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this is it dot com
Member # 20670

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I just stumbled across your website and I'm looking for a little advice, so here goes:

I'm a virgin and I'm 21. I've been with my current boyfriend (who's also a virgin) for quite a while now. I love him very very much and I completey trust him and I want my first time to be with him, and I know he feels the same way. We've had many serious talks about the subject - consequences, protection, etc, and I'm sure of my decision. The only problem is that it's easier to say than do. We've tried to have sex twice now and each time I get scared and tense and I have to ask him to stop. We're both completely frustrated. I'm frustrated because I don't know why I keep stopping myself when I know this is what I want to do. He's frustrated because I keep saying no. He says he doesn't want to even try anymore because 'I'm just teasing him' and it's too painful for him to get so close and then hear me say stop. I can't figure out how to get past this road block, and I don't know how to get him to believe this is what I want, especially because I can't guarantee that if we try again I won't say no. Any advice on how to figure out why I keep stopping myself, and (once I've got that part down) on how to convince him to try again?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Nov 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Honestly? It sounds like on some basic level, you don't want to have intercourse. You can be informed, have all the risk/consequence/safer sex stuff down pat, and still not be ready for intercourse, you know--whether it's in general or with this particular person.

Don't rush it, give it some more time; try to back off the idea of having intercourse for awhile. Chances are, now you've built it all up, and it's become a much bigger deal than it needs to be.

It's perfectly okay for your boyfriend to also decide that he doesn't want to have intercourse, but it's not okay for him to couch that in terms that make it Your Fault. It's not your intention to "tease him," and I would guess that he knows that. As for it being "too painful," vasocongestion--"blue balls"--never yet killed anyone, and there are plenty of other activities the two of you could engage in to dispel sexual tension. Intercourse is not the end all, be all.

So I think both of y'all's energy at this point is best spent backing off the intercourse issue. Give these articles a review, if you haven't already, too; they'll underscore a lot of what I've just said:

FBI Files: Blue Balls
Ready or Not? - The Readiness Checklist
Is that all there is? - A memoir of first time sex 17 years in the making

Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

"And when the answer that you want/Is in the question that you state/Come what may..." - Coheed and Cambria, "Blood Red Summer"

Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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