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Author Topic: im so nervous.. need serious help
hypochondriac guy
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so heres the deal.. my girlfriend has been on Lo loestrin fe for about 3 months.. she takes it perfectly every night at the same time. but...she is late on her period this month by a few days. we always use condoms (an exception of one time where i was just curious of the feeling between a condom and bare, but didnt finish anywhere near her. and this was a day after her last period ended) and i never ejactulate in the condom either. i really feel like im having a nervous breakdown. i spent the last 24 hours reading on things that can ease my mind but nothing seems to work. im deathly afraid of her taking a pregnancy test because i always think the worst. she was sick for about 3 weeks with a cough and congestion and shes been really stressed with school work and other extracarricular activities. So idk if that comes into play. please... i really need help.. im losing sleep and losing focus on my own school work. shes not worried though. help... please
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Karybu
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First of all, take a couple of deep breaths, ok? Periods (and withdrawal bleeds, the "period" that happens on the pill) can be late for all sorts of reasons, and pregnancy is just one of those reasons. Stress, illness, changes in exercise and diet....those can all have an effect as well, and it sounds like your girlfriend's been dealing with stress on top of being sick, so it's really not surprising that her bleed hasn't shown up yet. There's more information on that here: M.I.A or, Dude, Where's My Period?

If you want some reassurance that pregnancy is really not something to be concerned about, these two pieces could be helpful:
Pregnancy Scared?
Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

If you want to talk, too, about where this anxiety might be coming from and finding ways to reduce it, happy to do so.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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hypochondriac guy
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thanks for your reply.

Another thing I want to point out is that she had that spotting bleeding a few weeks ago but it was a little bit heavier than last month. Can this count as a period or something?? and sometimes shes a couple of minutes late on taking her birth control, can this have a drastic effect on her protection?????????????

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Karybu
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A couple of minutes will not make any difference to her level of protection. With a combined pill like Loestrin (meaning each pill contains two kinds of hormones) there's about a three hour window each way in which a pill can still be considered "on time". So, if your girlfriend normally takes her pill at 9 am, she can take it as early as 6 am or as late as noon and still be on time. And, a pill isn't considered late until it's at least 12 hours past the usual time.

Not knowing when in her pill cycle the bleeding was, how heavy, or how long it lasted, there's no way to know whether it could have been her period or not. Are you familiar with the pill works? I get the impression that your girlfriend probably is, and is likely aware of the information I gave you, but how much do you know? Would understanding exactly how the pill works be helpful in easing some of this anxiety?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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hypochondriac guy
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It was in the middle of her pack, and it lasted about 3 days.

The only things I really know about the pill is that its effectiveness depends on how its taken, and that it strengthens the mucus in the vagina or something.

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Karybu
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This piece is a great place to start in terms of learning about how the pill works: How do birth control pills really work, even during the placebo period?

It sounds like the bleeding was a bit of breakthrough bleeding, which is random bleeding that happens for women on the pill sometimes. It isn't something to be concerned about, but it doesn't count as a withdrawal bleed.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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hypochondriac guy
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That was a good read. Thank you.

I'm still on-edge though. I really hope its all this stress that is delaying her period...or something with the birth control.

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Karybu
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Is there anything else you think would help manage your anxiety?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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hypochondriac guy
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I dont think so :/ I am a generally nervous person about everything. I really need some relief though. This is killing me.
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Robin Lee
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Does it help at all that your girlfriend isn't worried? Perhaps ask her if she's ever been late on her withdrawal bleed before?

Incidentally, how long has she been taking the pill?

Did you read the "pregnancy scared" and "where did I come from" pieces that Karybu linked you to? From those pieces, do you understand how pregnancy is pretty unlikely in the situation you've described?

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Robin

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hypochondriac guy
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shes been on it for 3 1/2 months ..going on 4. Perfect use.
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Robin Lee
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Well, there you go? [Smile] It's very common during the first few months of taking the pill for the person to have withdrawal bleeds (that's what the period is called when someone is on the pill) that are late or that don't show up at all. As Karybu said, stress and sickness can also play a factor in delaying or skipping periods or withdrawal bleeds.

Do you feel like you have a good sense of how pregnancy can and can't occur to understand how it's pretty unlikely in this situation?

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Robin

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hypochondriac guy
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I just really dont understand. Before she went on the pill, she always got her period on time. and the first 2 months on the pill,( we werent having sex) she got it on time. Now within the 3rd and 4th month while we are having sex, everything is all messed up. I really feel like my head is going to explode.

Does anyone have any experience with Lo Loestrin Fe?

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September
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Starting hormonal birth control, like Robin explained, can cause irregular bleeding for the first few months while the body gets used to the hormones.

However, that does not impact the protection that the pill offers. As long as she is taking the pill as directed, there is no reason to worry about pregnancy.

How do you usually handle stress? Are you generally a worrier? Do you have any tools for managing your anxieties?

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Johanna
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Heather
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This really isn't likely to be about brands.

It's quite common for people's cycles to go a bit wonky in the first few packs of the pills, even if they don't from the start, as explained. And of course, menstrual cycles can always shift or change regardless, and often will at least a few times in a person's reproductive lifetime.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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hypochondriac guy
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I go to a therapist. I worry about things when they don't appear right to me. I'm so used to her getting her period at the same time every month. This is just throwing me off severely. I'm really regretting starting to be sexually active.
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Heather
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I'm betting you haven't been with this girl for many years, so what you got used to was just in a short period of time.

But if you feel like in order to feel okay about being sexual with a girl, you need no changes in menstrual cycles, I think that's something to think more about. because, especially over time, that's just not going to be how it goes, so if that's something you need, it may be smart to rethink if sex is something you can really handle right now, okay?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hypochondriac guy
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I know what you mean. It sucks because my whole life is like that. But i dont wanna stop having sex...because my girlfriend enjoys it. It helps relieve the stresses and such in her life.(but it creates anxiety and stress for me) and i dont really want to take that away from her cuz im paranoid she'll wander off with someone else.
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Heather
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Okay, let's step a little backwards, okay?

Here's the scoop: when someone is having sex with a partner, for things to be emotionally healthy? It has to be healthy for BOTH people involved, not just one. Sex-as-philanthropy? As something you do for someone else, even when it's not good for you? That's not healthy for you OR her. Has she actually told you that's something she likes and is comfortable with: you having sex with her to keep her from leaving?

If she cares about you, I don't imagine that she's enjoy having sex or feel a stress release if she knew it was filling you with stress and anxiety. And if she doesn't know that, if you're keeping that from her? Yipes. Talk about a lack of intimacy, and something that's going to likely feel awfully uncomfortable for the both of you.

Is this a good relationship? Do you care about each other? Do you trust her (I ask because you say you worry she'll go with someone else if you don't give her the sex that she wants, which sounds like a pretty huge lack of trust in her)?

If so, how about having a real talk about all of this and being honest. How about talking about ways you can be sexual for now that you DO feel good about, and that doesn't create stress for either of you?

[ 09-27-2012, 01:56 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hypochondriac guy
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I'd just like to get the point across that a lot of what I am saying is from my anxiety, paranoia and its causing irrational thinking. We are in a healthy relationship, with a lot of trust and honesty. She cares about me greatly and is very loyal to me. It's really honestly me with all the gripes. Especially with sex. Instead of enjoying it, I completely dwell on all the negative things that can happen. (This affects my performance as well, it sucks.) I am in love with her with all my heart and she is the same to me. She doesn't really know fully about the anxiety/stress I feel about this...I keep this from her because I don't want her to be upset..because she does get upset and stressed when I'm like this sometimes....I'm a mess...idk what to do. :/
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Robin Lee
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Do you think it would upset her to know that you're keeping this from her?

Do you think she would want you to be happy, for your own sake, not just doing something to please her?

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Robin

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Heather
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If she loves you? Seriously, she's going to want to know. Wouldn't you were the shoe on the other foot? Wouldn't you absolutely not want her to be having sex with you just to make you happy if it was making her miserable?

Also? When we love people, we *want* to share their burdens, even if they're a bummer for a while. We usually figure it's a much bigger bummer to have someone we care about going them alone, or to be creating distress for them. And just dialing back sex some? Seriously, that should not be anything major for anyone. Because it really, really isn't.

[ 09-27-2012, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hypochondriac guy
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I just tortue myself :/ its a bad habit. robin, i know shed be upset cuz ive only briefly mentioned it and she got really stressed out about it. and idk i usually care more about people and very little about myself.
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Heather
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Then it sounds like this is something you two need to talk about more and figure out how to sort out.

Sexually doing what makes you miserable and puts you in a panic because a partner ostensibly can't handle finding ways to be sexual that work for both of you, not just her isn't a healthy, sound answer. It's also not a solution, just a continued problem which will become a bigger one over time.

We really can't not care about ourselves and be in healthy relationships with people: so you gotta try working this one out, okay?

If she feels stressed even just talking about it, that's an even bigger reason NOT to keep doing it, and to talk about it more. If you two care as deeply for one another as it sounds, you can sort this out, find some middle ground, and have neither of you asking for or giving something that isn't healthy for one of you right now.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hypochondriac guy
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She only get upset/stressed about it because she can't grasp why I am so anxious. Like, she doesn't understand. And I try to explain it as best as I can but nothing seems to make sense apparently.

EDIT: and I cant make sense of it either. It just happens.

[ 09-27-2012, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: hypochondriac guy ]

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Robin Lee
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Your girlfriend is your first sexual partner, correct?

Have you spoken with your therapist about your anxiety around sex? If so, how did that conversation go? If not, do you think that's something you'd be able to talk to them about?

Let's try flipping this around for a second. If your girlfriend was stressed and anxious about sex, and was continuing with it because she new you liked it, would you want her to continue doing that?

It sounds like you care about her an awful lot, so I'm guessing not.

Can you extend that same kind of respect and caring to yourself?

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Robin

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hypochondriac guy
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Yes she is my first.

Yes I have spoken to him. He just tells me to relax and focus on her.

The only reason I'm stressed about sex is because of pregnancy. Just the thought of it destroys me and makes me very very depressed, stressed, and anxious.

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Robin Lee
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What is it about pregnancy, or possible pregnancy, that terrifies you so much?

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Robin

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hypochondriac guy
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It just scares me a lot...We are only 20.

I feel like it's something that will completely destroy our lives. Mainly hers. Because she has so much going for her. idc about mine.
Her family will hate me and i wont be able to deal with the comments and ridicule from others. & then i feel it will destroy me and hers relationship. Then I will have nothing...and i'll go back to the lonely life. Maybe in a mental institution lol. who knows.

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Robin Lee
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You're very clear here that you're not ready for pregnancy and the choices that entails. That's okay, and it's really good to be clear on that; that is, to know what you do and don't want.

When deciding to engage in sexual activities that could lead to pregnancy (and remember that there are lots of sexual activities that don't lead to pregnancy), part of being ready for that sexual activity is being comfortable with the possibility of pregnancy. Even when very effective birth control is used, pregnancy is still something that *could* happen. (With the birth control pill used properly, and a condom added to that, it's unlikely; however, again, being comfy with, not terrified, of the possibility is part of being ready for intercourse.)

You seem very committed to continuing with this sexual activity even though your anxiety and depression over it make you not enjoy it. I suspect that if your girlfriend loves you as much as you say she does, she wouldn't want you to do something that you don't enjoy. What do you think?

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Robin

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hypochondriac guy
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i guess not. idk im just like terrified cuz along with the missed period (which still hasnt come) she has been feeling other stuff. she said her breasts were sore yesterday.( but she said shes been falling asleep with a bra on lately, so idk if that could cause it) and shes been saying like, she feels like her period is coming, like shes feeling bloating and minor pain in her ovary... but it actually hasnt. its really nerve racking because i cant distinguish if its these birth control pills that are doing this or the worst thing... Pregnancy. im just really upset cuz ive woken up about 4 times tonight just thinking about it. now im up at 6:45 in the morning already continuously reading everything i can find to ease my self.
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Heather
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Have you been able to read through this yet?

Chicken Soup for the Pregnancy Symptom Freakout's Soul

Too, often when anxiety like this holds on, it does have something to do with not dealing with the root of that anxiety. In your case, I think this has a lot to do with feeling like you have to have sex to please your partner and keep them around, rather than only having sex when it really feels okay for you, mentally, or only having whatever kind of sex you're really ready for right now. And it doesn't sound like sex which presents any kind of pregnancy risks is something you're ready to handle now, to say the least.

So, again, I'd strongly encourage you to have the talks I suggested. I think even just having them is going to make you feel a lot better, and you're going to need to have them for you two to find some middle ground so that this doesn't remain an issue for you, and something for you to anticipate as being an issue, which always amps anxiety.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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