First off, I've always been attracted to guys. I always considered myself 'straight' and in a way I still think that I am, but I'm starting to really question that. I am best friends with a girl named Brittany and I can't help but want to become more than friends with her. It's not that I'm attracted to all girls all of a sudden...just her. I still like guys a lot too though. A part of me wants and hopes that she feels the same way, but then again I'm almost sure that she doesn't. I'm so confused!

Every minute that I spend with her, I'm happy...and when I'm not with her I can't stop thinking about her. She's even ended up in a few of my fantasies/dreams. I had this one dream only about a week or two ago, and in it, she pushed me up against a wall and lifted me up alittle and wrapped my legs around her waist. In the dream I gave her a really confused look and she said "I know we both want to." and then right afterwards we started making out. I'm starting to wonder if this would have any meaning that could pertain to reality...?

We've talked about lesbians and gays before, and she's said that she thinks it's wrong and both of us believe that it's not right and against God. (She's very religious.) When we've talked about that topic though, it's never really pertained to us...it was just something that came up that we ended up talking about. But I'm not sure if I feel the same anymore...I mean, if being gay would be against God, then why is it even a possibility!? If being gay were just about sex then I can see why it would be wrong, but if you can't help being gay because you really love someone...then it should be okay right? It's not my fault that I happen to love someone of the same sex as me!

We've been in situations before, that I couldn't help but wonder if it would be ok to kiss her. There's just so many reasons that I think if we ended up in a relationship it would be fine and completely right, but then again I can't see us ever working out. Both of our parents would be against it...especially hers. We once went to a concert thing at school and she mentioned that she wished this one guy that she had a crush on was there and she was like "or I could just pretend that you were him." and she put her arm around me. Ya know when you're really attracted to someone and any physical contact makes your heart beat really fast and your stomach twists into knots? Yeah, well that's what I felt like. I've dated guys before and the first time that that has ever happened was when I was with Brittany. Does that mean anything? When we were sitting there and she had her arm around me she took her arm out from around me and said that if I actually was a guy I should have *my* arm around her. So I put my arm around her and she put her head on my shoulder and then looked at me right in the eyes and for like a split second we were silent. (good thing it was dark in the auditorium thing because if the lights were on and anyone would've seen that...well, they probably would jump to conclusions) Anyways, then I think we both realized how weird that probably looked so we quickly separated and laughed it off like it was a big joke. But I just wish I could know if she feels the same way I do.

You seem to be asking if you should act on your feelings for your friend and honestly... no. She's expressed that she is not only not interested in the idea of lesbianism, but that she finds it repellant on a personal and religious level. If you really need her to know that lately you have been thinking about her as "more than a friend", then that's your decision to make, but think about what it could mean for your existing friendship and the future of your relationship. She's not interested, at least not right now. She seems to have fairly cemented feelings on homosexuality, and though you may disagree with them, it's hard to argue that they exist.

As hard as it is to be attracted to a straight friend (um, welcome to my world), it’s not realistic to expect her to instantly change her views to date you. If you want to start talking to her about the fact that you think you might like a girl and that you’re not sure that G-d is against homosexuality, that might be good for both of you, but your goal shouldn’t be to get her to a place where you two can kiss– at least not yet. She has a lot more to overcome before she can consider that, nd even if she comes to feel in her heart of hearts that there is nothing wrong with being gay, it doesn’t mean that she’ll necessarily be interested in you in that way.

Good luck.

------------------

quote:

---

Vagina is for lovers.

---

It's not so much that I'm confused about my feelings exactly, it's more so that I'm confused about her feelings and the whole thing in general I guess. (I'll try to explain that in case it didn't make any sense lol) Okay, it's like the way I believe she feels about me changes every day or... w/e. Yesterday was one of the type of days that it would've been hard to convince myself that she would be *against* being gay/liking me as more than a friend. She got really touchy feely towards me and in gym class we played football and I had gotten the ball but I had thrown it before she had gotten to me and she came running up to me and put her arms around me and sort of gave me this big hug and she was like "I'm gonna tackle you." and so I said "...but I already threw the ball." and she's like "I know, but I'm gonna tackle you cuz I love you." and she whispered that right in my ear. That's what gets me so confused! She likes to joke around but she usually doesn't joke around with me that much, and at first I was like 'okay, she's probably just kidding and she could be all touchy feely with other people too..' ya know? but she isn't..! at least not what I've seen. And as much as I wish that she wasn't kidding, I know that I can't exactly chance the fact that there's probably a bigger posibility that she is just joking around. And then today she wasn't as touchy feely and all that like she was yesterday... It's kind of weird. And really hard to understand any hints that she *might* be giving out.

One more thing. She said that she was against lesbianism/gays and stuff a while ago. Things can change. (I'm not going to get my hopes up just yet though) Anyways, I know she's very religious but I thought I was too, ya know? and the last time we talked about that I didn't exactly say what I actually thought and I mean...what if she was doing the same thing...? And I think that if we *do* actually *both* feel the same, I don't really think that either one of us would have enough courage to straight out tell the other person...*screams* Man this sucks! (lol) I'm trying not to let myself get too attatched or anything because that just wouldn't be good if it didn't work out. Hmm, one other quick note: last week or so, we were talking about love or something from this quote we heard in english class and I believe it was something along the lines of "It's better to love someone you can't have, than to have someone you can't love." and Brittany was trying to explain something and said "that would be like me being a lesbian. I *could* love that other person but then again I *couldn't* because my parents would be against it." and she was saying that she wouldn't be able to just because of her parents...nothing about God. And now when we talk about that she usually doesn't bring God into the conversation.

Like I said before, even if she feels the same things towards you, she's evidently not ready to act upon those feelings, or even to voice them. You'd probably be better off casting your net elsewhere-- with someone with whom you will have a better chance of a reciproical relationship.

Kelsey: Wow. I'm glad to find someone has gone through the same thing as me, almost.

I think I'm actually over this whole thing now though. I've learned a lot from this whole situation. I definately have a newfound respect for gays/lesbians, because I know what it's like to have feelings like that towards someone else who just happens to be the same sex as you. I still am kind of fighting with myself about the God issue...but I just try not to think about it.

Umm...just last week there were supposedly people trying to protest someone's funeral because they thought the person that had died was gay. My mom was talking to me and getting all defensive and saying things like "he wasn't gay!..he had a girlfriend!" and I started getting kind of mad at her because it was like it was horrible if he would've been gay and that he was a "good" person so there's no way he would have been gay. I just told her not to talk about it anymore because if he was gay, what would it matter? That was his choice to make not everyone else's and they should leave it alone.

Anyways...I've gotten over the fact that Brittany probably won't ever feel the same way about me as I do about her and that even if she did, she most likely wouldn't act on those feelings. It took me a while to accept that...but I've also come to realize that even if we did become to be more than friends and we would be open about our feelings toward each other (if that ever happened) I don't think I would be strong enough to be outted and to have everyone know. At least not where I live now. The only way I think I would feel somewhat comfortable about everyone knowing is if we both lived in a big city where no one knew us. And that's just not good either. But the fact of the matter, is right now, that shows no signs of happening so I'm letting go. No, I'm not saying that I don't still like Brittany that way, because well, I still really do, but as long as she's my friend I can be happy with that. I love and care about her so much and I definately know the meaning of the phrase "If you're happy, I'm happy." because that is exactly how I feel. I've come to see that Brittany's happy right now with the way things are...and so am I. We had gotten in a fight not to long before school ended and to show me how mad she was, she ignored me and basically acted as if we had never even been friends. That hurt. Soooo bad. It almost brings tears to my eyes now. I cried so much when it happened and when I saw her look at me and it wasn't the pleasant 'you're still my friend' look, I could literally feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. We've patched it all up though and having that happen made me realize how much I don't want to lose her...so if all we end up being is friends...I'm 100% okay with that.

There is still a tiny bit of hope left in me that I can't seem to get rid of...but oh well. It doesn't bother me every minute of every day anymore so I'll deal with it. lol

I have a friend who I've known since we were little kids, but we didn't actually become friends til about 8th grade. I just finished grade 11 and throughout last summer and this year we've become pretty good friends.. probably best friends.

Well, since last year (grade 10) we started getting closer and that was great. Ever since then, she's always been pretty touchy with me on some days and then less touchy on other days. And.. I doubt she's TRYING to hint anything.. but would she be doing this stuff just because? Or does she have some types of feelings and she is just doing this stuff because she feels comfortable? I probably don't make sense but.. yeah. Anyways, before I become even more vague.. I can explain some of those times when she's gotten really touchy. It started out with stuff like sitting in each other's laps or laying with her head on my lap or something, which didn't really mean much by itself. But, throughout this school year more stuff has happened. When we walked to classes together in the hallway, sometimes we would link arms, and sometimes she would grab my hand and we would hold hands all the way to the next class. Another day we were in a store in a mall and looking at clothes. I had my hands at my side, standing normally, and as she walked by she stroked my palm.. it drove me crazy! I tried walking away but she did it again so I gave in and held onto her hand. Right after that she went behind me and wrapped one of her arms around me and rested it on my stomach. There have been plenty of other times when we're at school, at home, etc. that she's done the wrapping her arms around me thing. Also, there have been many other times when I'm just sitting doing something and she'll reach for my hand and hold it. One day at lunch during the school year, she leaned over and kissed my cheek for no reason! And another time, she played the "closer" game or whatever it's called where you keep leaning in closer and closer to someone and asking if they're scared. Well she did it and came REALLY close so I turned away. Then as soon as I turned back to her she did it again and would have kissed me if I didn't turn suddenly to the side.. I didn't move because I didn't think she would come that close again!

I know all of this.. "behavior" might just mean she's really touchy feely or something, but I don't know if that's what it is or what. It's not just what she does, but the way she does it. Some of our friends have even said we seem like lesbians sometimes with the way we act towards each other. All the other stuff that I said happened isn't even all of it.. there are plenty of other little things too but I can't think of them all right now.

I know she's into guys too.. she is obsessed with famous guys and it's obvious by how she talks about them/acts when someone mentions them. However, whenever people mention someone else being gay or something, she always just says "I could never be gay because I like guys too much!"

emochickie7: *"Ever since then, she's always been pretty touchy with me on some days and then less touchy on other days. And.. I doubt she's TRYING to hint anything.. but would she be doing this stuff just because? Or does she have some types of feelings and she is just doing this stuff because she feels comfortable? I probably don't make sense but.. yeah."*

Actually...you make tons of sense. lol On some days Brittany would hardly take her concentration away from me because she was just goofing around and being all touchy (hugging me, putting her arm around me when we walk down the hall...lots more that I can't really think of right at this moment. After all, it is like 2 in the morning where I live. lol) But anyways, then on some other days I mean she would still talk to me but there would be not as much touching and the things she said weren't as easily translated into any form of innuendo. Okay, now I think I'm the one not making any sense. lol It didn't take long until I'd wake up every morning hoping for one of those really touchy feely days. But hey, can you blame me? (lol) There could be that small posibility that she could be hinting towards something but right now I think it's just what some people do. Kind of like a personality I guess. Ya know? It's like these people become really good friends with us (or to anyone else possibly for that matter) so I'm thinking that's just what they do when they feel really comfortable or something. Follow?

emochickie7: *"It started out with stuff like sitting in each other's laps or laying with her head on my lap or something, which didn't really mean much by itself. But, throughout this school year more stuff has happened. When we walked to classes together in the hallway, sometimes we would link arms, and sometimes she would grab my hand and we would hold hands all the way to the next class."*

Hmm, we've never really sat in each other's laps, or had each other's head in our laps. I guess a few times it maybe came close where either I or Brittany could have sat in each other's lap, but we both figured it'd look wierd so we just never did I guess. We were never much for holding hands either, but nearly any chance she got we were walking down the hall with our arms around each other's shoulders. That was always nice. I can't complain. OMG and this one time at one of our softball practices, it was freezing outside and I hadn't brought along a sweatshirt or anything because I was sure we would be practicing inside. Anyways, I was standing there in the field during one of our outfielding drills and I mentioned how cold I was and Brittany came over to me (she was wearing a nice warm sweatshirt), wrapped her arms around me and hugged me really close, and whispered in my ear, "I'll warm you up." (in a really seductively kind of raise-one-eye-brow voice) My mouth nearly dropped. Either that or I smiled really big. lol Well, turns out she didn't do very well at whispering because someone heard it and they were all like 'ewwww!' But as usual we just laughed it off...but it's almost like, why would she even say that? She must of thought about it before hand, because I mean you don't just impulsively walk up to someone and say that! Right? Oh well...

emochickie7: *"One day at lunch during the school year, she leaned over and kissed my cheek for no reason!"*

I once had a girl do that to me. It wasn't Brittany...wow, I think I would have died and went to heaven if *she* would've. Ahem...it was a girl on my softball team...I don't really remember why she did it but whatever I guess. lol I think she was bringing up the time when Brittany whispered that thing to me like I mentioned before. Yep. That would make sense.

emochickie7: *"And another time, she played the "closer" game or whatever it's called where you keep leaning in closer and closer to someone and asking if they're scared. Well she did it and came REALLY close so I turned away. Then as soon as I turned back to her she did it again and would have kissed me if I didn't turn suddenly to the side.. I didn't move because I didn't think she would come that close again!"*

I've never heard of that game before. Just curious...would you have cared if she kissed you? I was just asking because that kind of thing has happened to me too. We were in a class (she was sitting in front of me and I was leaning forward kind of) and she leaned back to look at me. We got to talking about something (can't exactly remember what) and then she looked me right in the eyes really close and even said, "kiss me..." As she moved closer I turned away so she wouldn't...but now that I think about it, WHY inthenameofeverythingholy would I have done that? There's no doubt that I wouldn't have wanted to, you know? But I still turned away so she couldn't. Umm...I apologize for that quick little rant thing. Maybe I'm not making much sense... *scratches head*

emochickie7: *"I just.. don't know what is going through her mind and if she even realizes what she is doing."*

Same here. I've even mentioned to her once how awesome it would be to be able to read minds. She gave me this weird kind of suspicious look that at the time I immediately turned it into something it most likely wasn't...but now I just pass it off that anyone could've given me a look like that.

Kelsey: *"She always wants to sleep with me holding her when i stay with her"*

Anytime I'd stay over at Brittany's house we'd usually end up sleeping really close. And then one time we ended up being the only two still awake and she rolled over onto where I was laying (we had all stayed on the floor in her attic) and kept touching me. I'm a really ticklish person so she immediately thought it was like a game (lol) and then, she ended up touching my boobs and she used the excuse that she couldn't really see because she had taken her contacts out and her glasses weren't on. Okay, what really frustrates me right now kind of, is that I was just so nervous when she was doing that or w/e so I never really gave into it. I mean I was laughing and whatnot, but if I would have showed more of an interest and tickled her back or something would something else have happened?? Would she have felt *more* comfortable with some stuff?? IDK...It's so confusing.

Kelsey: *"But she says she's not gay, so what am I suppose to do? nothing?"*

Okay...I'm probably not the best one to be giving out that kind of advice. Considering the fact that I'd almost want you to talk to her more and maybe ask her to give it a shot. Just to see, ya know? And that probably isn't a good thing to do...but since I'm just a bit curious as to how that would turn out...that's what I would tell you to do. Again, please don't listen to that...unless you really truly want to because I'd hate for it to go over bad and have it be my fault because I told you it would be a good idea. So, otherwise...I'm completely lost on that one. That's still one of my questions.

hayley_loves_ya: *"saying things like "awh u no u like it" in a joke way if she does sumfin"*

Exactly. The whole, "you know you want to/like it" phrase. Very familiar with that one.

hayley_loves_ya: *"I am mean tto b answering your problems and got caught in my own sorry i hope my advice at the start of the post was helpful."*

Don't worry about it. Sometimes hearing all about other people's stories helps put your own into different perspectives. It was helpful. Thanks.

Wow, this is sooooooo long. haha and I am way tired right now. I should really be going to bed, but I had to post on this. I also kind of have a new problem. Okay, just this last weekend Brittany went to a party at a guy's house. It wasn't really a party...it was only her, two guys, and one of her other friends (girl). (I don't really like that other girl, but I'm not going to get into that...that's a whole 'nother problem...trust me.) Anyways, today she called me up and was telling me the whole story and said that she had made out and whatnot with the one guy that was there that she likes. They were all drinking I guess...and when Brittany was tellling me this she was like, "Oh yeah, I kind of made out with someone else too." I was just silent, then she said, "I'll give you a hint. There were only 4 people there and it wasn't with the other guy." My mouth dropped and I shouted the girls name. (SHE MADE OUT WITH A GIRL!!) :O It's normal for me to feel jealous right? I mean, they just did it because they thought it was funny or whatever at the time and because both the guys were watching so...you do the math. (lol) ...and then I have to sit and listen to that?! When I'm the one who really wanted to in the first place!??! (She never knew that...nor she probably never will...but still!) *hmph* .........any thought's on that one?

In a way, I am kind of mad at that whole situation, but then again maybe this is what I need to finally be able to have the chance to talk to her about it. I still think she's straight, but then if I think about it maybe she could be questioning everything. She had called me yesterday a little before noon and we were just talking about various stuff. Then all of a sudden she said, "we should go out to eat somewhere." I asked her where, and she mentioned the chicken place that the one guy works at that she likes. I said, "sure, you just want to go there so you can see him. I see how it is." (jokingly) Then, she said, "Well, yeah I want to see him, but seriously, I want to see you too." I told her thanks and that I wanted to see her also, but I probably wouldn't be able to go into town for lunch, but I thought I had to go into town later for something with my mom so if I was going to, I told her I'd call her. Then she said, "Your mom could always drop you off at my house, so then she could run her arrands while you stay here." I told her I wished I could but I had to go over to my grandma's to help clean and basically I had to be along the whole time. She almost seemed disappointed. We talked a bit more and then hung up. My mom and I got ready a little later and before we left I called Brittany. I told her I was coming into town and we had to go to a few places first but then I'd drop off her cd that I had burned for her a few days ago. She said that'd be great. When I got to her house I went inside and gave her the cd. (She looked great by the way...now I know why I miss school so much already, because during the summer I hardly see her but during school I get to see her at least 5 days a week.) We talked for a bit and she showed me some pictures that we had taken together not too long ago. My mom was outside talking with her dad and her brother and sister were in the kitchen so it was just us alone in the living room. She then walked over by the stairs (her and her sisters bedroom are up there) and said, "I thought I had to tell you something else but now I can't remember." I followed her up the stairs and when we got to her room it all seemed really awkward. And no one really said anything and she kept looking at me like she wanted to say something but then soon she just said, "...Let's see what songs are on this cd." Now that I think about it I regret not saying anything. Maybe not something very serious or anything, but a simple, "what's on your mind?" or "did you want to say something?" would have worked. *smacks forehead* It's too late now, but I'm still going to call her today sometime and ask her about the kissing thing. Thanks for the advice hayley_loves_ya! I'll be sure to do that.

hayley_loves_ya, I understand what it's like to feel as if the situation isn't getting anywhere. The only thing I can tell you is just give it time. Things evolve with time and maybe they don't always evolve the way you want them to but I believe that everything happens for a reason.

emochickie7, you're not a dork. lol I've thought that same thing before. ('maybe if I put my arm around her more often...' or 'I could hug her more...")

you cannot help how you feel. my suggestion is to go with it. ive been there a few times, but its just fantasy for me. like i like thinking about it, but it really doesnt work for me.

that may or may not be your case, but either way good luck!

------------------
The preceeding has been a message from the desk of Punchy, otherwise known as the Punchmaster Jay, Kain, Prince of Wrath, Angel of Fury, and Loyal Guardian of His Omnipotence.

quote:

---

Originally posted by emochickie7:
Lol ILoveRyan, you have no idea how glad I am that I found this message board, and, more importantly, this thread.

---

Well, I have a story for you all. (I'm going to post it in 2 posts because this thing isn't working and I'm seeing if it'll work if I do that)...Friday, Brittany and I went to our freshman softball coach's wedding. That was fun. When I got to her house she was all dressed up and I was literally like and ...anyway, afterwards we went back to her house and her mom, dad and little brother had left. Me and Brittany were standing in her kitchen and she looked out the window and noticed that the other van was gone. She smiled at me and was like, "It's just me and you, and my younger sister. She's upstairs so she's not gonna pay any attention to what we're doing." Of course my minds going crazy thinking "OMG. What are we going to do??" Well, not a minute later her mom came back and said we were going out to eat if we were hungry and that her dad and brother were already at the restraunt.

Oh I forgot to mention something else from when we were at the wedding! Okay, before it started and everything we were just sitting there talking and she was constantly like whispering to me. And she was sitting really close so when she'd whisper in my ear I could feel her breathing on my neck and...sorry. I'm done blabbing.

Brittany: So, you wanna do something tonight?
Me: (I knew what she meant by 'something') Like what?
Brittany: You wanna makeout with me? (she didn't sound serious)
Me: (I didn't want to sound overly eager lol) If you want to.
Brittany: (as she's unzipping the tent) You're my only other option right now.

Well, we set up in the tent and goofed around for a while. She was laying right next to me (we were both lying on our backs) and she outstretched her arm so it was laying over my chest. She asked me if it bothered me. I said it didn't because I was used to it, since just about everytime I stay the night she ends up laying on me. (lol) She moved her arm off of me and then it wasn't much later that we were both laying on our sides facing each other. She had said something about the guy that she liked and I made a comment about her being more obsessed with him than I was over Ryan Seacrest. (and that's a lot lmao...look at my s/n) So then she said, "well, if you had done stuff with Ryan I'm sure you'd be just as obsessed as I am." Then, somehow we got on the topic again of her always ending up really close to me when I sleep over and she moved really close to me and said, "that's just 'cause I'm dreaming....So don't be surprised if I do this." and she moved closer so we were touching and she put her arm around me. Then, she said, "...or if I do this." and she took her hand and like rubbed her thumb on my cheek and like held my face in her hand. Do you all know what I'm talking about? I was just like OMG! lol But then all of a sudden she took her hand away and was like "just kidding." and by that time we were both laughing. Then, we were both like playing footsie with each other under the covers and she was rubbing my leg with her foot and (I think this happened before everything else..but) she gave me a "finger massage" I was under a blanket and she was tickling my feet so I had wiggled away and then we were both laying really weird and she was reaching towards me and ended up finding my hand through the blanket and was like holding it and massaging my fingers. It felt really good too. Then, I was just like "what. are. you doing?" lol and she was like "giving a finger massage."

In other news, I have no news!

I swear if Brittany makes one more reference or suggestion about kissing me, making out with me, or anything along those lines, I'm just going to say yes and not care what her reaction is. lol Okay, I had gone swimming with a friend and then decided to go to the movies with her on Friday. While we were still at the lake I checked my cell phone and saw that Brittany had called. She had also called my other friend and while I was checking the message that Brittany left me, my friend called her. She talked with Brittany for a while and then handed the phone to me. I asked her if she wanted to go to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (she was thrilled and said yes) and then later while I was at my other friend's house one of her friends called and wanted to go to the movies. I said I didn't care because I have learned through experience that 4 friends is better than 3. No one gets left out. Trust me, it's just a good idea. Well, when we got to the movie theater Brittany and the other girl were already there. Me and Brittany sat next to each other (of course) and she had crossed her left leg over her right and I did just the opposite so whenever one of us would move we'd end up touching each other's foot. I didn't care but I wanted to mention it to see what she'd say. Well, one time after she bumped my foot I said something along the lines of, "jeez Brittany, quit playin' footsie with me." (very jokingly/flirty of course) and she like touched my foot again (on purpose) and said, "but I like playing footsie with you." (problem: she never sounds serious when she says it...it's always jokingly and if she's not very clear she always adds the whole "just kidding! lol" at the end.)

Well, if you get a chance to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, do it! lol I love that movie! Anyways, in the movie Willy Wonka says "You're weird" a lot and I thought that was hilarious and so did Brittany, so when the movie was over and we were just about going to get up I leaned towards Brittany and said, "you're weird" in Willy Wonka's voice and she turned and said the same thing back to me in almost a whisper. Sorry, I just thought that was cool. *ahem* So, then we all got in my other friend's car, and I wanted to sit up front but Brittany did too so then I was just like, "oh well, the back seat's better anyways" lol Then, my other friend was up front talking on her cell phone while we were all still parked. I'm not sure how we got talking about it again but the girl that I was sitting in the back seat with mentioned something about the back seat being for making out and all of a sudden Brittany turned around, peeked over the seat, and said something like "ooooo! Do it!" and I was like "omg Brittany! (laughing) you just want to watch." and well, then my friend was talking to her ex boyfriend (whom I've made out with not too long ago) and he was on his way home and said that'd it'd take him an hour. Brittany got on the phone then and told him that if he could make it back in 30 minutes he could have his first fivesome. haha That was soooo my idea. lol I was only kidding but w/e I guess. We waited for him to get home at my other friend's house. While us 4 were out on the deck of her house Brittany asked me if Matt (the guy's name) was a good kisser. I just smiled and said I refused to have that discussion lol. Then after a few things were said Brittany had said something about her being a good kisser. Then, she said "or so I'm told." (The girl she made out with had told her afterwards that she was.) Then, she looked at me and like winked and said, "I could prove it to you." I just laughed because I didn't know what else to do because I figured she was kidding so I then I just said, "I think I'll take youknowwho's word for it." Well, then when Matt got there he gave me and Brittany a ride to his house. (The other two followed in a different car.) I sat in the back and Brittany sat up front again. She never stopped turning around to look at me! Well, then when we got to his house I guess Matt's parents didn't know he was going to have 4 girls over so he asked us to stay in the car while he 'explained'. I can't remember what Brittany and I said to each other while we waited but when we got out and followed the rest into the house Brittany asked me something about making out again. I was this close to saying, "If you keep asking me, one of these times I'm going to say yes." I should've but it's too late now. We all just talked for an hour in his basement and then when we were leaving, I walked out the door first and Brittany followed. Everyone else didn't come out right away and while we were walking down the steps Brittany said, "I could so grab your a-- right now." I don't know what I said, but when I thought about it afterwards I wished I would've said, "Then, why don't you?" but again, w/e I guess. lol

But anyways...(I'll try to make this quick.)

I went to the fair. Brittany was there of course and she wasn't very 'cuddlely' like I was hoping she would be but it was still fun spending time with her. Then, later while we were walking around (we were with a few other people) and everyone got on the subject on how small I am. I'm pretty short...so I get that kind of thing a lot. lol Then, next thing I know, Brittany comes up behind me, puts her hands on my shoulders and like starts massaging them, and said something like "I love my little Chrissy." (Chrissy's my nickname) That was nice.
Then, (skipping to the last day/night of the fair), Brittany was supposed to go home at around 5 with her family but wanted to stay and hang out with me and a few other friends. I volunteered my mom to give her a ride home. I knew it'd be no big deal. By 7 most of the rides/food stands were closed and everyone else found other stuff to do and left. The guy that Brittany liked/probably still does had pretty much played her and when he walked by and stopped to talk with the same people we were talking to, he didn't even smile at Brittany. She was pissed not just because of that but also because one of the slutty freshman girls was hanging out with that guy and yeah. So then we just left and walked around with each other for a while and Brittany asked me if she could use my cell phone to call her other friend (the one that I don't like, and the one that she made out with) I told her "sure, why not." and then said I couldn't believe I was about to let her call her and then before I could go on Brittany said, "It's 'cuz you love me." All I could say was "I know." Well, her other friend ended up coming to the fair with one of her other friends...so it was us 4 making a huge loop around the closed down fair, them 3 talking, me keeping my mouth shut feeling way more than awkward. Before Brittany's other friend had got there she asked me if I would be mad if she left with her other friend to go to Taco Bell (to try and find the guy she likes). I didn't say anything and then she said she wanted an honest answer. I told her I wouldn't be mad and before I could finish she said "...more disappointed." (we've been down that road before. ::haha:: ) She said I could come along and I said my mom definitely wouldn't allow that since she was there watching the tractor pull with my dad and then the fact that my mom already told me I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or do anything that had to do with [Brittany's friend]. Brittany said 'oh' and then asked me if I thought my mom would be mad if she left to go somewhere with her friend. I said there's always a possibility but otherwise I don't know. Anyways, when her friend left Brittany stayed with me. I was actually surprised in a way I guess, but w/e. Then, when my mom, dad, and I gave Brittany a ride home she asked me if I would give her a call when I get to my house. I told her of course if she really wanted me to. She said as long as it was before 10 I could go right ahead. As soon as I got in the door I called her and we ended up talking for nearly an hour. We were mostly just reminising about how we met and how we probably went to the same birthday parties when we were little kids but never even really knew each other exsisited until 8th grad (me) and 9th grade (her). She said she even remembered seeing me on the open house day before the first day of h.s. in the art room and said she tried talking to me but when I didn't say anything she just thought I didn't like her or something. Some where in there I told her I appreciated that she didn't ditch me to go with her other friend. She said she didn't want to ditch me besides the fact that she didn't think her friend would let her ditch me. We both ended up getting kind of teary eyed and then she said that in a week she might be leaving to visit with her cousin a few states away for two weeks. I told her it'd probably be a good idea since it would give her a break from all the drama going on here. She said she understood where I was coming from and then said "but I'm going to miss you so much." I almost broke down crying right then and there! After I got myself together I told her that I'd miss her too. (it would be long distance so there wouldn't be any phone calls or anything) Then, she said that her cousin has a computer w/ internet so we could probably talk on msn or something. If she decides to go on that trip she'll be leaving this next Monday...and this weekend she'll be at a wedding. I don't know when I could say goodbye but it will happen. ::tear::
Oh yeah, today on the phone she wanted me to call the guy she liked to ask him "wtf?!" basically but I told her she should. Any other time I would, but this time I think it'd be best if she did. She understood and then said "I.....can't do it." I told her of course she could. Then, she said, "okay. I'll do it for you...and Mike (friend from over seas who she was/still is totally in love with)" I said "wow, I feel special now, you named me *before* Mike." (I was honestly flattered) And she said "You are special." (flattered again) ::sighs::

Sorry, it's so long again. I get carried away sometimes, I know it. lol

Lol, sorry about the lack advice from my end. It's just that, I really don't know what to do for most of these things, which is why I'm in a similar boat.

That's about it.

I'm not sure why it tore me up so bad when she said she'd miss me so much. I mean, like in a way I was sad for some reason. I don't know why exactly...probably the whole reminising thing. And then in another way I was sooooo happy. Because when she said that and how she said that made me feel like, for the first time, I felt that she honestly felt the same way towards me as I do about her if not more. It's so weird/confusing. Like, I knew I'd miss her but the way she said that just...made me feel like how much I could miss her was only a small thought or something. Hmm...I realize I'm probably not making much sense. lol Sorry. It's late again and my mind's just running nonstop.

Well, there isn't many updates for me. *MumblesWowthat'safirstMumbles* lol Brittany called me today and only talked for about two minutes or so...she just wanted to let me know that she was going to be up at the lake swimming the rest of the afternoon. Oh yeah, and check out my love horoscope from msn.com for today:

*August 5, 2005*
This could be a day when you feel just how sensitive you are. You could be tempted to draw your protective shell around you, and hole up in your den of cynicism, refusing to come out for anybody. However, you can't stay like that forever. Somewhere along the line you have to make a move. If you can just risk coming out in the open, things may resolve far more quickly.

Interesting...**rubs chin**

*August 7, 2005*
Sometimes you just have to speak up for what you need and believe in. It is no good hoping that everyone is going to be psychic, able to see into the heart of your deepest being. Your most romantic ideals and inclinations need to be aired. Don't sit there waiting in vain. You have to take action. Otherwise you will end up floundering in a sea of frustration.

I talked to Brittany tonight (finally) and we ended up talking for well over an hour. She really wants to go away for two weeks and I'm honestly happy for her and hope she does get to, but now her parents aren't sure because they would have to drive really far to pick her up and whatnot. So she's not really sure if she can even go now...and I don't know. Whatever happens I guess.

This. Is. Rough. The last I heard anything of Brittany was last Sunday. (The Monday before she was supposed to leave.) That night she told me she wasn't even sure if she'd be able to go, and if she didn't, she'd give me a call the next morning, and she'd still try to even if she did end up going, but no guarantees. She never called...so I was left to assume she had gone. Let's see...what day was it? Yesterday I think. I was feeling curious or w/e so I called Brittany's house and her dad answered. He told me what I already knew...that she was in another state and wouldn't be back for another week or so.

Well, you know how I said we'd probably be able to keep in touch through IM or email?...Yep. Well, I don't think she was able to do any of that...not yet anyways. I think I'm going insane. Well, okay maybe not that far...but I am something. (lol) All I know...is when she comes back I am so asking her if she wants to do something with me...anything. I'll even go to her house just to hang out for 10 minutes. I don't really care...lol. I miss her so much. I can't wait to see her.

Just had to get that out. Sorry.

Um, I really hope I didn't break some rule by doing that. =/

[Actually we ask that you do not post IM names or email address for everyone's safety so I edited it out. Please use the boards to communicate instead.]

[This message has been edited by emochickie7 (edited 08-14-2005).]

I don't really understand your situation much...but I think I do understand what you mean by "re-examine". And I think I get what you're saying about getting upset over stupid things. Maybe it's not the same thing as in my situation but...idk

I was hoping to hear something from Brittany at least during the weekend but it's already Sunday and nothing. I keep thinking about the "reunion" and when she gets back, how happy and relieved I'll be...but then I realized I have at least a whole 'nother week to go before that even happens. Wow.

Okay...I was just sitting by the computer last night checking my email or something...I don't even remember anymore lol...then the phone rang. My mom looked at the number weird so I knew it was someone we didn't know. My mom says hello and then makes a really weird face and says my name as kind of a question and hands me the phone. I answer it and right away I knew who it was..BRITTANY!! I was honestly so happy to hear her voice and be able to talk to her that I almost started crying (happy tears of course) on the phone...but I didn't because I think she'd just think that was weird. She had called from her uncle's cell phone and we couldn't talk long. I just explained to her how to check her email since her cousin didn't have any type of IM thing. She said I should email her or something and I told her I already did and whatnot...and somewhere in all the fast paced talking she said "Oh my God, I miss you soooooooo much." She said it almost like a whisper and of course I told her I missed her too. That made me so happy! Like you have no idea! lol And then last night after we hung up we were trying to email back and forth for a while and in at least have of the emails she sent, at the end she'd say something like "I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" with a said face and then "I love you!!" *sigh*

This afternoon we had a little back and forth email conversation for an hour or more...but emailing is tons slower than IMing so...it wasn't the greatest lol, but it was still better than nothing of course. She's coming home on Sunday! THREE DAYS!!! WH0000000T!!! lol and! I don't have to work that day! I'm so gonna call her if she doesn't already call me. ...yay.

Um.. as for me, my friendship, I still feel like my heart isn't in it as much as it used to be, but last night we had a long talk just about random stuff, and it was nice.

But.. I do think that my confusion about her actions is wearing away. She still sometimes acts like she used to, but not nearly in as many "extreme" (not really EXTREME but yeah) ways as she used to.

We used to say I Love You to each other at the end of phone calls...and now it's like all the time in school. She's always the one to say it first, but...who knows if that means anything. :s

Get this, one day I was at work, and Brittany walked in and gave me a list of songs to check out and said Hi and stuff. I had planned to ask her if she wanted to do anything that night, since it would be the only open time for a while (for me anyways) ...like I wanted to go over and maybe stay over at her house for the night. But, then I totally forgot about it...until she had already left. I also forgot to give her something that she had wanted so I figured I could just call her up on my 30 minute lunch break and maybe ask her about the night and stop over or something then. Well, I get on my break, get out to the car, and guess what? Dumb ol' me, left my cell phone at home. I couldn't talk to her. I wanted to go over to her house or something because I was seriously thinking about telling her about everything. Yes, that's right everything. It bugged me the rest of the time I was at work because I was only able to think about it. I had one of those "feelings". Like where you just "know" that it'll all be okay. It was so weird. But I couldn't tell her, and then when I finally got home at around 11, she was sad because the guy she had "liked" was being an *** as usual...and then, as much as I wanted to tell her 1. I was talking to her over the phone and if (when..) I ever tell her I want it to be in person and 2. she was reallllllllly down about her guy situation and I didn't want to...take "advantage" at that. I just let her know that if she wanted to talk about it at all, she could call me, no matter what time of night it was. She said that she didn't want to burden me/take it all out on me though; she said that she knows I care a lot and want to help but that she'd feel bad if that's all we'd end up talking about and if she put it all on my shoulders. I told her I wouldn't mind.

BUT ANYWAYS...lol...I need to get some sleep and I'll respond to Kalye880's last post next time I get a chance to be online. Right now I'm too tired and I need to get some sleep. Tomorrow's picture day. And I don't want to have droopy eyes. LOL

About your cell phone thing.. that's weird! You're about to say something, but once again something gets in the way. But good idea about not telling her on the phone that night considering her guy thing.

As for me.. I think we (our friendship) is doing better. I'm still worried that I'm acting different, and that she is still feeling upset. Argh. I used to have basically the same exact schedule as her last year, but this year I only have like 4 classes with her.. except I can only really talk to her during lunch. Apparently we both miss each other so that's good lol.

I hope your pictures turn out great!

quote:

---

Originally posted by Kalye880:
I am just curious and have followed this thread since it was started. Everytime you are alone with Brittany you seem to be all fluttered and stuff and I guess I am confused. What do you really want from all of this. Do you want it to be like a movie and you and Brittany are all alone and start kissing and making out and find yourself's making love to each other or what ? You keep going to where you finally get alone and it never has gone anywhere from there. I feel if you do not plan on taking a serious move on here you really need to take your feelings and emotions and direct them to a cute guy who you can have a future and family with.

---

Anyways, I forgot to mention something last night. It's nothing too important, but a couple days ago Brittany was saying I love you to me and I said it back but she was giggling for a different reason so when I said it back I was still laughing from before, so it probably sounded like I was just kidding or something. Well, then she said, "Don't say things you don't mean!" (just jokingly of course) but I had to defend myself and was like "Of course I meant it!" and in my head I was thinking 'you have no idea.' (LOL) But other than that little non important tidbit not much else happened lately. My horoscope told me I should be ready for a surprise on Friday. Friday's the football game for school, Brittany's going, so is the cute guy that I mentioned before...so who knows what'll happen. lol

That's good to hear that your friendship is doing better, emochickie. I do get what you mean by not having as many classes with your friend because last year, Brittany and I practically walked each other to every one. They were all the same for the most part, but now I only have 2 classes with her (out of 7) but we still have lunch together and talk enough. So it's still all good. And that is good that you both miss each other too, in a way. lol Brittany's always saying how she wishes she had that class with me and this class with me. So at least I know I'm not the only one thinking about it.

Okay, now I should quickly explain something. lol One day this last week, Brittany and I were walking down the hall, and she told me her leg itched. And then she asked me "Can you scratch my leg?" I burst out laughing because she said it so funny like (idk lol) and then I said "Well, that all depends on where exactly on your leg itches because of how bad that could look in front of all these people." We were both laughing by then, and she said it was her left leg, in the back behind her knee. I was on her right side, so I would've had to reach over and she was wearing a long skirt so no one would really be able to tell that I was just scratching behind her knee, so I said, "Uh...no. (laughing) You know I would gladly do it but that would look way too bad in front of everyone in this hallway." Then, she said, "Well, fine, but I would scratch your leg if you needed me to." (still laughing) So anyways, that is our little catch phrase now.

Well, I was already weak last Monday, and that was just the beginning of the week, so I knew by Friday I'd be one hurtin unit lol. Tuesday and Wednesday I weightlifted a lot so my arms and legs were so sore, they still are. lol and Thursday I got that lovely monthly woman thing [/sarcasm] lol so I had cramps and that Thursday I had to work and I wore these icky shoes so my back ended up aching. So by Friday...like I expected, I was in no shape to do anything. lol But I knew that if I was with my friends and (Brittany mostly), I wouldn't think about that as much and I'd be able to have fun. Well, Brittany and I have been really ESP-ish lately...like we both start singing the same song out of the blue all the time, she can say something the same time I do, and we keep joking around that we can read each other's minds. lmao. How freakay would that be!? Well, we got to the game and I knew how she would answer this one question so I just had to ask her. I said "my leg hurts." (sort of a knock-off of the 'my leg itches'...ahem) Then, as I expected, she said "Would you like be to rub it for you?" I said, "Well, the fact that that would look really bad in front of everyone, I'd have to say no." (we both laughing again) She asked me something else, I think it was somewhere along the lines of "if we weren't in front of everyone would you let me..." don't quote me on that though. And I had said 'yes'. All during the game she was cuddly and whatnot. Then, we were sitting down for a few seconds, because we were normally standing to watch the game, and I totally made it up because my leg didn't itch, I just wanted her to touch it. lol Shame on me, I know. So I said, "Can you scratch my leg?" and She asked "where?" I pointed somewhere by my knee and she scratched it. Then, we got talking about chapstick or something because Amanda had asked if I had any. And me and her acted out that scene from Napolean Dynomite. She asked me if she could use my chapstick and I said 'no', so then she said "but my lips hurt real bad" So I gave her my chapstick and blah blah. And I knew that Brittany was going to add something to that little conversation. I don't know why, but I just did. Two seconds later, she turns to me and says "My lips hurt real bad...can you make them feel better?" My mind kind of blanked out around that point so I'm not sure what all happened and in what order but I do know that I didn't "help her lips feel better." lol I'm pretty sure I asked her how she'd like me to do that and she said, "kiss them." and I believe I said 'yes' because I told myself that if she asked me about kissing her at all I was going to say 'yes' just to see what would happen. Well, I'm not really sure, if she would have actually kissed me or not...because I think she was pretty serious. If I hadn't turned closer towards Amanda (more kind of joking-like, in a kind of sarcastic "oh no, don't kiss me") I'm almost pretty sure she would have kissed me. Because she didn't back down. She kept saying stuff like "C'mon, they really hurt." Well, that was the main highlight of the evening, but I'm pretty sure there was more I just can't think of it right now. Probably because I have that image in my mind. Sorry.

Lastly, on the way home, I was saying I was so tired and my voice was sore (from yelling and screaming and cheering) and that I could fall asleep. I was hoping Brittany would say something like "Well, then lay your head on my shoulder" or something, but she didn't. But she went to say something about...(I'll call her Katy for now...the girl that she had made out with/her other friend/the one I don't like too much.) She said "Katy tried..." and then trailed off because we were listening to the football stats on the radio. They didn't end until later and then when I asked her about what she was going to say, she said she couldn't remember. I didn't think she would. I was in the middle seat, Amanda was at my left, Brittany on my right, and I heard her nails scratching at her leg...and I was going to say something but I knew she would so, as usual, 2 seconds later she stops scratching and asks, "Can you scratch my leg?" It was dark so I was trying to see and I asked where. She pointed to her thigh closest to me and I began scratching. She said up, down, little bit more...trying to get me to the right spot, then all of a sudden she's like "Oh, right there! Harder Harder!" and I was like "Okay, now it's just getting weird." All 3 of us were laughing at that point so then, I asked her to scratch my leg, and she did. Then, as we were listening to the radio, I kept staring forward and I could see Brittany looking at me from the corner of my eye! She didn't stop. She would turn forward for a bit, then play with her hair and look at me, I wanted to turn and look at her but I wasn't sure what to do exactly. We dropped her off a bit later and that was that.

Do you ever get that feeling that someone wants to tell you something or just say something, but you don't know what to say either? And all they do is sit quietly? Oh well. Maybe I'm just going insane now. Who knows?

I definitely agree with needing some time alone together! I'm near positive that something would happen if it was just us two; such as if I were to spend the night at her house. ::nods:: Maybe I could stay over next Friday, like I could tell her that the only way my mom will let me go to the football game is if I can stay over somewhere...eh? OMGosh! I so wish we could find an erotic movie with two girls in it and watch it together, but 1.) we're only 16 so that part of the movie rental place is kind of 'restricted', and 2.) we don't really have any where to watch it. Oh yeah, plus I'd want it to be 'casual' if that makes any sense lol. So I was thinking maybe American Pie 2? The two girls make out in that one...and Brittany's never seen it. It's an idea. ::shrugs::

Quick question for anyone who can answer it...I think it was emochickie that mentioned it, but I'm not sure (sorry.) It's about the "Closer" game. How exactly do you play it because I was thinking about doing that with Brittany...you know, just cuz. But I didn't want to sound like an idiot when I didn't even really know what to do, only what the name was.