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Author Topic: Not coping as well as I thought with everything..
k486
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Hello again, I'm back for some more advice. I'm pretty much at breaking point and I'm just... at my wits' end, really. Any advice, insight, just.. anything is more than welcome at this point.

Useful history - got engaged in October 2008. Fell pregnant in November 2008 but miscarried in January 2009. Decided to wait but was careless and fell pregnant again in April 2009 and had a medical abortion in May 2009. So I've been having a pretty rubbish time of things.

Saturday night we (my s/o & I) were talking on msn and he suddenly started being really pissy, swearing at me etc, and went offline. He changed his status to single on facebook and I just.. freaked out. I went to his house but it was really late and he refused to come out and talk so I went to stay at my best friend's house for the night.

He later claimed that he just meant to hide the relationship status from his profile and it just set it to single by mistake so that was a misunderstanding but.. as far as I knew, he'd just ended it for no reason, wouldn't come out and talk to me when I went to see him.. I was devastated and just broke down completely.

I spoke to him on Sunday and he told me we were still together but he was still being really pissy and stuff and I just.. don't understand why he was like that, he's never normally like this. He broke off the engagement, anyway so.. yeah..

I whine at him quite a lot and know that it annoys him so I don't know if he's just hit breaking point and is being an *** because of that, or what but just. Ugh. I'm an emotional wreck because of everything, things have been kinda bad the past few weeks because I'm emotionally in a bad place. And he tells me he doesn't want to deal with me if I'm just going to whine and bitch at him all the time but when I feel this sh*t I'm hardly going to be happiness & light 24/7, you know?

Oh, forgot to add this before, I'm on the patch but my period was three days late and only started yesterday so that was on my mind and freaking me out on top of all the other crap that's going on atm. -__-"

Anyway. We're working on things but we've taken such a huge step backwards and I feel really discouraged. He insists he still loves me, wants me, wants this relationship to work. I think that he's not as mature as I thought and maybe just isn't ready for all this. It's too intense, too stressful for him and he just wants to have fun. I don't know what to do. I'm going to see him tomorrow so I'll see how things are I guess. I just.. want to make things be ok again but I have no idea how.

On a different note, in the past few weeks leading up to this, I've been unable to orgasm during sex. Because how I am emotionally, has a direct impact on that (and everything else). And he wants to give/receive oral sex but I feel vulnerable and I don't feel comfortable with it unless I feel safe, secure & happy and I just.. don't. I don't feel any of those things right now. And after everything, it'll take a while to get me back to a decent emotional state. And while he said he understood I think he's probably annoyed about it.

I'm so fed up of feeling like crap, of feeling so scared of losing him, of feeling so insecure and unstable. So much crap has happened to me and I just want to feel good, to feel happy, to feel loved. I had a huge depressive outburst yesterday and said that if things don't get better soon that I'd just walk off a building because I really can't take anymore. My best friend (the person I said it to) doesn't believe I would, but is still worried that I'd even say something like that.

As I said, any help and advice is appreciated. Sorry for the long post.

[ 07-08-2009, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: k486 ]

Posts: 44 | From: Uk | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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So, this sentence leapt out at me:

quote:
And he tells me he doesn't want to deal with me if I'm just going to whine and bitch at him all the time
Are those his words? If they are, that really, really troubles me. Particularly given all you've been through in the last year. Him swearing at you and all of that also just does not sound good to me at all. These kinds of words and behaviours just aren't loving.

I'm not surprised you're not reaching orgasm right now: I'd be surprised if you were, honestly. I think you need to let the expectation of that go for right now. Your relationship is in crisis, you're feeling down, and to boot, you've had some unintended pregnancies which may still be bothering you. It sounds, really, like right now would be a sound time to take a break from sex and -- if he really is earnest about working things out with you, and you still want to be with this guy -- both of you focusing your energy or working through these conflicts as well as some of the dynamics going on.

I also hear you saying this:

quote:
I think that he's not as mature as I thought and maybe just isn't ready for all this. It's too intense, too stressful for him and he just wants to have fun. I don't know what to do. I'm going to see him tomorrow so I'll see how things are I guess. I just.. want to make things be ok again but I have no idea how.
Which leads me to ask you this: are you sure this person is a good fit for you? Or is it possible that he isn't, or over time, you two have become a poor fit, and you just want to be with someone, not specifically with him (as the person he is and you know him to be in the now)? How about the same, per what you know, around his feelings for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
k486
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I don't think he said it exactly like that but.. recently I seem to get upset a lot and I guess it must be frustrating and upsetting for him, that I appear to be unhappy, with him. I mean, I love him to bits, I'm just unhappy.. generally, rather than in the relationship. A lot has happened to bring me down, you know? But it's not his fault that I'm unhappy, I'm just finding it hard to cope.

He's normally caring and sympathetic, tries to comfort me when I get upset, holds me close to him etc it's just the past few days that he seems different. He's only 19 and is the baby of his family as well, and things were very happy and carefree and suddenly all of this stuff started happening and it spiralled out of control and I've ended up being quite depressed (I've had issues with depression in the past, and was on medication for it at one point, a few years ago). And I know that I can be quite draining when I'm emotional.. [Frown]

I spoke to him again this evening and things seem better, and he said he's going to try harder, to make me feel happy, loved, safe. He's just finding everything really stressful and I guess we just have to take each day as it comes and see how we go.

I don't feel like we don't fit, I just.. don't know how to support him, don't know how to make this less pressured, less stressful for him. And I think that maybe I dump too much on him and that he just isn't coping with it, so I don't know if it'd be worth me going to see a counsellor to try and help me deal with the issues, so that I don't come across as just being so negative all of the time?

I do still want to be with him, in spite of the spats recently, we have a connection that I've never felt with anyone else, he understands and accepts me in spite of my (many) flaws and is usually sympathetic and supportive. I think maybe I just expected too much from him, too soon. Our relationship felt kind of rushed, from getting engaged onwards. I don't think we'd been together long enough, and I don't think he's old enough.

I agree that it's a good idea to have a break from sex while we try and get through the issues we have right now. I was thinking of doing some volunteer work while I keep looking for paid work, and maybe giving him a bit of space as well? Since I think that because he sees me all the time, that maybe that's part of the reason we've been winding each other up so much. Thankyou for always replying to my threads, by the way, it's nice to have advice from you because you've helped me in the past as well. [Smile]

Posts: 44 | From: Uk | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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quote:
He's only 19 and is the baby of his family as well, and things were very happy and carefree and suddenly all of this stuff started happening and it spiralled out of control and I've ended up being quite depressed (I've had issues with depression in the past, and was on medication for it at one point, a few years ago). And I know that I can be quite draining when I'm emotional.
Know what this sounds like to me? (And you touched on this in your first post in the thread.) It sounds like a movement from childhood and adolescence to adulthood. In other words, yep, this is going to happen, especially when you start to have very intimate relationships, you start to have sex (and everything that can happen with it), when you start to lead a grownup life. And EVERYONE can be draining when things are wrong and they're emotional: that's something we sign unto when we get deeply involved with others, though. If we don't want to have to live with that sometimes, we need to not get into close or serious relationships.

So, some of what I'm hearing is that HE might just need to work more, for himself -- though you certainly can support him in that -- to transition into adulthood. You can also help him with your stuff, and yourself, by being sure that you are also talking to friends about your troubles, and a counselor if that seems like a good call for you, which I think it would be.

I think you seeking out some volunteer work for yourself would be great, particularly for you. Really, if something is good for YOU, then it only makes sense it's good for your relationships, which are an extension of you. Know what I mean?

It sounds reasonable to me, what you're saying about things being too much too soon, or too deep too soon. That may be: have you two been able to talk about that?

One additional thing? While I get it in long-distance relationships, I personally think in-person couples should keep communication by messaging to a minimum, and never have serious conversations that way. If writing works better as communication sometimes than talking, I'd suggest letters of some length instead. It's just way too easy for miscommunication to happen in IM or texts, and when there are conflicts, it can feel tougher and be tougher to resolve via those mediums.

And I'm happy to reply to you, and glad to talk about any of this with you. If you also want to talk about some of the other things that have you still feeling low, I'm more than glad to do that.

[ 07-08-2009, 06:45 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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