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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » late bloomer trying to catch up

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Author Topic: late bloomer trying to catch up
Member # 36330

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Everything was good from age zero to 12. I was ready to be a teen, to be lost and confused and then figure it all out. Happy endings and all.

Then my parents got divorced and decided to be kids again. I played the adult until I was out of college. And it became habit. I met a girl, I married her, we had a kid; I tried to recreate what I lost as a kid. She was the first and only partner I've ever had. She left me in August for another guy.

In the past few years, I've just been figuring all of this out, and giving myself time to grow up a bit (emotionally). I started to catch up emotionally, but as I dropped my defenses, I started thinking things that scared me and threatened my (already fragile, artificial) identity.

I noticed that I was attracted to men *and* women. I noticed that I was dissatisfied as a man, noticed that I'd been censoring thought after thought--wishing I were a woman (I've always cross dressed). Maybe not a woman. I just started realizing that I didn't need to act so masculine and that censoring my effeminate tendencies was only making things worse.

The problem is that I don't know where to go from here. I have a life now, a kid, a job, people all around me who know me as the person I've acted to be. Like any other teen, I need time to figure things out and space to be myself. But I've put myself in a position that feels devoid of time and space.

Tell me things will work out. I'm in therapy now, but I just need to hear it from people who've been through it.

Posts: 2 | From: pittsburgh | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oOo Lea oOo
Member # 26647

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Things will work out! And good for you for getting help. So little people who actually need it, seek it. So congrats on that part. I hope it's going well.

I know right now you're confused, but know that you don't have to make a decision right now, or ever, about your orientation or identity. You don't have to be identified as Heterosexual, Bi-sexual, homosexual, or anything for that matter.

If your attractions to men are greater than your attractions for women, or equal, no one needs to know that but you. Those who need to know will when you are ready to tell them.

You don't have a time frame to figure this out. You can take as much time as you need.

Also, acting as someone you aren't doesn't hide the person you are. And family or friends should be there to support you no matter which gender you identify as or your sexuality.

Is there anyone other than your therapist you can speak to? A close family member or friend? Telling someone you are someone other than the person they think you are can be frightening and painful. But playing a role that is entirely fake can be painful as well, and it isn't being fair to yourself.

I hope this works out for you. I haven't been in your situation, but I saw that no one else has posted and I wanted to try to give you a little hope. I hope I helped. Good luck! [Smile]

And I say thank you for the scars
And the guilt and the pain
Every tear I've never cried
Has sealed your fate.
Did you take me for a fool
or were you just too blind to see
that every effort made has failed
and there is no destroying me?

Posts: 366 | From: West Virginia | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 36330

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Thanks for the reassurance. I guess you're right that there's no need for deadlines or labels. It would be nice if there was a one word answer, but it doesn't seem that simple [Smile]

Though what do I tell people that I'm close to, if not a label? Especially if I haven't chosen one or never do? It's further complicated by the fact that I've started to dress more androgynously. I know people are wondering. I tried to talk to my ex about it (she identifies as bi), but she was less than accepting. She was mostly resentful that I hadn't figured all of this out earlier. My mom is extremely homophobic and my dad is judgmental. Maybe the best thing to do is find friends without any prior notions about who I am and not worry about the rest.

Posts: 2 | From: pittsburgh | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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