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Author Topic: I want a Penis
elocin7306
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I am a 31 year old mother of two boys, but ever since I was younger (five), I have always wanted a penis. In fact, I stuff my pants, and pretend I am a male and dry hump (pretending I am having sex with a women), and if given the oppurtunity, I would undergo SRS. Is there something wrong with me? I desperately want a penis and testes, and do the things that a man does, but noone knows, and I feel isolated. Am I obsessed, or was I born in the wrong body. I really feel as though I have a penis at times.

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elocin

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Heather
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Sounds to me like you could probably benefit from talking to a trans-friendly therapist about this, elocin.

Obviously, given how long this has been going on, you do have some profound gender dysphoria, and it's not likely to just up and go away. A therapist who works with these issues could help you determine what's likely to help you out and discuss your options with you. SRS is only one, and certainly is the most extreme and invasive of your options: plenty of people who are transgendered find help and relief without surgeries, too.

Is counseling/therapy something you'd be willing to consider?

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elocin7306
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Yes, counseling definitely, but I don't think that my desire is going to go away. I still want to have SRS. It is set in my head. I probably will never follow through with it, as I do have two children, and am living a life (in the closet) opposite of what I really want gender related.

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elocin

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elocin7306
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Furthermore, I just don't see myself being happy with just relief, and how to deal, but to identify myself as to what I feel I am , and to be able to look down and see a penis would identify who I believe I am. I even have dreams about being a male, and that it just popped out at puberty. I dare not tell my family or fiance.

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elocin

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Heather
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I hope I wasn't unclear or didn't give the wrong impression: I'd agree with you, that given how long this has been so pervasive, this is not a feeling that is likely to somehow magically just go away.

I didn't suggest therapy or counseling as a way to try and make that happen, but rather, as a place to start to be able to have someone to talk to about this, and to discuss and consider all of your options with.

Here are a couple trans-friendly therapists I could find for you in New Jersey:

• http://www.ipgcounseling.com/glbt_services.html
• Dr. Marsha Mark
HealthMark Counseling
101 Route 130
321 Madison Bldg
Cinnaminson, NJ 08077
(609) 829-8985
• Amy L. Altenhaus, PH.D.
80 East Main St., Freehold, NJ 07728
908-780-6644
• A. S. Nubel Ph.D., C.N.S.C.
Bridgewater area of NJ.
(908) 722-9884

I'd start with a look around the site for that first organization and by contacting them, as they seem to have a lot of resources, including support groups and private counseling.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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elocin7306
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You weren't unclear at all. I posted here for advice, and that is exactly what I am getting, therefore helping me in any way whatsoever to deal with my problem.

Today is probably the most climactic day I have ever had for that desire.

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elocin7306
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Do you think that I am obsessed or do I identify as a male in a women's body?

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elocin

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elocin7306
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Does the fact that I have high testosterone levels have anything to do with my innate desire?

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elocin

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elocin7306
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With what you have read on my post, would you consider me at FTM transexual?

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elocin

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ErinK
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Honestly, FTM transexual is a label you apply to yourself, not a label that anyone else can apply to you. It certainly does sound to me like you want to be a man, and that you're unhappy being a woman, which is how many people who choose to transition from female to male feel.

But there's no one set of criteria that we here (or anyone) would use to "classify" you as an FTM -- and, if there were, most of them would be based on how you feel and not on anything like testosterone lvels.

The best thing you can do for yourself is to find a counselor and other community resources that will allow you to explore your options and talk about your feelings. (Obviously you're welcome to keep posting here, but there's only so much we can do for you online.)

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elocin7306
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I just wish I could get these ongoing thoughts out of my head, and stop thinking like a guy.

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elocin

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elocin7306
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I just feel like I won't be satisfied until I have a man's equipment down there, as I am only pacified for a short while, and then find the need to fulfill my desire again.

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elocin

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Heather
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Really, elocin, all of these things are reasons to go and make contact with those resources that I gave to you.

But just to make a few things clear: transsexual is usually the term used to describe transgender folks who have has sexual reassignment surgery. Transgender is the term you're more likely looking for, but as Erin explained, that's a self-assigned term: it's not a condition someone is diagnosed with, or a gender someone is externally assigned.

I think it's also worth saying that it's tricky to say things like "thinking like a guy," since men and women -- per their biology, but also their gender -- all think in a myriad of different ways. There really isn't any one way of "thinking like a guy," or "thinking like a girl."

There's also no telling whether or not sexual reassignment surgery would "fix" the way you're feeling or your conflict. For some people, it does make a big difference, while for others it does not. For most people who very much do not feel their biological sex matches their gender, though, it is usually shown to net positive results (especially considering that transitioning is a long process with many steps, so you rarely have anyone just leaping into SRS). In fact, it's the only type of elective cosmetic surgery which has shown to make a positive difference with esteem over time: with other cosmetic surgeries, when people expect positive esteem changes, that expectation is often unrealistic.

But all the same, it's a very complex procedure with many steps, and which starts with counseling and other therapies, and which is very multifacteted. So, the best place to start would be by contacting one of those resources, and they can provide counseling and support very specific to this that we really cannot.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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elocin7306
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Okay, well what do I do if those numbers do not work, and I have limited funds to you specific counseling services? I just want to ease my self of these intense feelings of being a man, but when I go to sleep at night, all I can think about is ejaculating, and that my penis and testes will drop. I really do want help, but cannot find help, and the numbers you gave me do not work. In fact, one of them has sent me to Philly, but where can I find the time to do that in a forty hour work week.

Furthermore, it makes it hard for me to go to work the next day and look at a guy without feeling guilt for being a man on the inside the night before, when my outward appearance is woman.

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elocin

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elocin7306
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isn't there any online counseling, or phone cousneling available, coupled with transgender support groups.

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elocin

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Heather
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You know, I'll double check those resources for you on Monday, but I know the first organization is up and running and very much in New Jersey. Their twice-monthly TG support group operates on a sliding-scale fee.

And that that organization is going to be far more able to refer you to resources on this locally than anyone here possible could, since it's exactly what they do, and they are local to you.

I'll also go ahead and be honest with you: certainly, for general counseling, you can often find low-cost counseling and no-cost support groups (again, I'd talk to that first org). But I'll also be frank in telling you that long-term transgender therapy, hormone therapy -- which would be a step well before SRS -- and certainly SRS are not things which are in any sense inexpensive. In fact, they cost a considerable amount of money, energy and time. So, if you're stepping into this, that's something to prepare yourself to deal with, because money is absolutely going to be an issue.

Really, that's the case with intensive therapy and treatment for pretty much any condition, but SRS is elective surgery, as is hormone treatment with transgender, and like any other elective treatment, it costs, often big-time.

In terms of more resources beyond what I linked you to, by all means, you can find support groups online. Here is a big list of other resources from HRC, and you might also want to have a peek around here: http://www.tssupport.org/

[ 08-25-2007, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ElfenLied
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I also want a penis so bad.. Ever since I was a kid I also felt that I was meant to be a boy. I did almost all the things a boy could do as a kid. I even get along more with guys than most girls.. I'm not like most girls.. It's not that I like girls because I don't. Not like that anyway. I like boys.. But even me liking guys won't stop me from wanting to be a guy. It's all I can wish for. I hate my body.. I would be much happier as a guy. I can't talk to no one about it. It's embarrassing also my family are very religious.. they'd hate me. I have no support from no one not even friends.. and I am also poor. I don't have the money for anything to make me a boy. I get depressed easy.. and have thoughts of hurting myself from how hard it is the way I have to live in secret.
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Heather
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Hey Elfen: why don't you go ahead and make your own thread where we can see how we can help you out?

In the upper right corner of each page of these forums, you'll find a button that says "new topic." If you click that, you can make your own thread that's all about you. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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CM_86
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On Thursdays from 6:30pm to 9:00pm Eastern Time
a Transgender Helpline is available to answer questions. The number is 1-800-398-4297, they are located in Michigan but can assist in talking to you about your issues or direct you to local services in your area.

---Respectfully, Transman Cloven---

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confused1981
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elocin7306 I know it has been years but I wish I could talk to you. I feel the same way:) PM me if you get this message
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Karybu
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(confused1981, PMs are disabled for our users, for their own safety, but everyone is more than welcome to keep discussing this here - although this thread is older, so it's unlikely the original poster is checking it anymore.)

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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