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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » ...help?

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Author Topic: ...help?
Boxerlover
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Um…..where do I start?
I guess I have always been a somewhat girly boy…..I did have three sisters though.
When I was younger I had thoughts and played with the idea of being a girl…like just for a day…and I was ok with it.
I went through a jerk phase though in the beginning of highschool. I was still kinda quiet and shy most of the time in public and in school…so sadly my family got the blunt of it….I guess I was trying to be manly. I don’t know if I was trying to overcompensate or something…and it’s my biggest fear that people still think I’m a jerk.
This same kinda thoughts came into my head again recently.(along with gay thoughts) I’d see a girl in a situation and somewhat wish I was in their position.
I also recently discovered that I’m gay…I guess
I have a boyfriend and like being “the girl” in the relationship. Hardly anyone knows though….not even my family. And recently my sister told me her friend (who is a junior) wants me to take her to senior prom (probably because she broke up with her senior boyfriend)but…it bugged me to my core…why me? Was it because I’m just her friends brother? Do they still view me as some straight wannabe tough guy?....it bothered me so bad.
I have also been talking to one of my more understanding friends, and he is always joking and calling me a “she” or “milady” or “cute”….he has suggested I come over so he can style my hair….and try on girly clothes…etc…and I like it and the idea….
I got bored one day and remembered hearing something about estrogen pills…I decided to look it up….and liked playing with the idea, even though it seems it can have some bad consequences…..does would that make me a Transgender?
I asked someone on an online forum what the difference between a “trap” and a transgender is, he said a trap knows he is a boy but likes girly things, to act like, and dress like one. While a transgender thinks they are one in the wrong body.
I have no idea how I feel….I probably sound so stupid
I’m scared and confused….I couldn’t sleep at all last night, I see those big, masculine dragqueens on TV and I don’t want to be like that…and what if this freaks out my boyfriend, will I lose him too?
…help?

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>insert signature here (I'm so clever ^^)

Posts: 63 | From: New England | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Hi Boxerlover,

This doesn't sound stupid at all - it sounds like you're sorting through a lot of things right now in terms of your identity. This stuff can take a lot of time and thought to work out, so while I know it can be confusing and scary it's definitely a normal part of the process of understanding how you identify.

When you think about being a girl, what does that mean to you? Is it related to your presentation or appearance, like having a certain hairstyle or clothes? Is it being able to to stereotypically feminine things without being criticized for it? Is it about being in a relationship with a man as a woman, and not as another man? There's definitely not one defining transgender experience and not one way to know that you're trans. Every trans person has a different and very personal understanding of their gender and of their identity. So if you're seeing representations of trans* or gender-variant identities that aren't appealing to you, realize that there's a huge range of experiences and most of what is visible on tv is a tiny tiny percentage of the possibilities, and often is not very respectful to the people being shown.
If experimenting with clothes and hair with your friend sounds fun to you, why not try it? It sounds like a supportive environment in which to try some of this out.

In terms of one of your sister's friends wanting to go to prom with you, I know a lot of people just like to have a friendly person to take as a date without it being a dating-relationship sort of thing. She may just know you well enough to think it would be fun to spend time with you in fancy outfits for the evening! If she asks you, you don't have to say yes, and even if your sister's dropping hints you shouldn't feel obligated to ask her. But there's no way to know why she might want to go with you without you asking her, and I wouldn't worry about how that reflects on her perception of your gender.

It might be helpful to see if there's a queer center in your area that has support/discussion groups for trans or questioning people. If you need help finding something like that, we can probably help you find resources. You may find that talking this over with other people who are questioning their identity makes things a little clearer.

[Also, as a side note: I know a lot of people, especially trans women (against whom it is often used as a slur) find the term "trap" to be very offensive, so I would be careful about using that language. I also think you're going to find that people's definitions of trans-related terms vary widely so it's hard to find any one definition that everyone will be happy with.]

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Boxerlover
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to Molias (because I have no idea how to reply)

I guess....I still feel freaky when thinking about this

I guess I do like my hair of more of the long type....not really like short hair, maybe because I was forced to get a buzzcut when I was little.
stereotypical things, yeah
and in ways I guess I have been trying to my my outfits more feminine without you know...like wearing obviously girly clothes....atleast..I think they aren't obvious
the whole relationship thing...I honestly don't know

oh...sorry...I knew I would get in trouble for that...that's just the word they were using and I didn't know how to put it another way so I used "" to hopefully make it seem less offensive/sexual
...isn't queer offensive though...and what's a queer center?

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>insert signature here (I'm so clever ^^)

Posts: 63 | From: New England | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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It's ok to be a little uncertain about how you feel about all this. It might help to do some journaling about how you're feeling, or things you might be interested in exploring. Genderfork is a site that mostly focuses on genderqueer folks but there's a wide range of gender expression there and the community surrounding it is great; this might be a good place for you to look at. They have a lot of resources linked as well.

And don't worry, I wasn't trying to get you in trouble or calling you out on your language, just letting you know. [Wink]
"Queer" has definitely been used as a slur and still is, by some people, but I think (as with a lot of language for minority populations) that if people who self-identify as being a part of that group use a term for themselves, it's a lot less likely to be problematic/offensive than if someone does. So if my grandmother, who is straight and pretty unfriendly to the world apart from straight, cisgendered people, called me "queer" she might be thinking of it as an insult. If I'm using that word for myself or among my (also queer-identified) friends, I'm reclaiming something hurtful.

By a "queer center" I mean a community center (often called a "Gay & Lesbian" or "LGBT" center) that offers various types of support programs for gay/lesbian/queer/bisexual/transgender people. Places like that might have support groups, job training, free HIV testing or drop-in health clinics, visiting speakers, counseling services, social events... all sorts of things. A lot of these centers also have websites with a lot of helpful information on them, and will often be able to connect users with other groups and resources specific to their area.
If you want to give your location (a city name or postal code) I could see if there's one in your area, if that sounds like something you'd be interested in.

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Boxerlover
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*phew*
Gosh...I keep getting so nervous when I see someone has replied on my email.

Um....genderqueer?

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>insert signature here (I'm so clever ^^)

Posts: 63 | From: New England | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Sorry I keep throwing all these new terms at you! I apologize.
Genderqueer is an umbrella term that some folks who don't feel strongly identified as a man or a woman use. I do think it's the sort of word where if you asked five genderqueer-identified people what the word means, you might get five slightly-different meanings - it's definitely a term that covers a lot of ground. Some genderqueer people also identify as transgender, some don't.

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Boxerlover
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It's fine
Alright, thank you [Smile]

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>insert signature here (I'm so clever ^^)

Posts: 63 | From: New England | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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