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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Gender Issues » I need someone to talk to

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Author Topic: I need someone to talk to
Sabrina Paige
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Member # 7256

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Hello.

I am very confused on what I should do with my life. I am a married 21 year old with a normal family and live in a small town in Pennsylvania. What is not so normal is the fact that I am transsexual.

My real first name is Bill, and ever since I can remember, I've always felt that I am supposed to be a girl. I'm pretty sure that I'm not gay, as I am attracted to women and not men, but I know that inside, I am a woman. I like to dress up like a girl, and have since the age of four. I don't do it for sexual pleasure...I do it because it feels right. I want to be able to be myself and not have to be ashamed. I want to be able to go out in the outside world wearing a cute skirt and a baby tee with my nails painted powder blue and pink lip gloss unashamed of how I look because I am a real girl. I want to be able to be who I really am, not a man in drag.

Unfortunately, when I told my wife about this, she told me that the idea of me even so much as wearing a pair of panties makes her want to throw up. I tried to explain what it means to be transsexual, but she is very homophobic, and wasn't the least bit supportive. Basically, she gave me a pair of panties that no longer fit her and said I could wear them when she isn't around, but that I had to fight off my feelings and basically "get over it".

My ex-girlfriend of three years was and is very supportive of me. She used to dress me up as a girl (at my request, at first) because she found it to be fun and cute. At the time, I still hadn't come to terms with the fact that I really am a girl trapped inside the body of the opposite gender. I just talked to her last night, and she is still supportive, as always.

I obviously have feelings for my wife, but she can't seem to accept me for who I really am. This all goes without mentioning my family, who would likely freak if they found any of this out. I just came to terms with it myself after 21 years. I don't know what I should do. Live my life as a man and continue being miserable, but with a wife and a family or risk everything in my life for a shot at happiness and living as the gender that I really am? Plus, I have no idea on how I would pass as a girl. It's not like my mom taught me how to do my makeup and my hair. And I would have to save up money for years before I could afford the final surgery.

I did A LOT of reading up on the matter, and if I were to go ahead with becoming a woman, I should probably start hormone therapy (estrogen & a testosterone blocker) soon, as its effects grow weaker the later in life you begin treatment.

Any thoughts, opinions, advice or anything else would be greatly appriciated. Thank you for reading my post. I just started a website as an outlet for what is going on in my life. If you would like to see it, it's at http://www.geocities.com/sabrina_paige_girl/ It's not completely finished yet, and the graphics take forever to load (Geocities seems to be getting slower every year), but the "about me" section is done, and I suppose that was most of the point of the website.

Take care, and thanks again.

- Sabrina

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There she goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.


Posts: 6 | From: Hazleton, Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rizzo
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Hey Sabrina,

I'm not sure if I can help, but I'll try my best. I'm a 20 yr old woman. When I was about 10, my dad changed sex, and I also have some transexual friends. They have had varying degrees of success in their "new lives"...

I'm generally supportive of transexualism, but I also think it's a shame that men can't just feel comfortable being "feminine" without having to have breasts and no penis. I'm sure you've already thought a lot about trying to live life as a man who also wears female clothing, and if you think you couldn't live with that, I respect your decision. But try not to rush into hormone therapy just because you fee a sense of urgency (e.g. it works better for younger men).

I can't tell you whether or not to stay with your wife-- but you're still young, and if you broke up you'd have plenty of time to recover. I also wonder if it can be healthy in the long run to stay with someone who doesn't accept the real you. I assume you don't have any children... if you didn't, that would be another thing to think about.

Anyway... I have a friend who transitioned when she was a couple of years older than you, and is now happy successful and beautiful (not that she wasn't before, but I digress). Best of luck to you!


Posts: 582 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
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Hi, Sabrina, and welcome to the boards!

I'm the partner of a 20-year-old pre-op MtF transsexual. She's currently living full-time as a woman, and will be starting on hormones in the next month or two.

Have you talked to a therapist yet? That's usually the first step for anyone who's considering SRS, and no matter what you ultimately decide, most people who are transsexual or transgendered find that working with a therapist who specializes in trans issues is very helpful. If you want, I can look around and see if I can find information about therapists in your area.

Unfortunately, your wife's reaction is a very common one. I know that has to be making this all a lot harder for you. Again, that's something that therapy can help with.

As for passing, my partner had a lot of the same concerns, and she had no idea how to do her hair or makeup or anything like that at first, but she did learn fairly quickly once I started teaching her the basic techniques. You said your ex-girlfriend is supportive -- if this is something you want to explore, why not ask her for some advice?

Going through full SRS is a lot of work, and it can be difficult for both you and the people around you, but if you really feel like it's the right thing to do, then I'd definitely encourage you to at least explore it a bit and see where it goes.
Best of luck, and feel free to post again anytime if you need/want to talk. We'll listen.

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sabrina Paige
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Member # 7256

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Thank you both very much for your replies.

I agree, Rizzo, that it is very unfortunate that a man cannot be feminine and accepted in this world. To be honest with you, though, even if they were, I would still want to have my gender corrected. I may have the other teams "equipment", but I know that I am all girl inside. And although I do feel a sense of urgency, I am going to take it slow and not rush into anything too quickly. This is a big decision, after all, and I am very worried about how my family would deal with it.

Kythryne, I wish my wife was half as supportive and open minded as you. I haven't talked to a therapist yet, but I hope to soon (I can't afford it at the moment). Unfortunately, I think that if I were to go through with hormone therapy and SRS, my wife would leave me. She would probably do the same if she found that I am still friends with my ex, much less have her help me in transitioning into a woman. I love my wife, but she's not the most open minded woman in the world. There are so many factors involved here. Do I live a lie for the sake of my marriage and an overall easier life or should I seek true happiness in the body of my true gender, yet lose some of the people I care about along the way?

Again, thank you very much for your replies. It's nice to be able to get some feedback...especially from people who have had this issue in their lives. I'll keep you posted (no pun intended) on how everything develops (again, no pun intended).

- Sabrina

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There she goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.


Posts: 6 | From: Hazleton, Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Rizzo
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Just some thoughts (not meant to discourage or confuse you)....

You say that even if feminine men were accepted, you would still want your sex changed. That may be so, but it's very hard to say how each of us would actually feel if we could all be as masculine or feminine as we pleased. Until that goal is achieved, I think transexuals serve an important role in making us realize that gender is not black-and-white simple...

Anyway, I guess I'm saying that your decision (either way) is totally valid, but there's nothing about the female body that is superior to the male body. As with any kind of major body alterations (e.g. breast implants for women), it's a good idea to see if you can accept your body as is, without having to listen to the dictates of society (e.g., big-breasted girls are sexier, or men can't wear dresses).


Posts: 582 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Aug 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sabrina Paige
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Don't get me wrong...I would much rather live in a world in which feminine men and maculine women were accepted and commonplace (reminds me of the song "Girlish Boy" by Momus). Even still, I would rather live in the correct body. I would rather live as the woman I know I am inside rather than as an accepted man in drag. I don't look at the female body or gender as being superior (or inferior). I just see it as the body of the gender of which I truly belong.

I've been trying to just accept the fact that I live in the body of a male and just make the best of it, but it's difficult at times. Then again, it's not easy to make the transition. I've long lived with the hope that I might someday be reborn as a female, but knowing my luck, I'd end up with the brain of a male :P

As it stands, I'm a girl in a man's body. A very confused, scared girl who is standing at a fork in the road.

There is a bit of good news, though. In the past two days, my wife has loosened up a lot, and seems to enjoy dressing me up as a girl in the bedroom and calling me Sabrina. She tells me now that it turns her on, and that she will allow me to express my femininity in the bedroom with her. I don't know if she has had a change of heart or is just humoring me. This is the same girl who once told me that she would probably vomit at the site of me wearing womens clothing. She has, however, begged me not to get a sex change, as she is attracted to men and she couldn't bare the thought of being married to a woman, not to mention her fear of our children being tortured in school for having a mom for a dad (we have no children and she is not pregnant, but if I ever was to have gender reassignment surgery, I would definately concieve a child with her and have my sperm frozen to have more children). She also wants me to keep my transsexualism between her and I and not to wear/do anything feminine around anyone else but her (ie- in public).

Well, we just rented Braveheart, so I'm going to wrap up this post. Thank you again, everyone, for your thoughts. I look foreward to chatting with y'all.

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There she goes. One of God's own prototypes. Some kind of high powered mutant never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.


Posts: 6 | From: Hazleton, Pennsylvania, USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
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That's really excellent news, Sabrina, and I hope things continue to work out for the two of you.

Have you ever seen the book "True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism -- For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals"? It's by Mildred Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley, and I can't recomemend it highly enough. It does a really excellent job of explaining transsexualism to people who don't understand it, and my partner and I found it tremendously helpful when we were trying to figure out how to deal with telling family members and friends and such.

Kyth

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Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sapphirecat
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Tonight I found out that someone I know is a post-op transsexual. If you have anything you want to ask her, I'd be happy to be a go-between.

Best of luck to you, whatever happens.

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Sapphire Cat
The world needs me, to know not everyone is the same.
Artist, poet, programmer, dreamer, and crossdressing bondage kitty


Posts: 235 | From: Louisville KY (St. Matthews) | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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