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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » what do i tell my son?

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Author Topic: what do i tell my son?
sick_of_the_scars
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ok. well i am sixteen and had a beautiful baby boy on aug. 21st 2006. i am bisexual and have been trans since i was eleven. i came to the decision that i'm okay with not doing the full blown change but i do want to get a chest reconstruction and get started on testosterone when i turn eighteen. my son is only two months old, now, but i'm concerned about how i can explain to him that his mommy wants to be a man. it's confusing to other people, so, i can only imagine how confusing it would be to a child. any ideas on how i can explain this to him? and how i can help him understand that transexuality and homosexuality are natural and normal? i really want him to understand this and to accept it. thanks for any advice.

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"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity."

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Heather
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Ultimately, since you can't communicate with a two-month old about anything save sleeping, eating and basic physical bonding, this is moot for right NOW.

Gender and sex are very complex topics, and ones that are insanely difficult for young children to get save the basics: they just can't see how they play out without a good deal of life experience. So, these discussions really are years down the road.

Bear in mind, too, that if you're transitioning when your kid is two, they won't even have known you other than as you present. To kids, normal is THEIR normal. Know what I mean?

If and when you do start the process of all of this, you'll have to do some intensive counseling to be okayed for it: I'd suggest bringing these questions to your therapist then, as he or she will likely have had experience with this issue before in families and with children, and can probably offer you a lot on this topic to work with and start thinking about.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pud21
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Hi, i think that you have to count it as a blessing that your son is still very young, because now is the critical time of learning in a todlars life realy. What ever you teach and tell him now will stick with him as he grows up. Perhaps you should try talking to him about race, and then progress on to sexuality, gender etc. To give him a clear idea that there is more than one type of person out there not just the man and woman that you see on t.v! I would try and do it in as simple way as possible, make it as exciting as you can, i.e. draw pictures, read books to him and then ask him questions about it after wards. I think you will be very suprised just how accepting he will be.

You sound like you know what you are doing any way, you seem to have your head screwed on tightly.

Good luck

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elocin7306
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Did you change your sex? I too have two son's ranging three years apart, and have a major desire to be the opposite sex since I was five. I think my anxiety today may stem from that since I look for time alone to be able to act like what I can't be in public ( a male), and pretend to have sex with a female.

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elocin

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crazymonkey
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I dont have kids as I am quite young but as a teachers' aide, I have many experience with kids ages 5 and under. At this point, they are very accepting of new ideas as their subconcious mind is very open and they seek more knowledge to fill themselves. this should result in when they are older, much more likely to accept things as they are when they can begin to understand yours and their situation than if you break it out to them when they are teenagers or something closer to that age range
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supersoaka
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(Edited: Okay, real warning here now, supersoaka: homophobia and transphobia are NOT okay here. You say you "hate to be a jerk," so the answer is simple: don't be one.

FYI? You also are speaking about these things from a very clear place of ignorance, without having studied any of it at all -- for instance, you stated that most transsexual and homosexual parents raise children that turn out to be the same, when, in fact, studies have shown that the same gender and orientation variations that occur with gendernormative and heterosexual parents occur with other types of parents. That's not helpful to anyone.

This is an inclusive space that needs to be safe for everyone, and where everyone here needs to respect diversity. If you can't do that, you need to go elsewhere: if I have to edit or delete another of your posts like this, I'll make that choice for you.

So, if you want to keep getting helped here, you need to adapt to how things work here. I've gone to bat for you, and we've worked hard to be inclusive and tolerant per YOU: all we ask is that you extend that same respect to others. If you can't yet, the easy way to ease into that is to stick to your own threads.)


[ 09-13-2007, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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supersoaka
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ok i hate to argue but imm affraid you pulled that one out your anus

you lead me to belive you yourself are feminazi without a husband and straight children of your own

(Edited to remove all the epitets hurled at everuone else: no one needs to hear this stuff in a safe space)

[ 09-13-2007, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather
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And that'd be the last straw.

This "feminazi" -- who, for the record, is indeed queer, but is currently with a male partner, and actively has chosen not to marry anyone when marriage is an option because she has absolutely no desire to BE married, ever, nor to be a parent, though if I had chosen to be a parent, I could hardly control the sexual orientation of my children -- stuck her neck out pretty seriously for you, and was tolerant towards you (after, I should add, more than one of the volunteers asked you be banned). Apparently, that gesture was in vain.

I tried my darndest, while answering an AWFUL lot of persistant questions from you very generously, to help you figure out how to post here in a way that's respectful of others besides yourself, but our guidelines are what they are, and obviously, you aren't able or willing to abide them. I also made clear to you that if your biases stood in the way of you following the rules, all you needed to do was NOT to post in threads where clearly you had bias. Once that suggestion was made, and you continued to feel a need to do so and say the kinds of things you said when doing so, not only can I only make the assumption that your aim in those threads was to harass, but then you break our rules.

We can't help one user at the expense of the community or everyone else, nor will I be talked to that way, or have anyone else here be talked to that way. These are the rules here, and they are inflexible in this regard.

Sorry, Charlie: your run is over. Your posting privileges are now removed, and your IP addresses banned.

By the by, for any curious about all the studies on GLBT parenting which apparently live in my behind -- oh, THAT'S where they were! -- on this matter, feel free to have a look here, here, and here.

[ 09-13-2007, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Djuna
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With GLBT parenting, in those instances where both parents identify with the same gender (for instance female), is there an issue of the child finding a male role model, or is that an urban myth? Not that it's a problem if a male role model is needed, I'm just wondering from a point of curiosity for psychology.
By the way, I just wanted to say:
quote:
-- oh, THAT'S where they were! --
that's a quality I really admire in you, and to be honest, something I've missed while I've been gone; the ability to take a barrage of insults and laugh in the face of it. It's something some of the middle-class people at my new college seem to lack in spades, and it's refreshing.

[ 09-21-2007, 09:03 PM: Message edited by: smileyjoseph ]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Heather
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From all the data we have so far, that's mythology, joseph.

And if you pull up some of those links, you'll see some of that addressed in them.

If and when we have problems with that, it really boils down to a problem with a two-parent family/nuclear family, period, which is a very western problem. When children have extended families -- blood relatives and otherwise -- in just about every way possible, we also have data that they're better adjusted. Chicldren in every kind of nuclear family or attempted nuclear family often have more problems with having a good pool of role models, just because the pickings are so slim.

(Also might want to bear in mind that even with a male-female two-parent family, everyone enacts gender differently, so the idea that any two opposite-sex partners could some how model each sex in some way that would include every child's vast variations of sex and gender identity is flawed, if you follow me. That whole discussion falls apart unless we adhere to the obviously faulty notion that there is one set of gender roles, or that only a parent of a given sex can model positive gender expressions. It also falls apart when we acknowledge that many children in two-parent families to begin with -- let's remember how many kinds have single parents, of every orientation, as well as one or both parents who are absent -- have POOR same-sex parent role models, so just having a person of a given sex around doesn't mean positive modeling happens.)

And thanks for the props. I've heard a lot of insults in my day -- and I'm not perfectly resilient to every insult there is, mind -- but really, "anus" stopped being one for most of us around the time we were five, or for others, when they stopped being homophobic (because, as we all know, anuses have everything to do with gay men and anal sex and nothing to do with the fact that we've all got one and it's primarily used for another inescapable purpose).

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Djuna
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I had pulled up two of those links already actually; turns out it was in the third. [Wink] And now I think through it, what I was saying was pretty flawed.
I think, actually, I was far too young to know a word like 'anus' at the age of five. I don't know what they teach you in Washington. [Big Grin]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

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Heather
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Well, I've only lived here for a year and a half. [Smile] At five, I was living in Pennsylvania: we moved back to Chicago a year later.

But my mother was a nurse, and my father was home-schooling me pretty radically, so my language was pretty accurate pretty darn early. (Though, I was always sure that labia was pronounced la-BI-a, simply because it sounded prettier to me, a habit I couldn't break until my late twenties.) [Razz]

However, when I worked with Kindergartners, a lot of them knew lingo like this, though it was more often the word "poop" that would first be attempted as an insult from one to the other ("fart" was also a popular one), but ultimately, would usually result in a room full of children saying poop and doubled over in laughter. Jokes and insults aren't all that sophisticated at that age. You know the right words at that age, all you have to do is say one at the right time, and you're a bonafide stand-up comedian. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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