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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Androgyne and Straight?

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Author Topic: Androgyne and Straight?
Terrapin
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Member # 108184

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Hi. I'm 22 years old, born male, and I've recently experienced a big transition in my life which led to an extensive exploration of myself. Specifically focusing on how I perceive, think, and feel in particularly negative situations i.e. not getting what I want (to put it simplistically). A couple of days ago, against better judgment, I decided to fulfill a long standing fantasy of mine and met a girl who was mtf. I discovered that when the time came to act on it all of my interest had faded, but she was nice and we talked about gender identity and sexual orientation, mostly from her perspective, but also from mine.

For the past couple of days I have been thinking a lot about the way I want to act and the kinds of people I want to be around in conjunction with some of the negative ways people have treated me all in the sense of what my gender is.

It's rather confusing-

When I feel most masculine I feel like working out, going on adventures, solving problems, being angry or aggressive, playing objective based video games, or all around thinking in a very logical sense.

What I don't feel like doing is being competitive, being too boastful or showing off, talking about cars/boats/trucks/people in a derogatory manner/sports (I find it hard to relate to these things).

When I feel feminine I feel like making art, expressing my feelings, I have more of an interest in my appearance for myself, I want to have deep long conversations, I want be around other people, I tend to think more about how things are affecting others and not just myself.

When I feel feminine I don't feel quite as anxious or sad (as of recently). I'm not sure what solely specific feminine traits I don't feel like or actions I don't take.

The main reasons I believe I might be androgyne and not simply male is that in my natural state, without any external or internal negativity I feel both.

Where it becomes more confusing for me is that I generally get along with either other males who, I see now, exhibit some feminine traits themselves and the majority of females though none who I might consider hetero normative through and through. Essentially none whose actions are strictly aligned with their born gender. Granted they too may feel different on varying levels and I'm not aware.

Their's one last major piece to this-

I'm primarily sexually attracted to females and I enjoy many things that a gay male would. This has been a source of discomfort for me since I was young. When reflecting on this I discovered that generally I'm attracted to females with broad jaws and dominate personalities along with wide hips and slim bodies. I think these attractions to female body types and an interest in exploring the kinds of sexual activities that are within the general populace reserved for gay males or people with kinks led to my seeking attention from a female who was mtf.

I want know what this boils down to-

(1) Am I androgyne?

(2) Though sexual orientation doesn't determine gender identity, does what you enjoy sexually play a part?

Their are other questions I have, but I want to keep focus within this topic.

Thanks for reading [Smile]

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I think personal definitions are simplifications to get what we want faster, not tools to expedite negative judgments.

Posts: 3 | From: Seattle, WA | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Terrapin and welcome to Scarleteen,

When it comes to gender, you're the only one who really can, or should be able, to define yourself. So,if it feels more correct and more comfortable to call yourself androgyne, you can do that.

If it feels more correct and more comfortable to call yourself a guy who doesn't fall into a lot of the stereotyped behaviours and categories society tends to put guys into, that's okay too.

If you don't want to define or name your gender identity right now, that's also okay.


This article talks a lot more about how mirky and fluid, and personal, gender identity really is.

Genderpalooza! A Sex & Gender Primer

Sexual orientation and gender identity really are two different things. Sure, they can be connected, but they truly don't have to be and aren't for a lot of people.

What someone enjoys sexually really also doesn't tell us anything about their gender, or about who they might be attracted to.

however, I do think that what one enjoys sexually can be a part of some people's gender identity. In other words, you telling me what you enjoy doesn't tell me anything about your gender. It doesn't really tell me anything about you at all. However, it might be intimately connected to your own identity/sense of self.

What do you feel would be different for you if you identified as androgyne, versus identifying as a man, or, as I mentioned above, identifying as nothing at all

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Terrapin
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Member # 108184

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I guess for me, identifying as androgyne explains a lot of my thoughts and feelings and some of my inconsistencies pertaining to negative situations where I feel frustrated about trying harder to be more masculine, but feel like I fail or simply don't want be masculine at that particular moment. It doesn't help that often when I feel like I'm not living up to male expectations people try to hurt me by pointing out how feminine I am or more specifically at work they call me Debbie when frustrated with me or happen to be frustrated when I mess up. The things is, I like the idea of being feminine, but the negative responses from people around me have made it difficult in the past to acknowledge. I think the reason I brought up my sexual preferences is because I'm not certain if maybe the blanket term genderqueer would make more sense even though it doesn't cover what I feel the true nature of my gender to be.

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I think personal definitions are simplifications to get what we want faster, not tools to expedite negative judgments.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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For sure, being taunted for the way you act or express yourself isn't cool, and I could certainly understand if you wanted to minimize that happening.

From what you're describing here, it sounds like the people at work might taunt you in this way regardless of how you act, since it seems to be more about what you do related to work and how they express their insults than with your "feminine" behaviours. What do you think? Do they use gender-related taunts with other people?


It sounds to me like you're trying to find a way to explain yourself to yourself, rather than a way to identify your identity to others. Am I hearing that correctly? If I'm misunderstanding that, please let me know.


Genderqueer still doesn't have a lot to do with sexual orientation or attraction, so i'm not quite sure what you mean by this. You by no means have to use any label or adopt any identity that doesn't feel right to you.

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Robin

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Terrapin
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Member # 108184

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They don't use gender specific insults with anyone else that I'm aware of. I've been told even that it is because of how emotional I am that they call me that.

As for explaining myself to myself. If gender identity is a choice based on how a person perceives, thinks, and feels and further an extension of how they are treated/want to be treated, wouldn't finding an explanation for myself be finding an identity to express to others?

I don't see how any one thing can be mutually exclusive when determining who I am as a person. I feel like I've always been feminine and masculine in some sense, but I don't want to confuse anyone intentionally if it isn't clear.

I feel like this wasn't what I was looking for when started looking for answers. If gender identities exist to make sense of things, but everything is optional, than ultimately it's all about the individual and no one else?

That also doesn't make sense to me.

I'm beginning to think that I can't be feminine if other's have doubts or that being male outwardly is preventative if I'm straight. That's a big deal for me. I feel conflicting views about myself and what I like for myself, but not about other people. I like most people, but am attracted to woman. I feel happier around woman. So does that mean I shouldn't be androgynous? Or does it mean I shouldn't say I'm straight?

The conflict is such that I'd almost prefer to do away with labels just to get away with not changing much of anything or embracing what I see to be there just for it to be easier.

I guess to simplify things for me, what defines being feminine for you?

Or can a straight male be feminine and enjoy every kind of sex available to him?

This sounds like I'm looking for permission, but really I want to know what any of it means from someone else's perspective. I don't want to be wrong about myself and I don't want anyone else to get the wrong idea.

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I think personal definitions are simplifications to get what we want faster, not tools to expedite negative judgments.

Posts: 3 | From: Seattle, WA | Registered: Aug 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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