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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » Yo, Guys: This One's For You

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Author Topic: Yo, Guys: This One's For You
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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For some reason, the topic I kept running into today was clearly influenced by continued ideas that it should be men doing all or most of the initiating in male-female sexual or romantic relationships.

So, fill the women in who need to understand the deal.

If you've felt that way, been raised that way, or had partners put you in that position, how does it make you feel? Does that really work for you? Does it influence or confuse your masculinity or ideas about masculinity? What are the pros and the cons to that approach, in your mind and experience? How might you let women know -- especially given how many are STILL being raised to believe it isn't okay for them to be assertive and initiate, too -- why it's best for them to be in the driver's seat sometimes, too?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TheFlash
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I think it is sexier when a woman kisses me, which hasn't happend to me very often, like maybe twice ever.

I think it's because then I know she is interested in me, so I don't have to worry about whether she like me or not. If I like her, I'll start to wonder if she would like it it if I kissed her. But since I don't know, I'm reluctant to try for fear of being rejected. If you add in the usual worries about being good at kissing etc, then it gets to be overwhelming.

I would be less afraid if she told me that she wanted me to kiss her. I don't take hints well, so the woman has to be very clear about it because the more interested I am in her, the more likely I'll miss any hints she gives. This is because if I'm REALLY interested, any hints I actually do get, I'll attribute to my overactive imagination and wishful thinking. So I'll just assume it wasn't actually a hint and just my mind playing tricks. You can't be too clear on this one.

I would tell her verbally I was interested in kissing her, but that seems socially unacceptable for men, even though it seems like it should be fine.

On the other hand, if I'm not interested in the woman then I don't think about kissing her at all. If I don't like her, then I don't know what would happen if she tried to kiss me. Never happened and never crossed my mind until now. It probably wouldn't work out so good.

Beyond the first kiss being awkward, if all is going fine, I also like it better when the woman initiates every so often and the more often the better. It's a physical reminder that she likes me, is interested in me and it says that I'm not the only one interested in the physical part of the relationship. I think if I didn't get that once in a while, I would start to wonder if the woman was physically attracted to me or just seeing me for some other reasons. Words are good, but actions are better.

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danielela42
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Well, I was raised by a family very open to different viewpoints, and so I was never told or even suggested that men should initiate romance. However, in the real world, I've found that women (at least the ones I've been involved with or interested in) won't initiate, and it's a fact I've had to deal with, since I'm not a very assertive person myself. I think it would be nice if things were different, so that either party could feel comfortable initiating "contact," and I suppose it can be different, depending on the woman in question.
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TheFlash
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Here's an example of what I meant above. It was my birthday and this girl I liked and thought might like me came over to my house. She saw a chess set in my room and asked if I played. I said, well yes, but I'm not very good. She asked if we could play a game. We did and I could tell she was letting me win.

Later on she said, it's your birthday, would you like to give me a birthday kiss? I thought, well, I guess, but I suppose since it's a gift, it's something that's not as good because I'm only getting one because it's a special occasion and not because you're interested in me.

When she left, I asked her if she let me win the game. She said yes, because of some idea about it not being a good idea for her to beat me, being a boy and all. I wasn't very happy about that, like I needed some special guy ego protection and that I couldn't have a chess partner to play that tried.

Then she said, "you know, you could have had more than just a birthday kiss.". Which if things had gone different, I would have been interested. But as it all went, we never got together and I lost interest in her.

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danielela42
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[Frown] Sorry to hear about how that possibility turned out. It seems quite odd that she let you win because you were a guy. I don't think I've ever met anyone who held such "strict" gender roles. Are you sure she didn't let you win because it was your birthday, or just because she liked you?
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TheFlash
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She let me win because she thought guys only like the women that are not smarter than them. She thought I would like her more if she acted dumb and lost. I suspect that she thought it would hurt my ego to lose. I was a little insulted in that seemed like a low opinion she had of me and would have been a lot more impressed if she wasn't shy about beating me. I did tell her before the game I wasn't very good so she really had no reason to worry about my feelings anyway.

Truth be told, she did do some drugs and smoked, and that was the ultimate deal breaker. It was kind of funny because my mom said after she left that she thought she seemed like a nice girl. I said... Not really, If I was you, I wouldn't let me see her. Seemed funny for me to be saying that to my mom.

Posts: 98 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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