Well I decided to start my own little online diary! I have to go to work in less than an hour though! I just got out of this depressive mood that I got myself into, I can be sooo weird! lol Well right now I'm hoping to get an answer to a question before I go to work, so I'm just looking around and posting. But I decided to post here, b/c I'm really excited! Kind of happy with myself. Sometime or another I turned Mentor. I'm guessing it's not GIVEN to you by the staff but rather you get it by how many posts you have done. I've done almost 40 so far. But it's really quite nice that I'm a Mentor now instead of an advocate..though I still see myself as an advocate from time to time, like when I'm the one asking for help and not giving it. But oh well. This is a nice change of attitude for me I'm probably going to put my poems on here sometime. I write pretty good poems. I've got about 5 or 6 of them! They get better every time I write one! Well I'm gonna go see if I've been answered so I can rest at ease....*sigh* Talk to you all later *waves fair-well*
Oh yeah hehehe neophyte..WOOOPS I work at Hardee's or it might be called Carl Juniors, It depends on where you live. But I work frontline and am getting quite good with people. Though I do have my days if you know what I mean! Hey I just started listening to Trance music and the such! It's pretty cool! I like Keoki's "me" song...though it has some ummmmm questionable content in the lyrics. heehheee it's definately not a song for EVERYBODY. Well I wanted to let Everyone know why I'm SOO happy lately! Not to long ago I found out my friend was in trouble! But I could not get a hold of her! I felt terrible, verge of breaking down, but I talked to Ms Scarlet, she's a Real cool chica. and well she got me thinking straight pretty quickly. Well I heard from her last night and am SOOOOO happy! She's fine now, though she wasn't before. But now she got the message that I DOO care SO much about her! Which also made her feel pretty good I was SOO jumpy last night because of that! It makes me SOOO happy! My friend is OK! YAY! lol One less thing for me to worry about Now I just got to see her again so we can hang out! Well that's basically all I have, oh except hmmm When should I start posting poems? Should I do it on here or somewhere else on the boards(or at all) There my OWN poems so....yeah. But I'm really proud of them and well, my inspiration for my best poems came from that SAME friend that was in trouble
------------------ "The elections' like a box of choclates, You never know who your gonna get" -The Mirror
thanx a bunch for that article....made me feel a bit better. -Becky
------------------ * No man/woman is worth your tears and the only one who is, will never make you cry. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ If you love someone, put their name in a circle, instead of a heart, because hearts can break, but circles go on forever. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~* If all my friends were to jump off a bridge, I wouldn't jump with them, I'd be at the bottom to catch them.* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Posts: 161 | From: Kenosha, Wisconsin, USA | Registered: Jun 2000
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Well, I'm just totally messed up right now... I just got back from my Youth group party, now I should be smiling and all happy, but all of a sudden I got REALLY depressed! and that's where I am now, chowing down on all the choclate I have. I feel so yucky and worthless. It sux so bad. I wish I could call my friend but I got home too late She could make me feel better...oh well this sux. God I ughh....I'm just venting on here, of course, like always, I'll be okay in the morning, hopefully we get snowed in from school. That would be so great. Cause I don't got my homework done and am not about to finish it, not in the shape I'm in. I feel like the craps right now, like really lonely, I wish 1 girl would she that I'm a friend, but whatever. I feel so ******* worthless, *sigh* later
*those that read this, this is just my diary, don't worry bout' a thing, like I said, I've been through this type of mood swing before, it'll be gone by morning.
Well, I was wrong, my little depressive mood didn't end. This morning I woke up and found out I had to go to school, and it made me so mad because I didn't have all my homework done. I just didn't want to go to school at all. I was SOO mad. Well I went to school like this, skipped my first class(band) so I could work on this BIG biology project I'm doing. The teacher wasn't very happy about that. Second period came along, and I'm still in this really bad, bad mood. I tried to go to sleep until the teacher said my name. Then I started thinking about all of this stuff, like beating these guys up, like REALLY bad. I was envisioning all of this. It isn't the first time by the way! But like, when I started doing that, I was like ok, time to start writing. And then I started writing a poem. And I just wrote out ALL of my anger onto the paper.But if anybody started talking to me, I'd just glare at them with this look of almost pure hatred. Like a "Don't mess with me look" By the end of the poem, I was pretty darn pleased with what I had done! From then on I was in a pretty good mood. And I still am. well I told lot's of people to look on here if they wanted to read my poem so here goes, NOTE: please don't copy this, it's my feelings and life. So don't copy it please. thanks
Gone Live in the dark
Fear the Light
Your savior is here to take you but you run from sight.
What the f*ck's wrong with you?
All you wanna do is fight, but you just don't got the bite
You know there's something wrong While you sing this song
Your soul reeks with anger from the torment that you thrice
Turn the music on so you can feel right
Lose sight of this place this picture is so wrong
Go back to who you were before your mind was gone
Where is the light, where has it gone?
Your smile shown bright
your heart burned strong
Now your nearing the end of the song
Are you still gone?
Well that is it, tell me what you think! I love getting comments on my poems! Tell me things I could do better or things you think are just Perfect! But just remember, this is me, your reading my mind, in a poetic form. I only wrote what I feel. Hope you like!
A poet, Josh
[This message has been edited by niceguy16 (edited 12-18-2000).]
[This message has been edited by niceguy16 (edited 12-20-2000).]
Well I got in a big fight with my parents, because I told them about skipping class. My mom didn't think I was going to. Now they're saying I shouldn't go to work, well like I said before, I shouldn't tell them a single thing. Plus I almost started getting depressed but I didn't, they finally let me go to my room and start on my homework even though I got off of work like 3 hours early, I didn't get to start it for 3 hours. I had to cook some food for the kids, and I got the wrong chicken out. They're saying I'm teaching the kids all these words. UGH! It's my MOM that teaches them those things! She ALWAYS repeats what mom says. I don't say anything like that around them. They must never pay attention to their surroundings or something, you'd think they'd care about me being depressed. But NO! UGHH They just make me SOOO !!!! *sigh* Well I wanted to jump on here before. Well I guess I better get off so I don't get in trouble. Later
Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2000
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Well today was kind of a crazy day. I put these hair ties in my hair today! hehe One in front, one on top, and one in back. It looked really kooky, and from what I was told, kind of gay. But I didn't really care, it was a blast seeing people's reactions to my hair! lol then after lunch I took the hair ties off. and the hair on top of my head STOOD UP! and wouldn't come down! lol it was pretty cool, I call it the alfalfa look! :P hehe But heck I just wanted to try something for fun, might as well do it while I'm young right?! lol I'm not about to color it though, no way! lol mom would kill me. Well I'm doing a lot better today than yesterday or the day before. I worked close last night at work then stayed up and did homework till 12:00! Tired day today. Right now I'm waiting for my sister to get to my house so I can go Christmas shopping with her. I'm SOO behind on that and have SOO little time to shop! Wonder what I should do with my hair tomorrow..I think I'll use gel tomorrow and make spikes on my head hehe it's SOO much fun! lol Well laters!
Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2000
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Well, I told you I'd read your poem. It was great! It was very emotional and strong. Don't change anything about it. I don't think you can really change something that comes from your mind. It's you.
------------------ "No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap." --Carrie Snow
"A mistake is simply another way of doing things." --Katharine Graham
Hey they got the boards back up! YAH! Well I got another poem I'm going to post! I don't know how many people have seen them except for Keoki *thanks Keoki* ::hugs:: Well I'm going to start typing a poem I have not yet finished and finish it on here. This is a happy poem though.
I looked into your eyes saw the harmony inside, it makes me want to cry Your breath so sweet, it makes me high
A kiss of an angel, fallen from the sky The heart of a child, so precious inside Oh lord, Have I died?
Try as I might To dream of this night
Where two hearts meet together side by side in the moon light
Don't go home, stay here with me Just one more kiss, I'm down on my knees
I take your hand and put on the ring
My message is clear, my heart is set I'll treat you like a princess
Say yes tonight and live a long life within my heart
Will you marry me my sweet heart?
Well there ya go! I finished my poem! Yes! I like it
Well it's been quite a while since I posted on here! Wow, stuff has happened to. Well I'll just talk about what happened just this last Thursday. Well I got pretty depressed. I started thinking about death, and how many people would be at my funeral, WHO would be at my funeral, and then i saw my friend crying, and then my 3 and 4 year old sibs crying and not understanding why I'm laying in this box. Those were my first thoughts, then I had another picture of my best friend laying in a casket herself, and that's when I lost it. I remember her saying that suicide kills in 3's and that just really dug at me. Cause I've been there for her so she didn't commit suicide. So I know I wasn't going to but just the thought of it was terrible enough. Later that night my friend (ex girlfried) called back, and well I basically cried to her all night until 10:00. It was pretty sad. Well the next day I was still a little bit down, memories and flash backs kept trying to pounce up from the day before. Now I'm pretty much ok, well kind of. I still have A really low self-esteem. Well I gotta get some shut eye now. Talk to you later
Well hey I'm back, lower than ever now. I got really ticked off at my parents, and while walking to work, I walked in the middle of oncoming traffic, but walked out of a semi's path just before it could hit me. Close one.....Sometimes I just get tired of life, Everything.
Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2000
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Well, I'm still depressed as ever. Not suicidal, but depressed never the less. Still don't really care about anything, can't smile. Anybody know how to fix me? I think I'm broke. That's all I have to say, just me waiting to get over this depression. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, to tell him everything. Hopefully I don't get sent to the hospital. But maybe it would be good for me. Maybe people would notice me then. Maybe more people would be willing to just stop and talk, and care. Maybe.....
------------------ Aint nothing working, aint nothing right there's a whole in me I can't fix no matter how hard I try.....What a life
Well, after going through this site, I don't know, maybe other things, I still have the depression feeling going on, but I feel a lot better. Hopefully it will go completely away.....for good, but I doubt it. It never does : / Well that's all for now. And LilBlueSmurf, thank you so much for wantign to talk to me! Even if you didn't look on here, you did actually seem to care. Thanks Hugs to you girl.
Hey everybody! lol I just got back from the Doc's....and now I'm going to try some new medication. Zoloft, hopefully this works better! Those mood swings REALLY stunk big time. I'm finally talking to my parents again, it's been like a LOOOONG time since I've actually TALKED to them, I never trusted them before now. It is so great. If you can't tell I'm doing SOO much better than I was a couple days ago! I got my cd-writer in yesterday! Today I got a letter from a friend, It almost made me want to cry! So I'm feeling really good about myself and pretty giddy right now. It's about TIME! lol Well I gotta go babysit the little sibs now! Fun FUN!
Hey Thanks, yeah we do have a lot in common on the emotional side. It sucks that we have to live so far but be so close! But atleast we know each other
I was just hyper, hehe, maybe a little of that too, but I'm not sure. I've been really tired lately. :-/ That kind of stinks, I don't like being tired. Well glad to see your back on the boards, I gotta get to bed now.
I called this girl from school and we've been talking some, it's pretty cool, she's really shy in person around her friends. I also met this one girl at my volunteer thing, she's cool She has an awesome personality. Well that's basically everything that's happening with me!
Well, ok, Friday night, went to the Basketball game. Met my friends' Best friend. She had the greatest smile, and she was like, "oh hey, I'm jasmine's best friend! Nice to meet ya." she was just awesome..later in the night, when the dance started, I was really shy, found myself walking the halls a lot. I had this one girl, that was trying to get all over me, I danced with her once, but she was hitting on me too much, when she wanted to make jasmine Jealous by dirty dancing, I was like No..no...no I don't want to.. Jasmine wanted to make her X jealous by dirty dancign also, but I walked away, I don't want to have anything to do with that. I don't believe in it.
I was really shy. But everytime I went on the side of the room...Alyssa, the girl that introduced herself, she took me out onto the dance floor, treated me like a real person, I've never had someone do that..actually WANT me to dance with them like that..I soon just started liking her a whole bunch. She was so easy to talk to, except now I can hardly say a word cause she knows I like her. Well, She gave me her email, cause she's not supposed to give out her phone number. Which really stinks. She's SOO much fun to talk to! lol
the next day..(today, Saturday) I babysit my cousin's two little girls all day for him at my dad's house. They are 2 and 7. Both of them are sweet hearts. Especially the older one. She's a lot of fun. She was saying how I was her best cousin and she loved me and stuff. Really sweet stuff like that. My dad got called off like right before I was supposed to go to Jasmines' B-day party. So I was about an hour and some odd minutes late to the party cause I had to stay at my Dads house until there dad came home, and then he took me to it. It was fun, not very much dancing. I felt a little awkward, but TOTALLY happy that Alyssa was there, cause I was worried I'd never get to see her again in person. We talked a little here and there. I was talking to this 12 year old girl who lost her b/f today to her cousin. I think I made her feel better, atleast I mean, she even wanted a picture of me! lol so yeah whatever. She knows she's too young for me, and I know I'm too old for her. It would be like going out with my step sister who is 11 or one of her friends! I can't do that. I probably had several opportunities to kiss Alyssa, but I didn't want to push or anything, I'm not a pushy person. One time I was talking to her, our foreheads were together, then I said "I want to kiss you soo bad right now but I won't" She's the first girl to offer me to sit on her lap! ...though I tried to have it where she would sit on my lap, lol It didn't happen. *sigh* lol DARN! Well, when we were on our way home, I was squished between the two girls...THAT WAS FUN! lol but when they were letting the two 12 year olds out, and I was alone in the backseat with Alyssa, I...although it took a while, finally got the words out "What do you REALLY think about me?" I just had to know, cause I wasn't sure whether she liked me or not. She said she liked me, but just as friends." I was happy and sad about that. When I got to my house both Jasmine and Alyssa came out of the car, I had given Alyssa a hug in the car, and we all hugged. Then Allysa was like, I'm so sorry I don't like you more than a friend, and I'm not COMPLETELY sure why she did it, but she decided to kiss me on the lips! I was RED! lol and shocked out of my mind. I was like OMG yes! lol it has been WAY too long since I've been kissed! lol not anymore! *if you come to this board Alyssa, Thanks SOoo much, you don't know what that meant to me!* then I hugged Jazmine and then Jazmine told her to kiss me again, she kissed me on the lips, and then again...god I wanted to FRENCH! Jazmine thought we were going to. "I wish, oh god do I wish"! then I hugged Jasmine one last time and they got in the car giggling their asses off...I was like hardly able to walk! lol now here I am, typing away, wanting to kiss, ONE more time, lol, but wanting to cry to. Cause I may never get to see her again.
My heart is like torn in two! I have an online girlfriend from Texas right now. We get along great, she's soo sensible and caring. She told me to have a good time. But now, I've found a girl closer that I REALLY liked, but can't do nothing about it b/c she's too far away also. *sigh* well, I guess nobody ever said love is easy!
Well today has been a rough day. Yesterday, I was in the greatest of moods b/c I had been kissed over the weekend. Today, in band, we got information about our Band trip to Florida. It seems I ended up the last guy out again with having friends to room with, and just getting stuck with the left overs. that is what really started my bummed up day. Then, I decided to skip lunch, and went to the band room where I practiced my solo I'm doing. After that I went to Biology, and I was still depressed. We ended up having a lab today involving scissors..and it was right then I just got the urge. My arms have lot's of stuff written and drawn all over them now. They should go away in a few days, I didn't draw blood, only a few knicks here and there. I ended up seeing the councilor then. And they got serious when they noticed my arms, that's when I had a long talk that lasted a whole period. Which is probably a good thing since I missed math. I hate math and it makes me mad almost everyday. Well now My mom is upset with me b/c I didn't get off of here. I'll have to save this post, or find a way to connect myself back up again. Which is goign to be pretty hard, and probably result in some consequences. But I didn't waste all my time writing this for nothing. I've been wanting to post this now for a while. Well, oh yeah, plus I found out that I'm now even FAILING a class. I've never failed a class in my life. One time I even had a 4.0....those days seem long gone though with the direction I'm headed. Well I have to go now.
Today wasn't a very good day either. It started out ok, but I went to talk to a teacher, she saw the marks on my arms, so I told her what they said and all of that. She's a mandatory reporter so she took me to the guidance when I wouldn't promise her that I wouldn't cut myself. I got an all day pass for the guidance office and so I visited it a couple times. I'm now Failing English as well as Spanish. I just found out that I'm going to the emergency room tonight. I'll be gone for a few days it looks like. I don't really know what to do. I got really drowsy during Math (7th)..and so I went to the nurse's office for the rest of the day. I just got off the phone with my friend that was there a little while ago. I hope everything will be ok..I don't know how I'm going to be able to live without my music and computer. It's like everything to me. I won't know anybody either. I just really want a hug right now...a real one, soo bad. Love you all, or whoever happens by this, if anybody does. bye
Wow it's been forever since I've been on here! Ever since I went to the hospital like a few months ago I stopped coming on completely! It really stinks that napster got hit like that. My computer got 3 viruses so I'm on my parents computer. I'm probably going to lose all of my 335 songs I had downloaded from napster, that really stinks. It's back to homework again too! AHHH I have to get A LOT done for math since we started a new book today and I'm not done with the previous one. I'm scared what my GPA is going to look like this year, really scared. I hope it's better than I'm imagining. I got caught up in like all of my other classes though except for a few assignments in biology.
I want to thank everyone for the support they gave me in any shape or form. It was appreciated. I really miss coming here. The whole site seems to have changed! I had a hard time finding these boards at first! Ok, well here's a little update:
I haven't cut since leaving for Florida on the 21 of last month. (I just got back from Florida on the 27th, It was GREAT!)
I'm in mandatory therapy at the time which is working on getting my self-esteem up.
I'm going to start working again! *I spent $200 on clothes for Florida and spent $200 in Florida!
My computer is DOWN! Darn computer!
I can't think of anythign else that is really relevant right now, so I'll just end the post here and get my butt moving on that homework I'm loaded with. OH WAIT, My solo Ensemble is on Saturday! wish me luck! We won LOTS of awards while down in Florida so it was really cool
Hey all, been a while since I've been on. I'm still behind in school all the way back since the hospital. I went to Disney land for the first time this year. Ummmm, but lately , I had to stop workign for the rest of the month because of school. Last Sunday I had a really bad cutting episode. I feel like crap about telling DHS on my dad in the hospital, I've basically ruined the relationship we had going over something of the past. Then frustrations from work, and everything else was just too much. But yeah. I'm doing pretty good right now though. I got a Division II in this band contest today...or rather, my band did. So it's all good. I just got done putting the kids to bed too. Well see you all later.
Josh, Hey... it's good to hear that you're doing better! Looks like you're a Lifehouse fan!!! So am I, I love them! Their cd is just so awesome... that cd is one of the few that I have that is good all the way through! I'm also a huge huge HUGE fan of Creed... they rock my world!
------------------ "I can't take anymore of this, I wanna come apart, or dig myself a little hole, inside your precious heart... 'cause it's always raining in my head... forget all the things I should have said..." -Epiphany (Staind)
Hey JustaGirl Thanks for thinking about me! I haven't been on here for around 4-6 months I believe! It's been a LONG while....But guess what! On July 3rd, I got to go to the 3 Doors Down, Lifehouse, Tantric concert! Pretty cool eh? My life was a mess back then. It still is sometimes. But I'm alive and kicking and that's what counts right?
Posts: 116 | Registered: Oct 2000
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Josh, Hey there guy! That's so awesome about the concert! I've seen 3 Doors Down/Fuel/Oleander and Full Devil Jacket/Collective Soul/Creed in concert! Hehe the Creed concert was in October, and the 3 Doors Down concert was in April... so, I haven't been to any concerts recently! Man I love Lifehouse, and Tantric is awesome too! I've been a fan of Lifehouse since I first heard about them, and that was like 10 months ago! I am sooo happy that they are getting the recognition they need! I bet the concert was awesome!!! I hope you had fun, and I am very glad you're doing better!!! buh bye for now!
------------------ 'Cause I'm just a girl, little ol' me Don't let me out of your sight I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite So don't let me have any rights Oh... I've had it up to here!
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