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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » help (PAS)

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Author Topic: help (PAS)
kennedysecret
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I have a family member who has adrogens they are 1000 female but their genes are male, and they had 2 surgerys to remove the gonads and to deepen the vaginal hole with colon tissue.. The only,thing is now she is scared to get ino a real relationship because shes worried she wont get wet or that it will hurt or not be of any pleasure.. And she has held out on any and all sexual relations but it has impaired her intimacy comfort level!! She often hates her minor scar ir just feels like a alien and shewill not tell anyone about it. what can she do to boost her comfort in sex, or relationships?!,please help
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Robin Lee
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Hi Kennedysecret and welcome to Scarleteen,

It sounds like your family member trusts you a lot to share this very difficult part of herself, and all these fears, with you.

It's going to be pretty difficult for us to help by proxy in this situation, as this is the sort of thing we'd ideally discuss with the person who is actually experiencing it .


Did the doctors and other healthcare providers who worked with your family member give her an idea of what she could expect in terms of her sexual response? That would be the first place I'd suggest she start per getting help, at least with understanding what she most likely can expect her body to do in sexual situations.

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Robin

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kennedysecret
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not sensation wise but they told her she would be able to be active.. Well sorry the she is "me" i have never shared this with anyone but yes im only able to feel clit stimulation but not sexual.. I do think i would like having sex i just want to enjoy it as much as my mate. i have spent many night crying about this situation because i wonder who to blame,and why me, and to be honest its hard not to cry right now as my eyes tear up but growing into a mature grownup i dont want to be rendered by something that not really by choice but esteem.

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Kennedy

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Robin Lee
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Hi Kennedysecret,


I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

When did this surgery happen?

I can very much understand how not feeling like you had any choice in this would make you feel so sad and helpless.

Am I understanding correctly that you've never been in a relationship, at least not one that is sexual?



I think you're saying that you feel sensations in your clit, but not in the area that was operated on.

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Robin

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kennedysecret
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Yes i have never been intimate but i have dialations and got a vibrator but it dont bring me stimulations or pleasure, i can feel in,that area tho,.. But i still get horny, and get turned on i just dont think i gets wet.. I think this has caused me to not want to become intimate because im afraid of all the different senarios i have played in my head.. But,i was born girl,raised girl,and never thought of as anything else very attractive,found this all out in 8th grade so its just hard.

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Kennedy

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Robin Lee
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Hi Kennedy,

I'm not at all surprised to hear that this all is really hard for you.

Sadly, surgery is often performed on children who have intersex conditions without consideration for how it will affect them later, and at a time when they're not able to consent to the surgery.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Do you think it would be helpful to you to be able to read about and talk to other people who have had similar experiences? If so, we'd be happy to help you find information and resources.

When it comes to sex with another person, genitals are just one part of sex. For some people, they're only a small part of their sexual interaction with someone else.


I think you might find it helpful to read these articles to see just how broad sex can be. This is not meant to minimize your experiences, and we can talk and problem-solve more of course, but I do think that starting to look at sex as something that's not just about genitals would be helpful. [Smile]

What's Sex?

With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body

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Robin

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kennedysecret
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Thank you so,much for your help, and,thet asked me what i wanted and they explained the surgery.. It gets complicated when my emotions cant wrap around this type of thing and when i knoe im a female from day 1 til now and to find out i have male dna is disturbing, even after developing breast and having a vagina opening its just a huge pill to swallow when people try to nake it seem as if its a minor thing when really its like two people in one!! I have never been called a boy never looked at as such in anyway but to have that inside you but not really makes you like a deer in the headlights and all the research i have done only seems scientific and the b bb floorplan of it i never

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Kennedy

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kennedysecret
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I have never seen a real normal life everyday person and to be honest i blame my mother i have a sister with the same condition but had no vaginal opening and she understands my pain but we are both lost because family try to sun up surgerys pains as child birth and think its ok to talk about with people but to be honest its a secret i will take to the grave if i have a choice

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Kennedy

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Heather
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It sounds like perhaps you could use some talking and reading about what gender is, including how what our gender is truly is what we feel it is and what we want it to be. For some people, indeed most people, what their gender is and feels like aligns with what sex they were assigned at birth.

But for others, and while not most, it's still many people, it doesn't. But what sex we were assigned at birth, what our hormones are like, what our genitals are like? That doesn't decide for us what our gender is: we get to decide that.

Have you read this here, by any chance: Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer?

Or this: Boys Will Be Boys...or Not? Straight Talk About Gender?

The person who wrote that second piece, btw, is a friend of mine, who I know would be willing to come here and have a chat with you if you'd like to talk to someone who has been in a similar spot and gets it, very personally.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kennedysecret
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Thank you, and thats the thing i feel like a girl, i act like a girl, i talk,walk,pee like a girl and always have and i just wish my genes would say the same thing.. This has kept me from having kids so now i have to say "i dont want kids" when i really would at some point to have the joy of pregnacy.. And i was advised to get help and talk to someone becsuse if the load of the information..but to hear someone mention,it outside of my mother, father, or sister causes me to become outraged because i feel as if i can see the judgment wheels turning.. This is the first time i have ever seeked other opinion and i started out hiding it..i love being a female after all that is what i grew up as and what the doctors put on my BC so its all i know and want but i think the problem for me is from within with all the "whys" and what ifs" but im coming out of my shell and planning on having sex soon. But i just would like to know more rather than well biologically"

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Kennedy

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Heather
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I'm really glad that you feel able to talk about this: obviously, not being able to has got to have felt pretty bad for you.

Can you explain to me what you mean by, "I just would like to know more rather than well biologically?"

I would say that feeling like a girl is one thing. But there really is no "talk, walk, pee like a girl." In other words, girls, like any group of people made up of billions of people, are all very different. All girls don't do all those things all the same ways. All girls also don't share all the same kinds of bodies or parts, nor the same kinds of chromosomes.

For example, a trans gender girl is a girl, and does whatever things she does "like a girl," just like a girl who was assigned female sex at birth does whatever SHE does "like a girl," should she also identify herself as a girl, and feel like a girl -- even if for those two people, they do whatever those things are very differently. Know what I mean?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kennedysecret
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Yes im just saying im a regular female, who has struggled with thos for awhile and would like to know more of a realistic view rather than doctors talk.

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Kennedy

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Heather
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My point is there isn't such a thing as a "regular female," or a "regular girl" or a "regular woman."

Rather, gender -- did you read those links yet? -- is something with an incredibly wide range of experiences and ways of being, even for just one gender, like "woman" or "girl."

That includes how we look, what our bodies are like, how we talk, how we walk, how we think, and even what "like a girl" means to us, which is not anything close to the same thing for everyone.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kennedysecret
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Yes i have read them and your right im using the wrong words i just dont know how to explain it im sorry

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Kennedy

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Heather
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It's okay, we're not in any hurry, and there's no "wrong" here, just me trying to understand what you're asking for and how we can help. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kennedysecret
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I was wondering about how to go about opening up to people how to find the skin im in fit for me to not be so guarded.and about sexual sensations because i dont think i can feel a great feeling,

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Kennedy

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Heather
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Sexual pleasure is as much -- and sometimes far more -- about how we feel in our heads and hearts as we go in our genitals or body parts.

Can you tell me why you feel like you can't feel 'a great feeling," or won't be able to? In other words, you have this concern because of.....?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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By the way, this conversation today reminded me of one of my favorite pieces of writing from a loved and respected friend, something I think might be good for you to read: http://www.hanneblank.com/blog/2011/06/23/real-women/

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kennedysecret
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Because when i dialate its like a choire and i use this website advice and became my own "first" i purchased a vibrator and it has no major sensation but it may just be that my mind is not in the place for it to happen but im going to read the article

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Kennedy

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Molias
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Hi Kennedy,

I know a few people who have to use vaginal dilators, and they don't tend to find that process arousing - you say it's "like a chore" and that's pretty much exactly how they think of it - but they do feel sexual arousal and sensation when having sex with partners or while masturbating. They usually aren't feeling aroused when they're dilating, which means it's not particularly fun. But sex when they *are* feeling aroused is enjoyable.

About your vibrator, I think it's going to be a similar situation, where if you aren't aroused to begin with when you use it, it may not feel great. It may also just take some time for you to get a sense of what does feel good, and when you're feeling aroused and ready to use it.

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kennedysecret
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Thats what i was wondering because its like a uuggh this again feeling but a certain touch or a certain feeling from,a person can be a turn on so it may just be that im expecting,too much for something i consider a choir.. I think that when im living day to day not much bother me but when i sit and think about certain things that has kept me from growing in every way that i want to and its not thst i was ever in a rush but i know my times and things that i want to do

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Kennedy

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Heather
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I think it's important to recognize that your dilators are a healthcare product, for treatment, and not likely to be any more sexually exciting than say, giving oneself insulin shots when you're diabetic is likely to be. Just because something has something to do with, or contact with, a body part that can be enjoyed sexually doesn't mean it will be.

Like Molias said, how excited we feel sexually isn't usually so much about if we're using a given sex toy or not, or touching a given body part: it's about how excited, and open to being excited in that way, we feel in our hearts and minds.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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kennedysecret
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You are so right and i think i just needed to open my mind and feel like i have opened up to someone and its not such a "end of the world" problem i have made it i thank you all very much and will continue to ask questions on my bumps in the road!! All the reads and responds have made me open my eyes to such broad words and such!! thanks guys

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Kennedy

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Heather
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You know, this IS challenging, tough stuff. So, I don't think anyone here thinks this is you making mountains out of molehills. [Smile]

But for sure, it's going to be a LOT easier to deal with, I think, if you do change some of the ways you're thinking about this, including about gender and sexuality. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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