So, I've always identitfied myself as a girl my whole life, but yet I've always had the opposition to dresses and skirts and fancy clothes, yet I shrugged that off as "tomboy"-ish stuff. When I started to shave, I didn't even know where to shave, haha. I tried to shave my arm but that clearly failed, and I also shaved the small hairs that, on men, would be a moustache. It wasn't visible to others, but when I looked in the mirror I was like, "Ewwww I have a moustache.." Then, my mom told me now the hairs would just get darker. So now, whenever I'm really close to someone they notice it. I hate that, lol, but ANYWAY. In about 5th grade, I started to write a novel about the Jonas Brothers, because I was like, obsessed with them. Then, later on in the middle of my 5th grade year, I changed it because the Jonas Brothers were losing my interest. So I changed all the character's names and personalities. There was one character I really liked, though, and that was Joe Allen. (SO CREATIVE AT NAMING RIIIGHT?) Anyway, towards the end of 5th grade, I made this Facebook account. For some reason, I acted like Joe, the character. I liked it way more than being just Kathryn, le boring old me. I talked to people, and, made friends as Joe Allen, a 17 year old guy. In 6th grade, I told my friends the account was my cousin's, that I had this cousin named Joe. In 7th grade up until the middle of the year I said the same, until people found out Joe really isn't my cousin. In the summer from 6th to 7th, this guy started crushing on Joe. I didn't really feel comfortable with the whole gay idea, as my parents and church said it was wrong. But as I spent more time on the internet, I began to accept the idea more, and all of a sudden Joe was dating someone. Then another guy, and another guy. It stopped at three. Why? Because I wanted to wonder what it'd be like if Joe had a girlfriend. I had even had sexual fantasies of sex between Joe and his boyfriend or girlfriend, me being Joe every time. So in the middle of my 7th grade year, I started saying Joe was my multiple personality. However, people knew that was bullshit and so did I. People thought I was just lying, while I was just in confusion. I knew Joe wasn't a multiple personality because I could "switch" to him whenever I wanted. Then I started realizing that in order to keep up the whole multiple personality thing, "Kathryn" would have to act more girly to not seem so much like Joe. So that's what I did. Now it's 8th grade. I realized I was bisexual this year because of my first girl crush and thinking on what I would do if she were my girlfriend. And I've always liked guys, so yeah, bisexual. But for some strange reason I hate my vagina and breasts. Not because they look weird, but I can't imagine somebody else touching them no matter how comfortable I felt around that person. I used to not like vagina at all, but after a few thoughts and fantasies I realized that I did. Not just my own. And every time I have a sexual fantasy, I'm a guy. Either a guy having sex with other guys or a guy having sex with girls. Also, I have a girlfriend, through a website where I identified myself as Joe. When we had been dating for about 4 months, I decided to tell her the "truth", which I explained as I was a guy stuck in a girl's body. And she totally was cool with it. Anyway, that's how I've been feeling. A guy stuck in a girl's body. I'm not annoyed by pronouns, because I live in Georgia, and well, people in Georgia where I live are pretty hardcore conservative. So, I have to dress in girl's clothes and do my hair and all that, because I'll never be accepted where I am. However, since it's winter, I haven't shaved any of my body hair in like, forever. And I'm going to hate it when it's spring and I just have to shave it all off. Anyway, thanks for reading all this.. I swear I'm so easily distracted.. but anyway, if anyone could help me with this confusion...? (Also, I'm okayyy with being a girl, it's just that I'd much much rather be a guy..? Does that make me genderqueer or what?)
This is a really multi-faceted issue and it'd be helpful to hear more about what specifically confusing you... i.e. which decisions are the ones you're struggling with?
Aside from that I do have a few thoughts which might help:
Gender Identity is just how you identify, it can be a constant or it can be relative to which community you're relating to at the time, whether it's an online space or school or your town, you might identify yourself to them differently. From what your saying, right now you're identifying in different ways in different places. Confusion can come from trying to tie these different parts together, but in actuality gender identity doesn't need to be so all-ecompassing.
If you didn't feel the pressure to actually decide whether you had to be a boy, or a girl, or even to identify as gender queer... do you think there would be other things bothering you?
I at least can see that at some points Joe is a character and a form of expression that represents just part of your creative process, and at other times you really are identifying completely as Joe. I don't know if you're feeling that way, but if so and you've not fully realised it, that might be a useful fact to use to explain things.
Explaining to people, like your girlfriend, who you want to share these things with what's actually going on (which you sound like you've been doing) is probably a much bigger part of helping them understand than just giving them one word accross the board to describe yourself which doesn't even feel right to you at the momen.
Also, by the way, you're actually something of a pioneer when it comes to this stuff. Multiple online identities, or characters we might be less or more identifying with are a phenomenon that is relatively new! I can totally understand that as this becomes a big part of your gender that it would be hard to find words for it!
Finally we are perfectly capable of not wanting to shave, or not wanting sexual contact, without having to conceed that those things dictate our identity, we still get to choose, and contradicting the social norms about those aspects is something I'd totally support if it feels best!
That's just a collection of thoughts, but I some of it can help as much of it seemed to ring true while reading your question!
I hope you're well!
[ 12-24-2012, 10:26 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]
Posts: 594 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011
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The main thing I find myself confused about is what my gender identity is. So no, I don't think there would be any other problems besides that, other than the deal of not being accepted. The other thing is that I can't really imagine having sex with anybody with my female body. Also, Joe the character is actually quite different, as I've just become accustomed with the name and the masculinity of Joe, not really his characteristics. The pressure and confusion, in conclusion, mainly comes from what I should identify myself as.
-------------------- Ve~ Posts: 3 | From: Georgia, USA | Registered: Dec 2012
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In my opinion identifying isn't really a matter of 'should'! But more a matter of when, where and how.
For example, for me, identifying is something I do. I identify as a man not becomes it's how I feel inside but because I'm not really motivated to challenge the pronouns people use for me, and also because it's an important part of who I think i am politically, I experience a degree of male privilege... and I have a lot of conversations describing how that feels etc.
Maybe thinking about what you'd like to get from a gender identity description that you can use more broadly could help decide what to use?
Posts: 594 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011
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