Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Help. I would really appreciate it.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Help. I would really appreciate it.
Siren2010
Neophyte
Member # 50312

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Siren2010     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Upon reading philosophy for a year, I have come across a most startling truth; a truth which I am not quite ready to accept yet -- I am gay.

All attempts to "talk" about this with my family have lead to dead ends. They don't even trust me anymore with money, or anything really. My own mother told me this. They are uber conservative and believe it is their way or the highway.

Only every time I suppress my instinct, I feel brain dead. I'm not even kidding. Whenever I am in moods of denial, or believe that "medication can cure me", I can't even complete the simplest of tasks -- like addition or subtraction problems, or singing a song for choir with passion.

I know that my decision will ultimately lead in my family's unhappiness and disappointment in me; but in that same wave it is my last chance at true happiness, it seems.

My parents are taking me to Texas in a couple weeks, but that seems like an eternity from now. I almost want to do it with a gay guy,for my sanity's sake, but the one dude I know of is someone who I can't stand. If he was PRETTY, and NOT MEEK AND SHY, then I would be more inclined to get to know him better. Every time he talks to me my stomach turns.

It is terrifying because everyone I knew and loved is either leaving or already gone from my life (and I still love women, but I have the worst feeling that, logically, they will never love me -- no matter how intense my desire -- no matter how great my "game" is with the ones who I really like).

I am a virgin, and I have been saving myself for the woman of my dreams. That dream is dying, and it's eating me up inside. At this point, after loosing everything, there is no other way than up, I guess (Fight Club is awesome).

I guess it is only logical, because all of the women who I have ever fallen for have similar interests to my own (Comics, Video Games, Anime,etc), while all of the boring, ugly women AND the beautiful ones who have terrible taste in things like Lady Gaga are just plain unappealing to me. In other words, I love women who are similar to me (good looking and free-spirited).

Is it irrational of me to want to start a family with a woman?

Never in my entire life have I felt more insecure and alone than I do now. I am optimistic by nature, so this feeling baffles and bewilders me.
Time has retarded substantially and I'm going to sleep later and later.

[ 11-30-2010, 05:58 PM: Message edited by: Siren2010 ]

Posts: 2 | From: Eugene, OR | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm so sorry that your family has been unsupportive. While I know how painful that can be, please know there are many people in the world who are or will be supportive of you, okay? You found one place for that, but this isn't the only place.

I think it's important to recognize that bigotry and bias are what make people disappointed and unhappy, not whatever people or groups someone has bigotry or bias about. In other words, if their bigotry and bias makes them unhappy, that's on them, not on you, and it's not your orientation causing the problem. Do you know what I mean?

Let's not call people things like ugly here, okay? Or judge other people's taste in things. That doesn't support the kind of environment here we want everyone to have, and I'm not sure how much it'll help you out, either.

Who someone wants to start a family with varies, and not just by orientation. What you even mean by that isn't something I can assume, because, for instance, my family is made up of partners, ex-partners, friends and people to whom I'm related. So, I can't say what's rational or not for someone to want in this area, especially around orientation because our relationships in life aren't just about our orientation.

That all said, want to talk some more of this out? How do you feel like we can best help and support you right now?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Siren2010
Neophyte
Member # 50312

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Siren2010     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you for your response, Heather. I am sorry for being rude.

"How do you feel like we can best help and support you right now?"

Honestly, I would love to see you and talk to you in person. Communication is marvelous when you're talking face to face with someone. The internet only makes me feel worse.

There are no sexual-help counselors in Eugene. My one friend who would understand me (a lesbian) is nowhere to be found, and all I am left of the memory of her is an e-mail she sent me years ago, saying "I feel like I'm losing my best friend". The pain is unbearable. I am proud of myself for not considering suicide. Nothing is that bad...

My parents have an appointment for me later today, the object of which is to find a pill that will alter my instinct and make me stupid (Prozac). I have nowhere to go.

[ 11-30-2010, 06:33 PM: Message edited by: Siren2010 ]

Posts: 2 | From: Eugene, OR | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I totally understand wanting to talk to someone in person. That's not something we can offer in your state, but we can certainly help you find someone you can do that with who is LGBT-friendly.

Actually, Eugene is not as without resources as you'd think! Can I ask why you got the idea you don't have any resources there? You so do! [Smile]

Here are some places to start: http://www.queereugene.com/youth/

The Trevor Project can also help you find more local resources, too.

Prozac is an anti-depressant. It is not a medication that can change anyone's orientation, and also not one any doctor will prescribe unless a patient has depression or other kinds of illness it is classfied for use with.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3