get-go with you or anyone else, and also b) his being prepared, were his partner in agreement, to fully be a parent himself?

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About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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Well, neither of us ever want to have kids, so there's some kind of paradox there, huh? haha

The kind of hurt I was thinking of was hurting him by doing something he wouldn't have imagined me doing I guess. Like I said, I don't want the way he sees me and the way he loves me to change in a negative way.

And as I've thought of it, although he disagreed with other people doing it, I couldn't imagine him feeling comfortable with me delivering a child, you know?

But also as I've said, he felt abandoned by his mother, and so I worry that my decision to not carry the child (if there is one) could bring up painful memories / feelings for him.

Also, I know this last part is irrelevant, but when we first moved here, both being shy, we weren't quick to make friends, so we often relied on each other. We ended up seeing each other too often and not having anything to talk about anymore, not feeling romantic, and a few other problems. We talked about it and decided we would go out for a date once a week from now on to try and change things up, and to make more efforts to go hang out with other people. We have a date coming up this week, and I don't want to ruin it by bringing this up before then.

Like I said, I know that shouldn't be that important, but I want him to have a good day

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Heather
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I understand.

One thing I can say is that if you're in relationship with someone, they're in relationship with the person you are. In other words, as long as you are being you, even if they're not totally in agreement with all of your feelings or politics, who you ARE and how you'd best like to handle something that is about your body (not theirs) and your life (far more than theirs) shouldn't be hurtful to them. And I'd say that's all the more so when it's about you choosing not to do something you know you aren't ready for and don't want: I personally don't think any child is helped by someone parenting them who doesn't want to. And given the situation with his mother, he might actually acutely understand that better than you'd think.

Again, in terms of telling him or not, there's no right answer. But I'd just make sure that you are thinking just as much about what YOU need -- especially since again, the person this most deeply impacts is you, even though it's about you both -- as what he might or how good his day may be, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I know...
I just am trying to make as little fuss about this as possible. I know that sounds kind of wrong. But what I mean is I don't want to get too worked up just in case there's nothing.

Next week after I take another test, if it is negative again, then what?

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Heather
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Zero judgment on your decision around sharing this with him or not: seriously. But I do think it sounds like sometime in the near future you should probably have the kind of talk I suggested around pregnancy and pregnancy options to find out what page you are both on, have you both know where the other stands, and to be sure you're in enough alignment on it to even still feel okay doing anything that might possibly pose that risk together.

If after two tests, with that space apart, they're both negative, you can be pretty darn certain you're not pregnant.

Again, do bear in mind that your risk was not huge in the first place, so it would be far more likely you are NOT pregnant than it would be that you are.

[ 10-26-2009, 05:27 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I do plan to have a talk with him for sure. I have a positive feeling about it and I think it will work out. We care for each other a lot and take care of each other always. We've been there for each other through some pretty major times, and have been very understanding thus far (I especially felt this way after we decided to be careful of how much time we spent together and to work things out instead of just quitting when the going got tough)

Thank you also for reminding me that my risk was not huge. I really needed that to calm me down.

I'll also think about going on birth control if we do decide to continue being sexually active, because I think the extra backup would help ease both of our minds

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Heather
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You're welcome. So, feeling any better?

If not, I'm perfectly happy continuing to talk if you like.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I do plan to have a talk with him for sure. I have a positive feeling about it and I think it will work out. We care for each other a lot and take care of each other always. We've been there for each other through some pretty major times, and have been very understanding thus far (I especially felt this way after we decided to be careful of how much time we spent together and to work things out instead of just quitting when the going got tough)

Thank you also for reminding me that my risk was not huge. I really needed that to calm me down.

I'll also think about going on birth control if we do decide to continue being sexually active, because I think the extra backup would help ease both of our minds

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Two Planets
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ouch, sorry for the double post! My wireless internet is a little iffy, so I wasn't sure if my original post sent.

Yes, I'm feeling a lot better. I think I'll take a break and get my mind off of it for now, do something relaxing.

I'll come back to this thread next week and let you know how everything went.

You're amazing!

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Two Planets
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ouch, sorry for the double post! My wireless internet is a little iffy, so I wasn't sure if my original post sent.

Yes, I'm feeling a lot better. I think I'll take a break and get my mind off of it for now, do something relaxing.

I'll come back to this thread next week and let you know how everything went.

You're amazing!

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Heather
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I think that's a good plan. And I was more than glad to help. Now, go take care of you. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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I had some cramping all day today, and I just started bleeding about 20 minutes ago...is this my period finally arriving late, or should I still take a test next week to be sure?
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Heather
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Working on other areas of the site today, but wanted to make sure you weren't waiting all afternoon for an answer on this.

Indeed, this may well be your period. If you've had your period for a while, you probably have a good sense of what it looks and feels like, so over the next couple of days, you'll likely be able to make a good call on if this is your period or not.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Two Planets
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Ok, thank you very much!

I'll be sure to talk to my mom again about the birth control if my boyfriend and I decide to remain sexually active =] (I'll talk to him this weekend)

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