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Author Topic: really difficult to deal
caityl
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Member # 41891

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Ive never heard of this site before so i dont really know if this what were supposed to talk about but when i was 13 i was raped by someone but continued to see him afterward because i was terrified of him and his friends, i finally ended it when i began highschool ive had to switch schools already because he and his friends showed up frequently and i couldnt deal with seeing him, im dating this amazing guy and i trust him and i love him i know he does to, he knows that happend and understands it terrifies me to even think about having sex, i really want to share that expiernce with him, but i constantly have flash backs when things between us get to involved, i dont know what to do ive tried counclers and group talks before but nothing is working and this seems like my last resort to make my self not scared of some stupid guy from my past please help will i ever be able to have sex with someone i love ?.
Posts: 5 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
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caityl, I'm so sorry this got overlooked. It's absolutely okay to post this here, and we actually have a number of threads in our Abuse & Abusive Relationships forum that are of a similar nature, if you want to browse around there. So do feel free to talk about this here as much as you want or need to.

First, I would like to address the issue of safety. You said that the guy and his friends have shown up at your school before. Is that still happening? Is your current school aware of this safety concern? Also, how are you feeling at your home? I ask not to scare you but just to make sure that those things are okay and if not then we can provide you with some resources, though also talking to your family/guardians and your school would be good places to start.

You say you've been to counsellors and group talks. How did that go? How long did you do that for? Healing from rape and abuse can take time, and while that's frustrating, it's also important that you are giving yourself that time and taking things slowly. Often it takes a while to get comfortable with a therapist and be able to open up to them. Do you feel you've been able to do that with your counsellors?

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

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caityl
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they havent showed up since i switched schools. My councler and my social worker know all about it. And at my home well thats a seperate mess. And no it doesnt scare me this is the least of my worries.It went horrible talking to them it didnt help the flashbacks and nightmares just became worse.I talked to and am talking to a councler for the past two in a half years and groups off and on for a year. No councler has made me feel comfortable enough to really speak to them in depth in what ive been going through.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Two and a half years is a long time to stick with a counselor who you don't feel able to be very candid with. If you've stuck with that one for that long, is it safe to assume you do like that counselor, and you might want to go ahead and take the plunge and talk about these issues?

If not, might you consider looking for another counselor with whom you do feel that comfortable?

In the meantime, I think it's important you are patient with yourself in terms of holding off on sex until it isn't so scary for you and you do feel comfortable with it. Chances are good you WILL find yourself comfortable with sex at some point, or with a given partner, that time obviously just isn't here and now.

How long have you been dating this guy? Is he understanding about waiting? As well, might there be some other ways you are comfortable sharing or demonstrating affection and pleasure?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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caityl
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Member # 41891

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I do like my councler but she is very out spoken on her opinions. I just dont think a councler is going to help me very much. Ive been dating him for a year an some, he is very understanding about waiting till im ready and there is other ways we show each other affection and pleasure, its just its not enough for me anymore. but the flashbacks are so horrible when we begin to get more intimate that i end up wreck and we both leave with horrible feelings [Embarrassed]
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Stephanie_1
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 36725

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Is this one conselor the only one you've spoken with one-on-one? I'm asking this not to make you feel pressured but to get a basis for what experience you've had both with this counselor and with others. Sometimes, it takes a few tries to get a counselor that feels right to talk to about any given thing, and rape can be especially difficult to confide in people about.

Also, you mentioned a specific trait about this counselor that bothers you, so I'm wondering if you've ever met with a counselor that wasn't as outspoken. Think about how you choose your friends - you look for certain qualities because you talk to and confide in them right? The same idea applies to any counselor, there has to be a really good connection. Too, as Heather mentioned, two years is a long time to be with someone you don't trust.

What other types of things do you think based on your personality might help you? Do you like to write or draw? Could you keep a journal or art notebook to help give you a place to get your thoughts out first? Do you like to walk, and think that when your having a day with a lot of flashbacks you could take a walk outside in the fresh air and clear your thoughts?

I'm seeing a lot of emphasis being put on sex here, and something that troubles me is that you're leaving with horrible feelings. Sex can't happen all at once. When a flashbak begins are you taking a step back from the activity right away? Do you have a grounding technique, something you do to help bring you back and remind you you're in the present? We can make some suggestions for you if you'd like, and you can make them your own or adapt one to fit you.

Part of really being ready for any type of sex means being holistically ready, holistically here pointing to physically, emotionally, mentally. I hear you saying that you feel you're ready, but your body and mind are saying that they just aren't ready right now. How is sex alone? Many women after rape learn to be okay with sex again through masturbation, finding that pleasure on their own and gradually being able to introduce their partner into that. Is this something you're comfortable with on your own right now?

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"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

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caityl
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Member # 41891

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Yes ive spoken to her one on one.Every councler ive spoken with has been the same, I love poetry and writing. nothing brings be back to myself, walking and having a smoke help me bring things back into focus. I no im physically ready but emotionaly and mentally it seems only at times. Sex alone is good and calming, but i dont really enjoy it.
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caityl
Neophyte
Member # 41891

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Yes ive spoken to her one on one.Every councler ive spoken with has been the same, I love poetry and writing. nothing brings be back to myself, walking and having a smoke help me bring things back into focus. I no im physically ready but emotionaly and mentally it seems only at times. Sex alone is good and calming, but i dont really enjoy it.
Posts: 5 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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