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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Wondering if anyone else experiences this kind of self doubt

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Author Topic: Wondering if anyone else experiences this kind of self doubt
lm7805c
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I recently started identifying myself as a woman, but I keep fighting with myself because I think I can't be because I'm not "transgender enough" or something like that. I was terrified of talking to a counselor because I thought they would take one look at me, shake their head and tell me I was just being silly.

Even though almost all my mental imagery of myself is as a female and I have wanted to be a woman for a long time now, there is still this nagging thought that I am missing some key indicator that would seal it without a doubt.

On top of that, I keep doubting myself because of how surreal it feels at times. The idea that I could actually change and be seen and treated as a normal woman still seems completely impossible to me, but here I am entering counseling and researching hormone treatment options.

As a final thing, I would never ascribe this thought to anyone else, but I am still having trouble processing how I can be transgender, so I keep thinking I am broken somehow, or that I should feel broken.

I identify myself as female and want to be female, but I don't know why that is, so my default reaction is that something is wrong with me and that I should fix it instead of accepting my feelings as natural, just different.

Was just hoping to get the community's thoughts, see if anyone else has/does feel like me.

Posts: 4 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Sadly, in my experience I've found that it is very common for trans people to doubt themselves and worry that they're not "trans enough" to deserve respect or to pursue whatever sort of social or medical transition they want.

I think it's complicated by the fact that the medical gatekeepers who control access to hormonal therapy, mental health services, surgeries, etc. often aren't educated about trans issues or adhere to outdated (and in my mind, blatantly offensive) guidelines and requirements. Some of those people really will tell trans people that they aren't trans enough, or don't have the "right" kind of trans identity to receive treatment, and that's inexcusable.
PLUS there's a lot of casual transphobia just floating around every corner, and I think it's very hard as a trans person of any kind to hear insults and "jokes" for years and not internalize some of that. I want to be very clear that being trans doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you! But at the same time I can understand that it's often hard not to think that, because a lot of small-minded people DO think that and can be very loud about it.

If it helps to hear this from another trans person, I struggled with this sort of feeling a LOT. I have a lot of friends who have as well. And I think it's really important to tell you (and was very important for me to learn and really internalize and believe) that there is NO one way, or right way, or best way, to have a trans identity. You say "I identify myself as female and want to be female" and that's really all you need.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lm7805c
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Thank you very much, it does help a lot to hear it from someone else. Hopefully I'll be as confident as you seem to be soon, but the pessimist in me says it might be a while [Smile] .
Posts: 4 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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You know, I have historically not been a very confident person AT ALL, but having my gender presentation finally be something I'm pretty happy with has helped immensely.

Honestly, what makes me word things so strongly here is that I am so tired of people I love and care about being beaten down by the disrespect of others. Even though I hate being angry I just get so mad when I hear trans folks be so down on themselves, because I've been there and I know there are so many horrible messages out there about trans and other gender-variant people - and sometimes those messages come from other trans people which can hurt the most.

It's all right if it takes you a while. And if there's anything specific you want to talk about that's great and we'll be here, but I at least want to offer support and say that wherever you are in figuring things out and accepting yourself is ok.

Posts: 1352 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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