Hey, so I'm FTM which makes it difficult to find partners. When I do manage and things start turning sexual, I say things like "I want to keep my top on" or "I don't want you to call my parts a pussy" and I have yet to find any of my dates, male or female, respectful of that. They always go against my wishes. How could I make them understand how important it is to me that my boundaries have to be respected without losing them? Am I making too big a deal out of it?
Posts: 1 | From: NY | Registered: Jun 2012
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Hi Liaml, welcome to Scarleteen! Setting boundaries and expecting them to be respected is absolutely not making "too big a deal" out of it. Boundaries are a necessary and important part of our lives, including in our sexuality. You deserve to have your wants and needs respected, and the fact that all the partners you have had have disrespected your boundaries is entirely about them being bad partners and not about you making a fuss about things. Okay?
I don't know if there is a way to "make" people understand how important boundaries are -- not just your boundaries, but ANYBODY's boundaries need to be respected. If it's not something they know by now, I don't know that it's something anybody else can "make" them understand. Anyone who doesn't view other people's boundaries as important or valid or deserving of respect shouldn't be having sex with anyone. I think that someone who disrespects your boundaries like that is just not going to be a good partner for you, or anyone for that matter.
So I'm afraid that I think that looking to make your partners respect your boundaries is going to be fruitless. I think you should instead find partners who view you with total respect and who listen and take your boundaries into account. There are definitely people out there who will not cross your boundaries, and you will be able to have a much more fulfilling, safe, and respectful sexual relationship with them. Because you deserve that
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008
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Hi Liaml, I agree with Onionpie that sometimes there is just no way to "make" someone understand or respect you. I do not think you are making a big deal out of this at all. Most people would agree that, for example, calling a cisgender woman's genitals a penis, when she has said she prefers it to be called a pussy, is extremely disrespectful. Just because you are FTM doesn't mean you don't deserve the same kind of respect for your body and your boundaries.
Posts: 143 | From: USA | Registered: Aug 2009
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Hey Liaml! I know this is late, but I just wanted to let you know that there is hope. I have a friend who is FTM and now he's a legal male and he has a girlfriend, too. This isn't the first girlfriend he's had either, and they make the most adorable couple.
I wish you all the best in finding partners who respect you and your body! I think they're definitely out there somewhere.
Just a thought too. I always think, if I were straight, I wouldn't have to deal (in the same way) with homophobic aholes and partnership, but then I think, well even if I were straight I wouldn't want to date someone like that. The nice thing about being "different" is it works sort of like an automatic bigot filter. Its not great to have to deal with these people, and I'm not glad that there is such phobia and prejudoces. But I'm glad that since it does exist that at least some of these people will do the avoiding for me. (And of course, being out and distinctly non-whatever is going to make us targets too, but at least the true colours of those who make us targets will be shown).
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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