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Author Topic: undesirable if I'm not a virgin
Member # 42504

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I have a dilema. I'm with someone and he wants to have sex with me. I'm a virgin and I've only done some experimenting, but I've otherwise done nothing. I have no problem with having actual intercourse (vaginal, anal, etc).

But my problem is that I think I won't be desirable if I'm not a virgin anymore. Like say, if him and I broke up I don't think any man would want me if I weren't a virgin.

I've told him about this, and he said that no one cares about that and anyone who didn't like me because I'm a virgin isn't worth it anyway. Is this true? Or is he just doing this to get laid? I don't want to sleep with him, break up, and then have no man want me. I'm stuck.

Posts: 2 | From: San Antonio | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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Can I ask what kinds of beliefs about virginity you grew up with or what ideas you heard about virginity when you were growing up? Often the things we heard during childhood can become internalized, so that may be part of why you are feeling this way about sex. Sadly, there are still some places in the world where someone's sexual experience can determine their value as a person. Fortunately, much of western society doesn't hold to that belief anymore and people have realized that there is faaaar more to a person than the amount of sexual experience they have or have not had.

You say that you think your partner is only saying this to have sex with you. Is there a reason you feel that way? Has he said or done anything which would imply such?

Also, we have a couple of articles you may find helpful in thinking about all of this. The first two are about virginity, explaining how it is a social construct, and some of the myths about it. The third one is a very useful guide that explores sexual readiness and preparedness. Often when we hear people express these ideas about sex, part of it is that they don't entirely feel ready for sex, so this might be helpful to you in determining if sex is something you are ready for at this point in time.
20 Questions About Virginity: Scarleteen Interviews Hanne Blank
Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

[ 04-05-2009, 06:19 PM: Message edited by: orca ]

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 42504

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I wasn't born with any beliefs about virginity really. My mom just told me not to have sex since I was nine and that's about it. Alot of people of people just make it seem like if you aren't a virgin and not married or in a long relationship you're a slut, and no man would ever want you.

There's no real reason for it me thinking he's saying this just to have sex with me. I was just thinking that it might be a possibility, and if it sounded like that could be a reason for him saying it.

So I'm a afraid that the kind of guy I want, wouldn't want me if I were a virgin. It really stresses me out more than it should and I'm tired of worrying about it. I know it'll happen sooner or later, but I don't want to feel like I'm undesirable.

Posts: 2 | From: San Antonio | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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