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witsend
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Member # 44236

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Hi, I'm not exactly a teen anymore, scarlet or otherwise, but I hope you can help me anyway, I found you have some very sound advice at the website, and hope you have some for me too.

I've been with my wonderful boyfriend for about half a year now (we're both in our 20s), and at the beginning we were having lots of sex, most of it great (the rest still okay). Then he went travelling for a few months, and since he is back there have been some problems, namely that most times he's not keeping an erection. He is turned on by me (he told me and I know this to be true), but most times he gets an erection that is only half hard, or one that is almost hard but goes soft again after a few minutes. Sometimes it comes back after a while, and then we can still have intercourse, but it doesn't feel nearly as good as when he is fully hard and stays fully hard all through. And so most times we start out having sex it ends with me disappointed and frustrated (and not saying that to him because I don't want to make him feel bad).

If we haven't done it for a week or so, he does get fully hard and then everything is great again, but I really want more sex than that and so does he. It's not a physical issue, he gets midnightly erections (and everything was working just fine a few months ago).

We have talked about it a few times, he said it has happened to him a few times in the past (with other women, so it's not an issue caused by me). If it was only sometimes I would be fine with it, but it's almost every time now, and I'm angry and frustrated and feel bad about feeling that way because really, it's not his fault and it probably bothers him even more than me.

Do you have any idea what can cause this, and more importantly, how to solve it? And perhaps some wise words on how I can deal with it?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, it may simply be normal: that happens sometimes, and sometimes cycles of that will go on for a bit, especially if a guy is feeling stressed out about it.

But there are some things that can also be common causes. Is he using any kind of medications? Does he have any kind of depression or anxiety? Has he been dealing with any extra or new stress lately?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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witsend
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He's not on any medication (that I know of, but since we live together I would know). He's not depressed or anxious (again, as far as I know).
It might be stress, he's planning a trip to the other end of the world & doesn't know how everything is going to work out there. But that doesn't seem an issue that is eating him up, at the moment his life is as relaxed as it gets. But yeah, it probably doesn't help that this keeps happening, puts on more pressure every time we try I guess. I while ago I suggested that maybe if we didn't do it for a few days, that would help, but he didn't see much in that idea.
Yah, on one hand I want to talk about it with him and pry his mind to figure out what can be causing this, but that will in all likelihood just make him feel worse, so on the other hand I want to just ignore this and wait until it goes away by itself. Which it hasn't so far.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I agree that going on about this more will likely feel worse.

Instead, how about talking about the things I did, and having a conversation that makes clear that it is OKAY this is happening?

I know you're frustrated with it, so understand I'm not asking you to lie. rather, I'm suggesting you take all the pressure off both by exploring other activities that satisfy you that don't require an erection (which is likely to improve your sex life anyway), and make clear that you can both feel satisfied regardless, which you can, especially if you do that. Taking the pressure off will also probably make this less likely to happen.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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witsend
Neophyte
Member # 44236

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I only saw your answer just now, but what you suggested is exactly what we did the other day (at his suggestion), just make out, if more happens then it happens, if not, then not, and it did help a lot in taking the pressure off him and lowering my expectations to a level a whole lot more manageable. Afterwards we both agreed it was very nice & we should do that more often. Problem is not entirely solved, but at least we seem to have found a possible way to deal with it.

Thank you so much for listening, as I want to keep this man in my life this problem is not something I can talk to my friends about, as I would normally do, because they know him too. It helped to talk about it.

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