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Author Topic: Is this an actual phobia or just me being stupid?
Shea
Neophyte
Member # 39705

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First of all, sorry if this in the wrong forum, it seemed like the best place to receive answers.

Alright, so, I have been with my boyfriend for just over five months, and I have been giving him oral since our first month. It's not fun, but it's not bad either, and I can tolerate it. But recently he started hinting at fingering me, and I freaked out. Just the thought of anything, finger or penis, anywhere near my vagina makes me hyperventilate, and earlier I started crying at the thought of full intercourse.

I always associated my fear with my lack of a sex drive. Nothing turns me on, and I've never gotten "wet", which I heard happens when a girl wants some action. I was also recently examined by an gyno and she inserted her finger into me, with lube, and it really, REALLY hurt, enough that I couldn't sit down for two days.

So, is it all in my mind? Am I making sex worse then it is, or is this an actual medical issue?

Posts: 32 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pyro_angel
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 13245

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Extreme fear of intercourse, to the point that it's affecting your ordinary life (hyperventilating and crying certainly count) is something to see a doctor or counsellor about.
Did you tell the gyno that she was hurting you? Did she explain to you what she was going to do?
You definately should look into talking to someone in person about this.

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Courtenay

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Shea
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She did tell me what she was going to do, and I wasn't expecting it to hurt since I saw the amount of lube she used. She talked me through it the entire time so I just kept my mouth shut.

I can't afford a counselor, can I go to the same gynecologist and see if she knows what's going on? Do gyno's do that?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm so sorry you didn't say anything to her: next time you have an exam, you really need to do that.

I hear you expressing that thus far, NO sexual activities are pleasurable for you, and you're also engaging in oral sex now when it isn't. I'd suggest that for the sake of your mental health and your own sexuality, you put the brakes on doing anything that doesn't feel great to you, in all respects, and just isn't what you want. If it's just "not bad," there's just no reason to be doing it. I'd also help yourself a little by basically accepting (and you can make clear to partners) that given these feelings, there is no reason you have to engage in vaginal or vulval sex: it's not a requirement.

If you were just saying you simply have no interest in any kind of sex whatsoever, what I'd suggest is that either you just need some more time to give yourself to have that develop, and if it just never does, that you may simply be someone who doesn't have that interest. Many people now self-identify with the term "asexual" to express that.

But the fear that's running through this doesn't really speak to that: most people who ID as asexual aren't afraid of sex, they just don't have an interest. In other words, that's about disinterest, not fear. Has this always been a given for you, this fear? How far back do you remember having it? Do you have it when toileting, even, or is it just about sex or what you associate with sex?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Shea
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I considered the asexual option, but I'm definitely attracted to men, and sex does interest me, as long as it doesn't have me involved. I'm a pretty big collector of naughty videos.

This fear is pretty new, actually. It started about the time I got this boyfriend, my first one. I had always figured sex wasn't that big a deal, but now that I'm face to face with it, the more it makes me panic.

I do associate sex with pain though. I've had it pretty much drilled into my head that sex is for men, not women, and that we won't enjoy it. I'm sure it no doubt has something to do with that. Problem is I can't change my line of thinking, nothing can convince me it won't just be pain.

EDIT: I'd also like to add that my boyfriend is convinced the whole issue is just because I'm a virgin, and thinks just 'close your eyes and do it' will solve everything. How can I convince him that will just freak me out more without bursting into tears on him?

EDIT again: I've actually been reading up on asexuality, and it's not how I first thought it was, with no attraction to anyone or anything. I'm starting to think I might be asexual. Maybe . . .

[ 08-08-2008, 05:27 AM: Message edited by: Shea ]

Posts: 32 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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