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Author Topic: this is really bothering me...
Member # 28444

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alright, me and my girlfried have been having sex, and for the life of me, I can't get her off. I'm not sure what's wrong. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong or if it's just her needing more foreplay or something (we don't do that much to begin with).

This is the first relationship that I've been in that I've been sexually active in and I'm not entirely sure if I'm doing something wrong when I'm fingering her or we're having sex. A couple weeks ago when we were having sex I lasted 45 min to an hour and still, nothing. I've spent a lot of time fingering her and still she's still not getting off.

She's really self-consious (basically she's convinced she's fat and ugly when, in reality, she really isn't)and I'm not sure if it's just that she can't relax because she thinks I'm judging her during all this or if she just needs a lot more attention (I'd guess more kissing/licking/feeling while I'm fingering/having sex with her...).

I keep telling her that I really see absoloutly nothing wrong with her physically and I tell her this all the time but I can't get her to believe me, so she can't relax around me when we're doing this. I try and make her as comfortable as possible but it still dosen't seem to be working (and I'm not forcing her into having sex (I've always told myself I'd never do that), if anything, she's forcing me into it, not that I mind).

If anyone can help me out with this I'd greatly appreciate it, becuase honestly, this is the only thing wrong with our relationship, and it's really bothering her...more than it should honestly...

Posts: 1 | From: CT | Registered: Apr 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I'm really sorry I can't offer you any more help than what I'm about to tell you, but in this situation- there really isn't anything more YOU can do.

Self-esteem needs to come from oneself, that's why it's called self-esteem. No amount of you telling her there is nothing wrong with her is going to make her believe it if she isn't behind the idea, as well.

In this situation, it seems very apparant that your girlfriend is not going to be able to enjoy intercourse or relax completely while she is having these feelings, because if she isn't comfortable in her own body, she's going to have a hard time being comfortable being around you in her own body, however relaxed you try and make her, if she has that thought in her head it's going to stick and you're going to be hard pressed to get past that.

What you can try to do in the meantime is communicate with your girlfriend if you are going to be sexually active, try and get her to tell you what feels good to her, what you should do differently, etc. (this is important in any relationship)

Also, it's important to remember that if you feel uncomfortable at all being sexually active, or if you feel that it may be good to hold off on sex until she can tackle some of her own self-image issues (because really, at this point, being sexually active could very well be exasperating her situation, if she's putting more worry about you judging her or her worrying about how she appears to you, being displeased with her own body, especially nude, etc.) you need to communicate that with her and really consider at this point what is the best thing for BOTH of you in your relationship and personally.

[ 04-17-2006, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: dailicious ]

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Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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