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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » possible FtM ????

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Author Topic: possible FtM ????
shirona
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Member # 110079

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I actually feel very silly and uncomfortable posting about this (which I probably really shouldn't feel that way!!) but so far this seems to be the most open and accepting community I've found so far and I really really appreciate that, I just apologize if this gets lengthy;;;

to start off, I'm 17, dfab, just recently started seriously questioning my gender the past few months. it's been a very weird and confusing experience for sure. I started off with a panicky "oh god what if i just THINK I'm ____ but I'm actually cis" but I kinda realized I was in deeper than I thought and quickly got over that. I tried different labels on; agender, bigender, pangender, genderfluid. either they were alright at that time or they just didn't feel quite right.

now this is kind of weird I guess: I was watching some show with my mom two or three months ago, and the husband on this show was really nice and sweet towards his wife. it was very cute!! my mom made some comment about how "it'd be nice to have a husband like that, wouldn't it" and I agreed like yeah sure but then it kind of hit me. did I want a guy like that or did I want to Be that guy. and I sat there for a good five minutes thinking "oh no oh no here we go" and things have kind of taken off from there.

I kind of slowly put the pieces together and realized I'd feel more comfortable in a masculine (sorry if I'm using the wrong terms,,,) body, more at home I guess? I hate my body as it is now, but I has always figured it was because of my weight (I've been dealing with issues for uh as long as I can remember really). I've looked into transitioning and it feels like it's the right thing to do. I've been transfixed on the idea since I thought of it, but some part of me is doubtful and if I ever decided to do anything, I don't want to end up regretting it later. also, I feel ridiculous saying this, I sorry about my appearance because my whole life I've really struggled with that too, I've always thought I was ugly as a girl and I don't want to be uglier as a guy, if that makes sense. like I want to have a nice body and look A+ I don't k ow why I'm so concerned about this, it's annoying and discouraging

I like 'trans boy', I feel like that's the definition that fits me best. I don't care for the idea of being a man, I like boy better?? is that strange. also I don't know if this is important but I think about dating a lot, like who I would date because I recently sorted sexuality/romantic orientation stuff out for now. I feel like I could date anybody, but when it comes to dating boys, I'd rather be a boy?? like I wouldn't be able to date a boy as I am now. idk. I don't get it really

I don't really know if I'm a boy though. I've identified as a girl up until this point, and I feel like that there's still a little part of me that wants to hang on to that. like 30% of me is still in girl mode. is that bad?? or a deal breaker?? idk I'm just so stressed by it, I just wish I had one straight answer.

I guess the best way to put it is that I feel like "some weird cross between a boy and a girl." I remember staring into the mirror and thinking that as a kid, looking at my body before I hopped into the shower and thinking, "are these parts normal?" and other things I don't really know how to put into words. puberty happened and my body kind of reflected my thoughts anyway; my looks aren't exactly as feminine as they could be and I've always been self-conscious about it. I also remember little things throughout my teenage years like feeling more comfortable being recognized as a male online on forums or w/e, wanting a penis (although I'm alright with a vagina?? that in itself makes me feel ""not trans enough"" but I've heard that it doesn't determine anything), really hating my boobs?? like i've wanted a binder for like a year now, wanting a bit of facial hair, a muscular or just masculine body in general, etc... I just don't know about the gender thing, like some part of me worries that I'm just putting these thoughts into my head and trying to be something I'm not? but then I think about being what is unfortunately considered ""normal"" and just trying to fit in and get on with my life, but I feel like that would be like living a lie. I can't do that.

let's say I did figure out everything tho and let's say I transitioned--it would still be very discouraging. there's my family to worry about, what they're going to think, what the neighbors would think, what I would do if I ran into people I used to know, how would I go about dating, how would I be treated at a job, the list goes on. like little things scare me a lot, but I feel this is right. but I am just so scared of everyone's reactions, how I would be treated by them, like i would rather just. kill myself. I can't live with all of that but I have to

in advance, I am going to a therapist right now, but I don't know if I can bring this up yet. I feel like I won't be taken seriously. other than that, I don't have anybody I can talk to about this. SO I am sorry for the wall of text and if I'm being ridiculous, I feel very silly anyway

Posts: 1 | From: usa | Registered: Apr 2014  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Member # 101745

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Hi shirona, and welcome to the boards!

The big and most important thing I want to say in response here is that being a little uncertain is ok, and that there is not one way that people are trans or feeling about their experiences. Sadly, even in trans communities there can sometimes be a "there's one right way to do this and if you fall outside of it you aren't trans enough" mentality, but I really really strongly encourage you not to listen to that voice if it comes from you or from someone else.

There are trans guys who are totally fine with the genitals they were born with! Some transition and are still gender-fluid and play around with feminine identities or presentation!

From personal experience and having a lot of trans friends, I think the idea of not being 100% sure or worried that you're fooling or convincing yourself you're trans when you are "really" not is very very common. Kind of like any big decision, at some point you may decide "I need to do this" even if you're still scared. I don't know if that'll be the case for you or not, but maybe it helps to know that this is common and people do ok. =)

I would definitely suggest that you talk about this with your therapist or, if you don't feel comfortable doing that right now, maybe investigate finding a trans-friendly therapist you can see to start this conversation (we may be able to help you find one if you'd like help with that). If you do decide to pursue medical transition, therapy is generally the first step and it can be really helpful to talk things through with someone if you're considering it or trying to sort out your feelings.
A good therapist with experience talking to trans patients will have good ways to help you work through your feelings and won't push you one way or the other. If you're worried your current one may not take you seriously, then it may be a good idea to investigate other options.

And if it helps at all to have personal context, I'm a trans guy and I've managed to have a good job, several loving partners, accepting friends, and (eventually) a supportive family. I won't say there haven't been difficulties and hard times, because there absolutely were, but things have really only gotten better for me since I made that decision. It may or may not be right for you, I'm not trying to push you either way, but I just want to throw that out there. =)

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

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Hi shirona, and welcome to the boards!

The big and most important thing I want to say in response here is that being a little uncertain is ok, and that there is not one way that people are trans or feeling about their experiences. Sadly, even in trans communities there can sometimes be a "there's one right way to do this and if you fall outside of it you aren't trans enough" mentality, but I really really strongly encourage you not to listen to that voice if it comes from you or from someone else.

There are trans guys who are totally fine with the genitals they were born with! Some transition and are still gender-fluid and play around with feminine identities or presentation!

From personal experience and having a lot of trans friends, I think the idea of not being 100% sure or worried that you're fooling or convincing yourself you're trans when you are "really" not is very very common. Kind of like any big decision, at some point you may decide "I need to do this" even if you're still scared. I don't know if that'll be the case for you or not, but maybe it helps to know that this is common and people do ok. =)

I would definitely suggest that you talk about this with your therapist or, if you don't feel comfortable doing that right now, maybe investigate finding a trans-friendly therapist you can see to start this conversation (we may be able to help you find one if you'd like help with that). If you do decide to pursue medical transition, therapy is generally the first step and it can be really helpful to talk things through with someone if you're considering it or trying to sort out your feelings.
A good therapist with experience talking to trans patients will have good ways to help you work through your feelings and won't push you one way or the other. If you're worried your current one may not take you seriously, then it may be a good idea to investigate other options.

And if it helps at all to have personal context, I'm a trans guy and I've managed to have a good job, several loving partners, accepting friends, and (eventually) a supportive family. I won't say there haven't been difficulties and hard times, because there absolutely were, but things have really only gotten better for me since I made that decision. It may or may not be right for you, I'm not trying to push you either way, but I just want to throw that out there. =)

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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