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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Sex...In the Wrong Body?

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Author Topic: Sex...In the Wrong Body?
danielela42
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Hey! I've posted here before on some issues I have concerning my gender. I'm a guy who wonders if he might be more comfortable in a girl's body. I've been dealing quite well, but I've got a new, related problem:

I have a girlfriend (a "straight" relationship) and things are getting serious. One night a few weeks ago, making out progressed, and clothes came off. She was enjoying the attention I gave her, and I loved that she was having fun, and I was too. But when she turned her attention to me, I was unable to get physically aroused. Since then, we took a step back in our activities, but I still notice that making out is mentally arousing, but rarely physically arousing.

Now, I hope to resolve this, but I can't help but think that the problem is I simply don't like having a penis. This conclusion is supported by several recent dreams that, let's just say, don't leave much room for interpretation.

Please, pretty please, can anyone help me figure out what to do?

Posts: 25 | From: Trapped in my own mind | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Danielela, is your girlfriend aware of your gender identity questioning?

The reason I ask is that if you are in a space where female gender feels more comfortable to you, that's the kind of thing that it makes sense to tell a partner about, and to make some adaptations around in the sex that you are having. In other words, if the kind of sex you're having is treating you as male, and you want to be treated as female, you and your partner can certainly change things up so that the sex you are having is in better alignment with your gender identity.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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danielela42
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Unfortunately, I haven't felt able to bring the topic up with my girlfriend yet. We haven't really talked about sex, directly. Things just started to happen on their own, and then we mutually, nonverbally took a step back to where we were comfortable. I'm worried that bringing this up could make things concerning sex even more awkward. Especially since I think she's also a virgin, so things will be new enough for her anyway, and she has told me she's sure she's not a lesbian.
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Heather
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It sounds to me, then, like it's really important you just take several giant steps back from where things have gone.

Do you feel like dating right now is really a sound choice for you, or that dating someone where you're having to play a role you don't want is going to earnestly benefit either of you?

Because it sounds to me like already, you have a pretty good idea that this relationship isn't a good fit for you both in terms of it really being about who both of you really are and how you're both oriented.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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danielela42
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That....wasn't the sort of response I expected.

I do love my girlfriend, and I love spending time with her. It's just, this thing that happened when we were about to have sex, which has me worried. I don't feel like I want to end this relationship with her because of this one occurrence.

I'm going to keep going how things were, and the next time we're in an intimate situation (we're both dorming at college with roommates, so who knows when that'll be), I'll see how things go. Maybe it was just first-time jitters?

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Heather
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That really depends on if the sex you are having -- and the person you are thought to be and presenting yourself as -- is what you want.

Put this in another context: if a gay man were going to have sex with a heterosexual woman under guise of being heterosexual, and he felt very uncomfortable, would we say it was just first-time jitters? No. And we wouldn't because what would be much more likely would be that he was trying to do something that wasn't authentic to him, and where he was playacting, or having someone see him falsely.

Gender identity is a pretty big deal, and it's one of those things where we just can't expect to be able to have real intimacy with someone, real love, if we have to hide ours or pretend it is something different. Why I asked you if this really was a good time for you to be dating or if this relationship was a good idea was because if you are pretending to be something you are not, and your girlfriend needs to believe you are something you are not, at best, that limits the mileage of a relationship substantially, and at worse, one or both of you can get pretty deeply hurt.

I'm curious as to why you aren't considering talking to her about this, particularly if you love each other and want to stay involved with her?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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danielela42
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I haven't denied any of this, I just still feel a little uncomfortable discussing this part of me. I'm still not sure that I even understand it yet. I'm not sure that I wish I was a girl. But it's a feeling I have at times, and I don't know if it might be related to the issue in bed. And the sex I'm having, as I said, is none. We had one night where it went more intimate than making out, and that has been it.

But, I will try to bring it up soon with her, because it is important...

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Heather
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I'd suggest you talk about it with her. Honestly, if you two deeply love each other, it's likely to be okay no matter what.

Even just talking about it may help a lot, and might also open the door, if you two are going to have a sexual relationship, to seeing if sex that feels more in alignment with your gender ID right now doesn't feel as awkward or not right. When we feel like we're hiding something, sex of any kind can tend to feel mighty weird, because it's a bit of a paradox to seek intimacy in one respect while concealing how we're thinking about ourselves in another. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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danielela42
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Yeah, it does. The next time we're alone, I'll try to talk to her about it. I'm glad you're saying this - at first it sounded to me like you were saying the relationship sounded completely bad to you, and that was a bit scary to hear.
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Heather
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No, that's not what I was saying.

Rather, I was saying that it sounded more likely to me that your feelings were based in gender issues than first-time "jitters," and that if you're going to have sexual relationships which are healthy and feel right, you're likely going to need to be able to be out in terms of your gender identity, even if the identity right now is flux.

And that if you feel unable to do that, it might not be best to be in sexual relationships right now, specifically with people who do or may have a big problem with being involved with you if you do not identify as a straight male.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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danielela42
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Yey! I told her last night, and she's okay with it. [Smile] I can't say anything about the sex concern yet (college roommates are always there when you don't want them [Razz] ) but it's nice to get this out in the open. [Smile]
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Heather
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Oh, I'm so glad it went so well, and so glad you were able to be honest.

Feeling better?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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danielela42
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Mhm! Thanks for the guidance [Smile]
Posts: 25 | From: Trapped in my own mind | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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