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Author Topic: Wondering
Cops&Robbers
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Okay, I'm posting this for a friend of mine, whom wanted me to post this. He is sitting next to me.
This is his situation:

His mom came up to him today and asked him why there were playboy magazines in his sister's room. He really had no idea why they were there but he pretended like they were his because he knew his mom was weird about that kind of stuff.
Afterwards he went to his sister's room and sure enough, he saw the playboy magazines, which were older issues that used to belong to his older brother.
Later, he confronted his sister, asking her why she had playboy magazines in her room. She (of course) got mad at him for being in her room and the violation of space thing and that stuff.
He kept asking, she'd never answer, just get mad, telling him to mind his own business.

My friend really doesn't know what to do or think. He doesn't have a problem with homosexuals, bisexuals or lesbians but he just wants to know what's going on with his sister. In general, they're pretty close and tell each other things. She seems to have something with a boy at her school and it's been going on for about six months... Even though the boy really really likes her for some reason they've never started dating or did anything besides one french kiss about three or four months ago but nothing besides that, etc.

My friend is wondering, is his sister a lesbian? And, how should he approach this situation?
thanks. sorry it was long.

[ 07-08-2007, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: Cops&Robbers ]

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graawwrl.

Posts: 4 | From: Basement | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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It'd be an error to make ANY assumptions about her orientation based on find Playboys in her room, and I'll briefly explain why.

Most studies on women and pronography have shown that women who ID as bisexual and heterosexual will eyeball pretty much anything, in terms of what they'll look at out of their own curiosity. The why of that is generally twofold:

1) Women, overall, have been shown to be, in studies, and known to be, in general, FAR more flexible when it comes to their attraction bases than men of any orientation are, and
2) Women who do look at or use pornography often tend to look at it in a different way then men do. The best way I've explained in the past when asked about it with the work I've done with adult women is that (and this is a generality, not a universal, so certainly, there is room for diversity and exception) whereas a lot of men report to look at pornographic imagery as if they were looking through a keyhole, a lot of women look at it as if they were looking in a mirror.

So, when a woman of any stripe is looking at erotic imagery with a woman in it, she may be envisioning the woman to be another women OR herself. Or both.

There are a lot of reasons why that probably is, but it's a pretty solid truism, supprted by a good lot of study. Too, you also have to bear in mind that lots of women who look at that material may not even be looking to get off on it at all: some women just look to make comparisons.

So, his sister may be heterosexual, bisexual or lesbian: but this scenario offres no information whatsoever to guess about that with.

I'd suggest that he not approach the situation at all, since clearly the discovery made her so uncomfortable, and since, given they are close, if she wants to share something about it, seems like she will. In other words, just not his business, just like I'm sure he's got his own stuff that isn't hers, either. [Smile]

[ 07-09-2007, 01:38 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cops&Robbers
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Thanks for the response.
That's what we considered also but since then he has apologized to his sister for prying into her business and going through her things.
He told her that if she ever needed to talk to him that he was always there, and he said that she responded with, "I don't feel comfortable talking about it right now," or something along those lines.

He isn't going to bother her about it anymore, but he believes that she is just confused with herself right now and needs time to figure things out. He also thinks that it's weird that if she was just using the magazines for comparison or envisionment, she would have told/explained this to him, but she didn't. But that doesn't mean that isn't a possibility. He just says if it wasn't something like that, she would've have hid it from him.

He's trying to do this the best he can. (approach the situation and stuff) but he's also hurt because this is apparently the first big thing she has kept from him.

Thanks

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graawwrl.

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Heather
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Well, most people get pretty defensive and uncomfortable when "caught" with pornography, and with women, that discomfort can be even greater because women aren't often thought to be "supposed to" look in the same way men are. A guy found with porn is thought to be normal, or boys-will-be-boys, but a girl found with it raises all sorts of strange suspcions, despite the fact that it's normal for people of all sexes to be sexually curious.

For example, ten bucks says if his Mom had found them in HIS room, she might not have said anything, which he clearly picked up on in knowing saying they were his was a good cover for his sis.

You might want to pass onto him that while it makes sense that his feelings are hurt given how close they are, it's also really normal for siblings at a certain point -- and opposite-sex siblings, even more -- to begin to want a little more privacy, and/or to have certain arenas of privacy they might not have before. Doesn't mean she likely loves him any less, or that he necessarily did anything wrong in any big way. And if he wants to tell her that he gets her wanting privacy, but also feels bummed because he likes how close they are, that's an okay thing to say: it doesn't force her to give up any privacy she wants, or say to her she has to tell him everything, it just expresses his feelings.

Again, who knows the situation, but it doesn't matter all that much. Sounds to me like he's responded in a good way, no matter the situation, and left the door open for her if she DOES have anything she wants to talk about, and that's what counts.

[ 07-09-2007, 02:18 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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