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Author Topic: covering it up
May Day
Activist
Member # 39174

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Hi all:)

i've been seeing a counsellor at my uni for a few months. It's been really cathartic, i always feel great walking out, even if i'm also really emotional.

I've been seeing her because i've been anxious about my relationship with my mum (my only family) and to talk about some of the shitty things i was feeling about my friends, who had really hurt me.

The main reason i'm going though is because i'm so so anxious about sex. My current SO was the last bit of leverage i needed to go because i didn't like how upset i was getting around him. It wasn't fair on either of us. He's wonderfully supportive but i've gotten to a stage where i'm so sensitive about anything not quite right during sex that i just break down and cry. it's.. all reactionary, i just react so badly, i can't be rational or cool about it, i just freak out and close up. He's great and wants me to talk to him and i do.

I've never had one and i'm so *scared* of getting close to orgasm. Now i'm fixed on it, i can't get that out of my head and not being able or being scared of what's happening is *Always* on my mind.

my previous bf, and my first, has had so many negative influences on me and i still feel so pressured to have sex. It's not my current who's pressuring me, it's me. I'm so hard and negative on myself. it upset me so much, it completely spoils any good time i'm having and i feel wretched. Lately, thinking about how i *define* rape, as "non-consensual sex", i've been wondering if i should be changing how i see my previous relationship, where i was so pressured and so miserable and intimidated, as rape. It certainly was emotionally painful and some of it has been traumatic, in that i'm still suffering the aftereffects.

I really need some help with this, because sex and my reactions to it, have all become so central and consuming. But i've realised that when i talk about it with my counsellor.. i can be really upbeat and pragmatic about sex. It's something i just need to chill out about. But that's not helping, and i'm not getting better. I'm just saying positive things to cover it up because it's really difficult to talk about. i feel like i've been wasting my counselling sessions now because i'm not getting better, i'm not handling things better.

All this weighs so heavily on me and i'm doing such a rotten job at helping myself. i don't what to do. I now don't know how to go about it in counselling any more because i'm saying things someone would want to hear, but aren't true. And i really don't know how to change my mental processing, i don't *want* to be reacting so badly, i want to be able to relax and enjoy myself and say that i want to do something different or that something is uncomfortable.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

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Hey May Day. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this. Counselling is definitely a step in the right direction, but you're right - it won't do very much unless you can be honest about what it is you need help with.

Have you thought about writing out what it is you want to say and giving it to your counsellor? Maybe even printing off what you've posted here? It can be easier, sometimes, to write things instead of saying them out loud, and you can make it as thorough as you need to make sure that your counsellor has the full picture.

One thing I'd also strongly suggest is that you take a break from sex for the time being. Trying to have sex when you're processing so much from your previous relationship is really not going to help.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5799 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
May Day
Activist
Member # 39174

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thanks for the reply Karybu, i think writing it down does help. It's kinda hard not to over-write and just go on and on:P

i might print this off, plus focus on one thing at a time to write about properly to take with me to my next appointment.

I also think i'll talk to my partner about slowing it down again. That would be kinda nice actually, i wouldn't be worried about what's coming next because we can set a limit.

Posts: 172 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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