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Boxerlover
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so...um....I'm getting this feeling more and more that I should tell my parents
usually I just feel like running away would be the best answer
but...I realize that that's probably not going to happen....but...I have no idea how to do it?
I honestly don't think I can get those words out of my mouth, I barely talk as is.
I think one of my biggest concerns is suddenly I'm a big deal, and a point of attention
once they know they know
and even if they don't say anything they will think things....even if they aren't judging me I will feel like they are....I don't know if I could live like that.
and what if they disown me...or kick me out or something?
(sigh)
sorry to be a bother

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Robin Lee
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Hi Boxerlover,

It sounds like you're really struggling right now.

I think, from looking at your previous posts, that you're wanting to tell your parents that you're exploring your gender. Is that what you're talking about here, or is there something else you're wanting to tell them?

what is your relationship with your parents like? Have you shared important or personal things with them before? If so, how did that go?

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Robin

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nixieGurl
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Hi Boxerlover,

I just wanted to add here that I understand the fear of being judged by parents and of being disowned, and I understand not wanting to be in the spotlight also. I have found that their reactions to me and who I am as a person does not actually matter in the long term (even though yes it might hurt for a while), as you feeling comfortable in your own skin everyday is far more important than someones opinion of you. It might be tough for a while if they do react in a way that you don't like, however you might also be surprised as sometimes they know a whole lot more than we realize they do already!

But really? Who you are is who you are, and being true to yourself in the long run is the most important thing, whether or not other people like it.

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Boxerlover
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I'm not really sure if I can reply to individuals or not
But...I'm just gonna do it here
My best friend and I have been talking about this
She has helped alot and our plan right now is
Today I will text only my mother, tell her how I feel and then shut off my phone lock myself upstairs and give her time to think about it

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Robin Lee
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Wishing you all the best with this! If you want to you can let us know how it goes.

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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So...um...I decided to email her
Because I got too scared she might try and text me back
And then I spent the rest of the day scared in my room
She came home and acts like nothing happened
But she kinda also acted like she wanted to talk to me
I have no idea if she saw it or not
....I guess I'll know tomorrow

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Boxerlover
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SHE SAW!
"Donr know if your phone is on but, I just wanted to say that what you sent me today was INCREDIBLY brave and to say the I love you! No MATTER WHAT! "

I'm freaking out
I guess it's good but.....oh god...deep breathes

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Molias
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Hi Boxerlover,

That's a pretty positive response to get! I realize that sharing anything this huge and personal with someone, especially a parent, might feel really overwhelming right now, but I'm glad your mom was so supportive. =)

Thanks for the update. And keep breathing!

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WesLuck
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I wish you all the best! It feels so reassuring when we tell somebody something that we dreaded to tell them, and they take it positively, and even give us a compliment. [Smile]

[ 04-30-2013, 08:00 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

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Boxerlover
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I...don't really know what to do
This is so weird
I keep trying to avoid her, I don't want to look at her
I think she is getting mad
I want to like....start making progress
But...I feel weird talking about this
I have been her "son" for so long
..... I don't know :/

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Robin Lee
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What are you afraid will happen if you stop avoiding her and start talking to her?

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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I don't know
It's just awkward

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Robin Lee
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Nodding. I can understand how it would feel awkward.

I guess I'm just wondering if you expect something bad to happen.

You know, it isn't going to get any less awkward the longer you avoid her, and will probably feel more awkward if anything. Know what I mean?

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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....I guess so
*weak smile*

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Robin Lee
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Yeah, I know. It's not easy! *gentle smile*

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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Ok,um....so
I'm not really sure where to go from here
We haven't really talked yet...I've been avoiding her
But...what is kinda like the next step?

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Molias
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If you mean the next step in terms of pursuing medical transition, it may depend on where you're located. In the US the first step is generally to talk to a therapist; if you want help finding a trans-friendly therapist or doctor in your area, we could help you with that.

Before that, though, I think you're going to have to talk to your mom, even though it's scary. It sounds like her response to your email was pretty positive, though, so that's an encouraging sign.

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Boxerlover
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I don't know how I'm gonna do that :/
I don't really want to say anything
I guess I'll have to come out for dinner soon
Although I don't really want to talk right now
Tips?

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Molias
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It's ok if you need more time to get ready to talk to your mom. What if when you came out of your room you told her that you aren't ready? Maybe you can say something like "mom, I know I wrote you that email, but I'm not ready to talk about this in person yet."
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Boxerlover
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(Sigh)....I'd just rather not say anything :/

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Molias
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That's definitely your right; if you don't want to address this at all right now, you don't have to.
But my guess is that since your mom got that email from you, she may want to talk to you; if you aren't ready, it may be best to say something before she brings it up. But again, how you handle this is up to you.

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Karybu
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That's not really something that's going to be workable forever, though. What about sending her another email, along the lines of what Molias suggested? Just letting her know that you appreciate her support but you're not quite ready to talk about it in person yet, and you'll let her know when you are. How does that sound?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Boxerlover
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:/
I've been hiding/sleeping in my room all day
I had to come out for dinner, my mom hands me it and says
"You know you are going to have to talk to me sometime"
She sounded kinda mad

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Robin Lee
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So, it sounds like she wants to talk to you. She might be mad, but she might also be worried and frustrated that she got an email from you and now can't talk to you about it.

I know you're scared, and I understand this truly is scary. It also sounds, though, like your Mom is trying to reach out to you.

what is making you hide in your room? That is, what is the worst thing that you think could happen if you talk to your Mom?

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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I just don't want to face her
....Answer questions and stuff

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Robin Lee
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I imagine it seems like a lot of work and a lot of vulnerability to talk about something that you're still figuring out yourself.

Are you afraid she'll ask you something specific that you don't want to answer, or do you just not want to answer questions at all?

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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I don't know
Mostly the last one

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Robin Lee
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well, maybe, when you're ready to talk to her, if she starts to ask questions you can let her know that you're still figuring all this out for yourself, too, so you really don't have a lot of answers.

I know this is really tough, but it sounds to me like delaying this is going to build up more tension between you and your Mom. so, while it feels scary and hard to talk to her now, it's only going to feel scarier and harder as time goes by.

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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Maybe ill just send her another email tomorrow

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Robin Lee
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Do you feel like it would be more comfortable for the two of you to correspond about this by email? If so, then you can tell her that in your email and see how she responds.

I just wanted to let you know that i'm headed out for the day and will be taking a day off tomorrow. However, Heather should be around, as well as some of the volunteers.

Would it help to talk about what you'd like to talk to your Mom about? IN other words, what do you want her to know? Maybe you can give that some thought for a bit.
Hang in there!

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Robin

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Boxerlover
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....ok....we are texting now :/
"how long have you felt this way"
"awhile"
"forever...weeks....months?"
"I don't know"
"a long time, or recently"
"both?...I don;t know"
"have you talked to anyone else"
"kinda"
"kinda who?"
"internet people"
"what internet people...how did you find them?"
"like....proffesionals...health class"
"so tell me why you think you are"
"what?"
"what have you told the proffessionals"
*silence*
"hello?"
*silence*
"have you tried to hurt yourself?"
"what?"
"why do you keep saying what?...have you tried cutting yourself or considered suicide?"

I haven't said anything since then

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Heather
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How about you answer those last questions?

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Boxerlover
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....(sigh)
I don't know what to say
I don't want to say anything
This whole thing is making me feel awkward and weird and uncomfortable

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Heather
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I can understand that, but what I'm hearing is that you have a parent who cares about you, and wants to know what's going on. That's very lucky for you, and also sounds like what you really need right now.

So, I'd advise to push through the discomfort you're feeling and take advantage of that caring parent. Not everyone has access to that kind of help, and it's great for you that you do when you obviously need it.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Boxerlover
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(Sigh)...every since I told her I feel worse then before
Maybe it's because I just woke up from a nap and can't think straight
But...I feel awful
I feel stuck
I feel like both at the same time
I feel so guy-ish
(Sigh)

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