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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » The train is out of the station...and has broken down on the track

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Author Topic: The train is out of the station...and has broken down on the track
TSuper
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Member # 38472

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Hi, I'm a newbie here, and I really don't know what to say about my situation. I am a physically male (albiet really girly-looking male) seventeen year old. I am a male-to-female transsexual, and I am going to psychiatric appointments with a really cool and supportive staff. After dealing with my own transsexuality for nearly all my life I finally came to terms with it and managed to actually come out to my Mom(I live with my Mom, my dad is deceased). Glee about coming out, but of course she was devastated. I managed to get her to let me go to a psych, but I can't seem to get any further. I am making progress little by little, but I feel as if it is not enough. My Mom cannot accept me as who I am, and I realize that takes time, but its precious time I don't have. I need to be at least far enough through with my transition to enter college as a girl. My Mom is sweet, but wants to avoid "my issue" (as she calls it) as much as possible. I have managed to get my psych to refer me to a good TS-friendly endocrinologist, and my Mom will allow me to have an appointment with him...but she thinks it is for diagnosis of "my issue". The diagnosis is over, I am who I am. I need to figure out a way to gain my Mother's support when it comes to obtaining hormones. Any mention of me being a girl sends her into deep depression. I'm stuck right now and I need help. I need help so that my body doesn't become more masculine; I need help so that I can be the real me. Any advice would be really appreciative, but talking helps too. Sometimes its just nice to be able to talk to someone about my secret who doesn't hate or isn't dissapointed in me for being who I am.

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Its all in the way one looks at the world

Posts: 13 | From: Unites States | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, TSuper. Welcome. [Smile]

I assume that you've talked to your therapy staff about your mother and all of this? If so, might there be any way to get her to come to a couple of family sessions so that the staff can both help clue her in a bit more and so that you can be able to talk about (and she, as well) how hurtful her behavior is to you and why her lack of support is probably the biggest "issue" at hand at the moment?

If that's not an option, do you see any way of getting her to come to some other kind of family support group if you have them in your area?

Has she voiced anything about her feelings with this? I know you say she goes into a depression, but have the two of you been able to talk any of this out at all?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TSuper
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Member # 38472

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Thanks for the quick and hearfelt response Heather. I have been thinking about getting my Mom to come to a family therapy session for a while now, though it might take a little coaxing. However, I think that given a little encouragement and love, my Mom will agree to go. Her feelings on what she calls "my issue" are mixed. She has told me that she really doesn't want this to happen, and that she feels like her son is dying. She does, at the same time, want to emphasize that she will love me no matter what and will allow me to live in our house forever no matter what. She really is a good mother, I just think that she expects to somehow convince me to stay male, but she has told me that when I'm 18, I'll be able to do the transition without her support legally. Of course, I already knew that, but it seems as if she was saying that this has to wait until I'm 18, and then I can go about this without her help. The problem is, I don't think I have the patience, or the emotional stability, not to mention the financial prowess to pay for transition.

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Its all in the way one looks at the world

Posts: 13 | From: Unites States | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm only passing through right now -- I was just at work at the clinic that's my second job for 12 hours away from home and am wiped -- but wanted to make sure you got answered.

I'm, sure you know already that some of your mother's response is really normal. It's probably also understandable, since in many ways, she is/will be losing a son. You acknowledge that loss yourself, it's just one you want and feel happy about. But for her, your being her son was clearly something she enjoyed. Now, she likely would have felt the same attachment had you been sexed female at birth and raised as a daughter, and she may well come around to that in time. But it's a big adjustment for a parent, especially when they haven't been living in your head, and they haven't experienced the feelings of conflict with that role you have.

You might have some more of an in to getting more emotional support with this if you address her loss and acknowledge it, and then discuss the differences in how you both feel. That also is likely something your therapist would probably bring up with her. I'd also encourage her to just simply say you need her to go to a couple of those sessions with you: that you need her, plain and simple. A good parent, a parent who loves you, is not likely to dismiss an emotional need, even if it's tough for them. It does sound like she may well be up to that, and that in her heart of hearts, she wants to be supportive, but is just having a tough time (which is not to diminish your own tough time, either).

Mind, none of that means her helping you pay for all of your transition costs, especially when she clearly needs more time to adjust: I hear your impatience, but to be plain, you're likely going to feel that for a long time with your transition no matter how you slice it. And pushing the financial support if she's saying she just isn't okay doing that part of it...well, you just have to consider her needs here, too. It's out of your financial spectrum now, but it may also be well out of hers. As you know, it's incredibly costly. Too, it's pretty atypical for parents to pay their adult children's healthcare costs, period. In terms of the financial issues, I'd suggest that you put that on the backburner. Her emotional support is going to be far more key, and not something you can get from anywhere else. And until that starts to happen, money isn't going to, anyway, seeking financial support or payment will likely make it tougher for her to develop compassion, understanding and support.

You certainly can talk to your therapist about a plan for your transition and the time and costs, and get cracking on how you're going to go this alone, or with the help of other sources. A lot of transfolk over time have found ways to be pretty darn creative about fundraising.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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TSuper
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Member # 38472

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Thank you sooooo much for all your hard work with that well-developed answer. 12 hours away, wow. I will definately take time to think about what you have brought up. I agree that her emotional support is most key. I will get my Mom to start coming to therapy, that has been on my to do list for a while, but I think I'll wait two weeks so that this can happen in summer, when both of our schedules are more clear.

[ 05-20-2008, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: TSuper ]

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Its all in the way one looks at the world

Posts: 13 | From: Unites States | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course.

You probably want those couple of weeks anyway to talk with your therapist about how you both best want to talk with your mother anyway.

Are you good in terms of connection to extra online support that's trans-specific (which is not to say we're not happy to help here, mind)? You sound pretty educated, so I assume you are, but if you want some more resources, just give a shout, and I'll get you connected tomorrow.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
TSuper
Neophyte
Member # 38472

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Wow, thanks for the compliment =D. I know of an online transsexual support chatrooms, but I prefer the forum layout instead. A chatroom just seems a little personal to be telling one of my largest secrets over. Not to say that here at Scarleteen you are impersonal. You are very kind and go out of your way to help those in need =D. I just feel like the forum style fits this kind of discussion more; forums almost remind me of a online form of letter system (aside form e-mail, of course) that I can use to get help from anyone willing to help me. Back to the subject, I really don't know of many trans-specific forums that are credible, and any links would be great. Thank you so much, I'm sure you will be rewarded for all the hard work you do sometime, somewhere.

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Its all in the way one looks at the world

Posts: 13 | From: Unites States | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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