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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Guys & Consent

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Author Topic: Guys & Consent
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm wondering if we could have a conversation with some of out users who are/identify as men (or who don't but were raised as men) here about messages you've gotten about consent.

Usually those conversations are about what messages guys have gotten about GETTING consent from partners for anything sexual, and usually also only female partners.

But what I'd like to talk about ifs what, if any, messages you feel you've gotten from the world, family, friends, partners, etc. when it comes to YOUR consent and the import of anyone being sexual with you seeking and getting consent from you to do sexual things of any kind.

If you've something to say about it, I'd love to listen and ask some questions.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I should have added that people who are not guys, or who have never been guys, who want to talk about messages they've gotten about the import of consent from men and boys are also welcome, too!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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WesLuck
Activist
Member # 56822

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Oh! This is a related topic to a similar Scarleteen thread possibly in another Scareleteen subforum! (which I also replied to) Anyway, nothing wrong with that! [Smile] Carry on. [Wink]

Btw: Heather did you mean "out" users, or "our" users? In this case there is a difference. [Wink]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
hyperalien
Neophyte
Member # 95496

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I identify as female and have been raised as a female but I've had conversations with several people regarding this issue and have tuned into pop culture and their references to this issue.
I personally know that "no" means "no" no matter the gender, sex, or orientation.
However, I've pretty much heard from society that
1)unless a male was underage, intoxicated, or was held a gun point, then it wasn't rape.
2)and that if a guy's body "responds" then he's obliviously "wanting it".

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Cricket
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Member # 96015

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One of my partners, who is bigender and femme but was very much raised with the expectation that she be a "guy," has had a lot of struggles in past relationships because of stereotypes about guys and consent. She says there was an expectation that she "be a man," do whatever her girlfriends wanted, always be in the dominant role, and not express her fears, emotional experiences, or boundaries because that would make her a bad boyfriend, though she of course had to always be there to support her girlfriends emotionally - she just couldn't ask for it back.

When she met me and realized that I didn't buy into that gender role pattern, she broke down crying. Years of bottled up emotions exploded out. It was intense, but I was really honored to be someone she felt comfortable expressing herself around, even in the face of years of contradictory social programming.

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Starfire&Shadows
Activist
Member # 31388

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I almost always thought of myself as a boy growing up. So here's what I got from the general culture. My mom's super-liberal so I'm going to split out what she taught me into it's own category.

From general culture:

Consent is important and all. And you have to think about whether your harming the girl you're with. But consent on the guy's end? Why wouldn't you want to do it with a girl? (Unless she's really underage, or you are.) It was a non-issue. There wasn't really a discussion.

Consent with two guys was maybe an issue - but no one wanted to talk about it much.

From my Mom:

Consent is important for everyone, no one should make you have sex that isn't comfortable for you. [Smile] (Although she did kind of have ideas about what would be comfortable for *anyone*.)

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We are all made of Star Stuff...
-Carl Sagan

...Their eyes beheld, first of all things, the stars of heaven.
-Silmarillion

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Kabith
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Member # 95148

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I've always heard implied that boys/men "only want one thing," or that sex is all that they think about and walk.

With that being said, I feel like it gives women a sense of empowerment, in a way. Seducing a man should be no problem, because he already wants it, right? No need to ask, just go up and grope him, or kiss him, take charge because they think it is sexy or will at least respond in a positive way. That's how the movies make it seem when the sexy lady wants something and isn't afraid to go and get it. If the roles were reversed, the woman could call assault.

It also seems like, in pop culture, when a "good" guy with a girlfriend back home is being seduced by the "bad" lady, he always does have this longing for her anyway. A secret desire that he is weakly trying to hide. But in the end, he either is good and is able to shove her off, or he is bad and succumbs to his desires.

But that isn't really how it works, is it? A man could have his body turned on by certain things, but they would still feel taken advantage of, right? You can't just assume that a man "wants it," you have to ask, right? But girls never feel like they need to, it's just a given that they will say yes.

Anyone else feel this way, or is it just me? XD

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WesLuck
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Some people when being raped still have their body respond, so having your body respond to unwanted sexual stuff is NOT equal to giving consent to what is happening.

[ 07-23-2012, 03:45 AM: Message edited by: WesLuck ]

Posts: 540 | From: Australia | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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