I know that I've posted here before and played myself off to be "fine". the truth is, I am still calm and collected in my ponderings of being trans (I am a biological female but I just know I am male) but this doesn't stop me from having very depressed thoughts
The thing is, not many people know about trans issues and can't help. My friends do see me as a guy, but with family, it's a different story. Thank god I have Harry Potter because when my friends call me a male name, it's a character name, so I can just say it's a Harry Potter thing, even though it feels so right to be called it. My friends try to be supportive but they don't know how
Every moment seems to be a struggle these days. I look in the mirror and I don't know what to wear. I fear looking to feminine because to me that would be weird. I fear looking too masculine because people might question. I'm getting a breast reduction this week but that will put me at a B and though that's way better it's still not the best. But I can't say that to my mom or doctor
My parents are aware. But it's too difficult. And I just don't think I could ever completely transition
I was having really suicidal thoughts this weekend, like actually considering the best methods to do it, and though I still keep my cool it really worried me
I fear not having a normal relationship with a woman even though I have a dating prospect as it is and she seems very open to transmen but it feels so weird to say that "transmen."
annnnd I don't know, I find myself excited when I find another ftm. I spend most of my time online (like now) talking to ftms or passing myself off as a straight guy on the internet. When people call me "girl" "she" "her" I feel so offended. And stupid all at once
I honestly HONESTLY don't know what to do!
I don't know what I need, either.
Thank you for reading
-------------------- - "And when everyone is super, no one will be."
-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES" Posts: 116 | From: Olympia, WA | Registered: May 2007
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Having supportive friends is a good start, but you're right: they don't know what's happening with you and they can only help so much. The best thing you could probably do for yourself is looking into some counseling. If you could let us know where in WA you're at, we could look into resources for you.
Aside from that, if you're having suicidal thoughts and aren't sure who to turn to, you could always call a crisis hotline. That's not a long-term solution, of course, but it's something that can help a lot in the middle of a crisis.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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