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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » test for sexual selfishness

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Author Topic: test for sexual selfishness
000
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I've reaed on other of your posts that at Scarleteen you don't advise any kind of obligatory tit-for-tat when it comes to sexual stuff. I think you guys are generally sensible. Given that, what exactly do you recommend thinking about as a good way to keep from being too selfish? I think some kind of standard would be helpful for me, because I for one have a really hard time thinking critically or thinking at all while someone's hands are under my clothes (not necessarily in a bad way).

[ 09-12-2006, 08:01 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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000
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I don't understand. Did I ask something inappropriate? I would just as soon someone delete this post, if no one is goign to answer it.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Given how busy the boards are, iheartdc, sometimes posts fall under the radar. If there had been a problem with your post, someone would have let you know or deleted the post.

That's a tough question you're asking, because it's hard to generalize about what "selfish" even means in the context of partnered sex when two people are really fully present with a partner. In other words, in a balanced sexual relationships, where everyone is doing what they enjoy, how do you even define what is "to" and "by" someone?

For instance: if you're engaging in manual sex where a partner is on the receptive end, but you enjoy touch, you enjoy watching them experience pleasure, you enjoy the feeling of their genitals in your hands, both of you are giving and getting, if you follow.

Now, if you feel like you're not fully present, or that your partner is having obligatory sex, or that you're not communicating with your partner about what he or she enjoys/wants (and often, we need to have these communications BOTH in and out of bed); if your partner is expressing feeling left wanting, or you just feel like the vibe is all about you, then any or all of those things are things to be mindful of and address. But I think more times than not, you vibe it out -- does it feel balanced? -- and you talk it out -- by asking your partner how things are going, how they're feeling, what they like -- to check in and be sure things have a good balance.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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000
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I guess I've been selfish a lot, actually. I guess I need to be more proactive in terms of thinking about things and asking questions while I'm hooking up. But your post brings up some other questions for me.

Like, if everyone likes different things and you have to learn with each partner, why is it that the handful of guys I've been with have been mostly AMAZING for me w/o me saying anything?

I have some friends -guys and girls, who have talked some about how guys' sexual responses are easier to figure out than girls, and the friends I've talked to were able to give a handjob, etc. right the first time and everything. My experiences have not been anything like that. Girl's bodies make a lot more sense to me than guys bodies, plus my hands/wrists seem to get tired really easily and things like that. That's part of the reason I'm really sheepish. So I want to know: what's typical?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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quote:
Like, if everyone likes different things and you have to learn with each partner, why is it that the handful of guys I've been with have been mostly AMAZING for me w/o me saying anything?
You ask the tough questions!

Thing is, we have to bear in mind that "amazing" when it comes to sex is often not just physical. It's also emotional, it's also physcological, it's also interpersonal. When we're highly aroused and orgasmic, it's a combination of those things, and it's often hard to say which one -- if we can separate them at all -- carries more weight than another. Sometimes, you'll have a partner, for example, who is physically awkward, but the chemistry between you is so intense that the sex feels amazing anyway.

To boot, it's also in line with whatever our experiences have been to date. For instance, I felt like most of the sex I was having in my late teens and early twenties was amazing too -- and for then, most of it was -- but it wouldn't hold a candle to the sex I was having even five years later. Sex ten years later blew sex the decade before stright out of the park.

So, all of those things are factors. To boot, you may be reesponsive with your actions or sounds, even if you're not communicative verbally. You may so far have had partners who are good interpreting there, who knows.

Per which gender is "easier," that's some pretty simplistic thinking. There is no typical, here, because again, that's going to be highly individual (including the fact that some female partners are going to enjoy very athletic manual sex, so tired hands can be a factor with women, too, and not all men enjoy handjobs from partners, either). People differ along far more than gender lines, and that includes with sexual response. if everyone of every gender liked the exact same things, it'd be easier to say that perhaps one gender or another is "easier" to master per being a good sexual partner, but that's not the case.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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000
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"For instance: if you're engaging in manual sex where a partner is on the receptive end, but you enjoy touch, you enjoy watching them experience pleasure, you enjoy the feeling of their genitals in your hands, both of you are giving and getting, if you follow."

Also, I guess that quoted paragraph makes some sense. But I think I need to become reasonably competent at doing these things before I can be confident enough to relax and enjoy myself, as opposed to being extremely anxious. What do you think about watching videos, or something, to get more ideas? Could it help?

[ 09-16-2006, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: iheartdc ]

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