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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » It's not fair!

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Author Topic: It's not fair!
AceofSpades42
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It's not fair, I want to be a girl, I never got to choose! I hate being a boy. Only my girlfriend and two best friends know. Sometimes I wear dresses, but I always have to put on my boxers and button up shirts on soon after. I couldn't tell you how many nights I've fallen asleep crying and thinking about what my life could have been like if I were a girl. What should I do to feel better? Please help me...
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IceResurfacer
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I can't offer advice but I do want you to know I've been having similar feelings. I've been crying most of today, mainly stressed about society being so constrictive of social rules on something that wasn't a choice (assigned sex), and because my parent said I shouldn't be as sad as I have been about it. (invalidating someone's sadness doesn't help much... I think... it hasn't helped me...) Many hugs to you.

How have your girlfriend and friends been to you, support-wise?
What are your thoughts of transitioning?

[ 04-28-2013, 01:16 AM: Message edited by: IceResurfacer ]

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oneboikyle
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AceofSpades, I am so sorry to hear you're having a tough time. Feeling as though you were born into the wrong sex really sucks, and IceResurfacer is right that society doesn't help. If it helps, you're really not alone in this; although I'm kinda going the other way and I've been very lucky in not being overly dysphoric or anything, I also went through a lot of struggling not that long ago.

You mentioned, specifically, wearing a dress. Does that make you feel better? If it does, is there any way you can incorporate more dresses into your daily outfits? You don't say whether you still live with your parents or not, but if you do, is it worth asking if they mind you wearing dresses around the house? Another option, if it is feminine clothing you want to adopt and wearing dresses is out of the option, would possibly be to buy "girl's" jeans and tops? Or, if you need to wear a suit for something, how about women's trousers and blazer, instead of a men's suit. I mean, it might not be much use to you personally, but it might make you feel better. I know buying men's clothes instead made me feel better, but it's just an idea.

I don't know how long you've been thinking about this, and how much research you've done into it, but a link that Molias gave me that was kinda useful to make me feel less alone with it was Genderfork. I personally found some of the trans* articles on Autostraddle interesting too, but I couldn't point you to any specifically.

Like IceResurfacer asked, what is your support system like at the moment? Is it something you want to consider expanding, perhaps talking to a parent or family friend about how you feel? I know that isn't an option for everyone, depending on what your family dynamics are like, but I thought I'd throw it out there anyway.

I really hope things get better for you!

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AceofSpades42
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Thanks for the hugs, friend. My girlfriend has been extremely suportive, she always comforts me when she can. Unfortunately her parents think I'm too messed up for her and don't let her talk to me very much. My friends don't really talk about it much.
I could probably talk to my parents about it, but I'm nervous, it might be risky. They might get angry at me. Maybe.
Yes, I always feel really happy when I wear dresses. It makes me feel like I'm me. Thank you for trying to help me, I really appreciate it!

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AceofSpades42
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How do you think I could bring up a topic like this to my parents? They're fairly liberal, I'm still not sure how they would take it. They're divorced so I would have to pick which one to tell, who would probably the tell the other. What do I say to them?
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Molias
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Hi AceofSpades,

Some folks like to start this kind of conversation not in person, but in a letter or an email - if you did that, you could time it so both of your parents get it at the same time, perhaps. Also, I don't know what kind of relationship your parents have with each other, or how close they live to each other, but if you want to have this conversation in person, maybe you could ask them to be in one place so you can talk to both of them about something important and go from there?
If none of those things sound quite right, you could ask whoever you tell first "I really want this to be my news to share, can you please not talk to [other parent] about this until I let you know I've already had this same conversation with them?"

Is there another adult in your life who you trust or would feel comfortable talking about any of this with? A friend's parent or a teacher or counselor at school? Sometimes it can be easier to talk to another adult first before you go over this with your parents.

In terms of exactly what to say to your parents, do you have a sense of what's most important for them to know about you, right now? What change you'd like to see happen? You could talk to them about how you're feeling in terms of your identity and how upset you are feeling, or about how happy you feel wearing a dress, or questions you might have (if you have any) about talking to health professionals about medical transition.

I think PFLAG's list of trans resources for family members is a decent jumping-off point, if you feel like it would be helpful to give your parents some context about trans issues, and if you want more I could definitely come up with others. There are some location-based groups that are targeted towards either trans youth or parents of trans youth; if you want us to look and see if there's one near you, we could look that up with your town or postal code.

Do you want to talk at all about what you might want to say to your parents? It may also be helpful to do some journaling or writing, where you can ask yourself what you really want right now and see if any of what you write impacts what you might want to say to your parents.

[ 04-30-2013, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: Molias ]

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oneboikyle
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AceofSpades, I definitely agree with everything that Molias has said. I'll admit that I'm a lot more brash and just blundered in head first with telling my parents I was maybe actually their son (and I did have experience from when I came out as a lesbian anyways - heh, that seems amusing now), but I've heard of a few people who try "testing the waters" first. Like, seeing how their parents/friends/SO reacts to the idea of drag king/queens, then seeing how they react to, say, a documentary on TV about transfolk. Then, maybe, dressing up as "a bit of a joke" (like, in the case of MTF, maybe dressing in a nurse's dress for a party), and only after a few months of that coming out to them. It's just one approach I've heard of. I don't have much of an opinion on that, but maybe someone else can suggest if that's a not so great idea?

Definitely, like Molias said, some people feel better writing it all down in a letter or whatever, and that does definitely have its advantages too. Everyone, in that case, has time to consider their views in private, and there is sometimes a bit less chance of accidentally hurting someone. Snap reactions can sometimes not be what we truly mean, and if it's "out of nowhere" for someone, they might have a negative initial reaction, and using a letter format gives them time to process this and hopefully realise it's actually okay. Plus, it means you can say everything you wanted to say, in the order you wanted to, without questions or nerves getting in the way.

However you choose, your comfort is the most important thing. Even if it is awkward and difficult, do what you think will make you feel safest and as happy as you can be. If that means telling both your parents together, neither of them for now, starting with a trial run adult, getting the parent you feel most comfortable with to talk to the other, or telling both one after the other yourself, that's absolutely okay. There's only as much rush as you feel you want to have [Smile]

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AceofSpades42
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Thank you for helping, first of all. I'm horrible at writing, so I think I'll want to tell them in person. Asking them not to talk to each other about it until I've told both of them is a good idea. I don't really have close relations with any other adults, and I'm not patient enough for the trial run (good idea though!), so I'll tell them whenever I think it's a good time. If you'll help me figure out what ill actually say, I'd love to hear any suggestions you have.
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oneboikyle
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What do you want to tell them? Ever since I botched up the first coming out to my parents, I've made sure, when I come out to other people, that I have an idea of what I want to achieve from it. I don't know if this is something you're interested in doing, but I have a think about what I want to change, behaviour wise, and then go from there. Like, if I want people to start using my chosen name and he/his, I go into the conversation with that in mind. If you want your parents to consider getting you more girl clothes, you might be able to have that as the core of the conversation. Or, if you just want them to be supportive and understand where you're coming from, that's something you could focus on. I don't know what would be most important to you, but I found that having something action based gives people a sense of being able to do something, which might make it easier to adjust to the news.

However you do it, there's a high chance your parents will have quite a few questions, and you don't "need" to answer those, but you might want to sort of prepare for them. They might ask you about pronouns, or whether you're interested in having any medical treatment, or if you're sure about this. From my experience, I've found it's quite common to be asked how long you've known, and how you know. If you're not sure about anything they ask you, for example, if you're not sure if you want medical intervention in the future, it's perfectly fine to say you don't know yet! Something along the lines of "Actually, I've not thought enough about that yet. I might do, but I might decide I don't need it. Right now, I'd just like [whatever you want from them]"

Again, this is only my opinion, but maybe having some sorts of resources you can point them to would be useful. There's loads of stuff on the internet, which can explain things to them a little, and maybe offering to email them some links might help build a bridge to understand each other. You're in the best position to know if your parents are going to appreciate that, but I just thought I'd suggest it.

Overall, the best thing to do, in my opinion, is do something to help you get your own thoughts in order. It's much easier to talk to other people if you have a clearer idea in your own head.

Hope everything goes well, let us know! Good luck!

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Molias
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I absolutely agree with Kyle that it's nice to get your thoughts in order before you do it. Coming out can be such an emotional or stressful conversation, and it can be helpful to come at it with at least a vague plan.

I think there are two aspects that are good to cover here: one is explaining how you feel about your gender, in as much or at little detail as you feel sharing with your parents, and the other is what they can do to support you, whether that's calling you by a name you choose, helping you access medical care you need, or anything else.

Your parents may have a lot of questions, but it's ok to say something like "I can answer some questions later but right now I just wanted to tell you what I'm feeling" and give everyone a chance to sit with their thoughts a while. It's also ok to be unsure of your answers to things they might ask!

[ 05-03-2013, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

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AceofSpades42
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So I thought about everything you said, and I know most of what I want to say. Now I'm trying to talk to my mom about it, but every time I try, I get too scared. We were talking about what I would wear to the school dance, today, and I suggested a dress. She seemed agitated by this, but she didn't say no, so I guess that's a good sign.
I'm scared that if I come out to her she'll either pity me, be disgusted by me, or (what I'm the most afraid of) her not taking me seriously.
I've been reading a lot of other posts on the message boards, and I keep seeing people saying that they're going to tell their parents that they're actually their son/daughter. I don't feel that I'm actually a girl. I just feel that with all my heart I want to be. Is this normal? Am I still transgender?

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Heather
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I think it might help to think about what "actually a girl" even means.

In other words, gender is a social construct: it's largely a set of ideas and feelings. Ideas and feelings that aren't at all universal.

So, the way I see it, being "actually a girl," is kind of like being "actually someone who believes in god," or someone who is "actually talented."

These things are all pretty arbitrary and mushy. Do you know what I mean?

I'd also add that some people have the idea, with gender, that it's about something someone just is. others feel it's about a process of becoming. And I think these are largely opinions, or reflections of people's unique experiences, not that either is right or wrong.

[ 05-07-2013, 03:55 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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