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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex in Media: Books, Magazines, Films, TV & More » sex is everywhere! help

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Author Topic: sex is everywhere! help
Kayy
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I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years and we are very serious. We often watch movies or tv when we are together. There is alot of sex scenes and breasts and women in skimpy clothes all over movies and television and when we are together and we decide to watch a movie or he says he wants to watch a movie that has a sex scene or breasts and all that stuff in it i get upset. I know or should know that he doesnt like the movie or show for that reason but it is always in the back of my head. It makes me feel uncomfortable and i always end up getting upset over it and then he gets mad at me because of it. He says its just a movie or its just a show and he doesn't think of it as "oo boobs" or whatever its just supposed to be funny but it still upsets me. I want to be more comfortable and confident that i don't have to worry about stuff like that but i can't. i dont know what to do because im constantly worrying about it because i am so insecure. Even when we are in public and there is some girl wearing skimpy clothes or something i get upset or insecure. i dont know how to change it but it just causes my boyfriend and i to fight because he feels like i cant trust him. idk what to do please help

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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When it comes to what you do and don't feel comfortable watching in movies or on television, you always have the right to ONLY watch what you're comfortable with. Do you have as big a part in choosing what you two watch together as he does? If so, have you voiced your preference to watch less media with sex in it?

In terms of out and about in the world, there you have less choice. However, how a girl is dressed isn't about seeing sex, know what I mean? In other words, you're probably not seeing sex out and about outside of media like billboards for movies or other things, since most people don't engage in sex publicly, and our laws tend to prohibit that.

Want to talk about what you don't feel you can trust your partner with around this? In other words, if he watches a movie with you with sex in it, or another girl just happens to be on the street (as we tend to be), what don't you trust there?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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Well yea i do but i think the main reason i have a problem with it is because my dad used to always order movies that were rated R or unrated stuff for our family to watch and i know my dad watches pornography and stuff like that and i am just scared of my boyfriend becoming like this. He told me he used to watch porn soon after we started dating. From growing up with a veiw of men like my father it just makes me think he is wanting to watch the movies because it has boobs or naked women and that he is watching porn behind my back or that he is checking out girls behing my back or whatever. I didn't mean that sex is everywhere i just didnt know what to name the post. I just hate how todays society is so focued on sex and its hard to watch a movie now a days that doesn't have half naked women in it.. i just dont know what to do

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Kayy
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he knows i don't like movies with that stuff in it but if he wants to watch a movie and i know it has bad stuff in it and i get upset that he wants to watch it he just gets mand at me because he feels like we are never going to be able to watch movies with just a little thing like that in it because i will get all mad about it. I am just scared of him turning into someone like my dad. I love my dad don't get me wrong i just dont want him to get bad habits like my dad has

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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So, are you saying he's never willing to compromise, like by taking turns where you each choose what to watch? Or, another compromise being that if one of you wants to watch a movie the other doesn't, the person who doesn't want to watch it just gets to opt out -- and go do something else in another room, whatever -- with it being no big deal?

In terms of pornography, a lot of people view pornography (or read it, or listen to it, what have you). What content is in films and TV people like that isn't porn usually isn't going to tell us much about if they see it as porn, or watch porn. It also can't predict who watches porn or not. In fact, here in the US, the areas with the highest use of pornography are the most religiously conservative, where people are most likely NOT watching a lot of R-rated movies otherwise.

Are you saying you're not comfortable dating someone who uses/watches pornography? If so, have you made that limit clear to this partner, ideally before you started dating?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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if he knows i don't want to watch it he doesn't watch it. but if he thinks a movie is a good movie and i know it has some provocative or unnecessary sex scene in it and i dont like it because of that he thinks its stupid. we have talked about pronography and he says he no longer watches it because he knows it would upset me and because he doesn't need it because he loves me. But it just makes me think of my dad. a part of me trusts that he isn't watching pornography and i honestly think he isn't but another part of me thinks about what ive grown up with and that has made me think most men watch porn even if they are in a relationship or whatever.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Many people of all genders still watch or use porn when they're in relationships. Sometimes that's totally okay with their partners (who may do so themselves) and sometimes it isn't. There's no right or wrong there, just what different people want and are okay with (or aren't).

I'd set aside whatever it is you think "most men" do or don't do. Not only are your assumptions not likely sound, you don't need to know about most men, just this one. And all you can do is go with what he has told you. But I'd not assume that because he watches other things with sex in it that tells you or predicts anything about him and pornography.

That said, sex has been in media for as long as there has been media. And often enough, people might feel aroused or curious watching it, and there's nothing anyone can do to control those feelings. same goes if and when someone sees someone on the street who they find they have those feelings about.

Now, I'm not so cool with your partner calling your tastes or comfort level with media "stupid." Everyone has things they are and aren't comfortable with, and you should get to have those and have a partner respect them. have you ever told him it's not okay to call those feelings of yours stupid, and asked he just accept your feelings without judging them?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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no ive never told or asked him to do that.. I am not okay with porn at all and he wouldn't be ok if i watched it at all. we understand that about eachother. he just doesn't like that i judge a movie on one scene in it or whatever. i just feel bad. like that other day he started watching the movie "Crank" idk if you are familiar with it. but i just think that movie and the second one are just so stupid and rediculous. so he started watching it and i got upset and was just being quiet because i had told him i didnt like it and that the second one was even worse. i told him when i didnt like them and he just thought it was dumb cause he thought they were good and funny movies. he continued watching it and i just was quiet and didn't even watch and he got mad cause i was "pouting" and turned the tv off and threw the remote and just left the room. i dont know what to do

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Throwing things in anger is not actually healthy in a relationship, especially if that kind of thing is common, rather than something someone does one time. Telling a partner things they think are dumb or stupid also isn't healthy.

Can I ask if your feelings around movies and TV together are the only area where these kinds of things happen, or where you feel unhappy or uncomfortable with him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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well we have our fair amount of fights and alot of the time in my veiw he throws stuff way out of proportion and gets upset over something that shouldnt be that big of a deal. he doesn't usually throw things when he gets mad. alot of the time i like talking things out to get to the bottom of it and he likes to just not talk about it and drop it or whatever even when i know its still bothering him. we both have very strong personalities and we are stubborn which clashes alot and can cause fights or arguments. alot of the time when we fight and he wants to just drop it but i want to talk about it he says mean things like "Shut the **** up" or something and i have confronted him about it and that it hurts my feelings and he said that he doesn't mean to he just needs his space and doesn't mean it to offend me or whatever he just cusses alot when he is mad

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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So, you're describing some verbal abuse. That's not good, and that's not part of a healthy relationship.

When he needs his space, has he asked for some space, and then gone and taken a walk or something to get that? THEN, have you two picked a time to talk more about what the conflict was and resolve it in healthy ways when he's not feeling so upset?

When he says he wants to drop something and not talk about it, do you try and force him to keep talking?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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usually when he wants space we stop talking for a little while and then when he comes back he just doesn't want to talk about it. and yea i guess i know of do try to continue talking even when he says for me to leave him alone. i guess i just want to resolve it as soon as possible because i want to know how he is feeling. im not very patient and like to talk about things as soon as they happen. alot of the time he says he wants to go because he says something he will regret or before he tells me how he "truly feels" but i feel like he is holding back then and i want to know how he feels. alot of the time if we dont talk through something he ends up bringing it up later like a couple months later when we are arguing. and makes me feel like crap because i feel like he had forgiven me for it but then he brings it up again and opens up the wound again

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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So, seems like you're both making some errors here.

When someone says they don't want to talk about something, we need to accept that, and not try and make them talk. That's not healthy or respectful. We can make clear we really need to talk about whatever it is when it's important, though, and then work together to find a compromise, like a later date to have a discussion.

But it's also not okay to yell at a partner or to call them names.

So, in order to resolve conflicts together in healthy ways, you will need to allow the other person space and be more patient, and he will need to know he will need to work it out in communication with words soon-ish, rather than bottling it up to try and force the issue with YOU way later.

Mind, I'm not going to encourage any user here to stay with someone being abusive in any way, including verbally abusive. I don't know much else about this relationship, but I do know that's not healthy or safe for people.

But if you want to stay in this relationship, do you think you both can change your dynamics around this in the kind of ways I'm suggesting? Do you believe you both will make real effort to do that and want to?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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yes i do. we are very much in love and plan on getting married and he keeps telling me telling me that him asking me is coming. i know we both have things we need to work on and we talk about that stuff and know we need to work on it and i know we can do it.

thanks alot Heather. I think i speak for alot of people on here when i say you are a huge help and don't know what we would do without your advice.

i have another post that ive been worried about under sex basics & sexual health that no one has replied to yet.. i know your probably very busy but when you have the time could you take a look at it and let me know what you think? i really appreciate your help.

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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One thing I would strongly advise if you are thinking about a legal commitment to someone when a relationship is unhealthy is ABSOLUTELY both getting counseling first. That's all the more of a huge deal when it's abusive in any way. getting out of abuse is really hard as it is, and it's MUCH more hard once a relationship is legally bound.

So, how about you two also both look into and start some counseling? can you bring that up with him when you are also bringing up working out these other issues?

I'll take a peek at your history and grab that other post shortly.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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yea we are planning on doing some counseling to help work out the kinks in our relationship. we both want to make sure we are prepared and want to work on our individual problems and our problems as a couple. i will talk to him about it

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Just so we're clear, because I think it's important, verbal abuse -- any kind of abuse -- is more than a kink. It's very, very serious, especially since any kind of abuse usually escalates to other kinds or more abuse.

So, before you dig any deeper into this relationship, I really would strongly encourage counseling sooner, not later, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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ok i will thank you. [Smile]

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Just wanted to check in on you, Kay, and see how things are going.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Kayy
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good.i havent really talked to my boyfriend about the counseling yet though..

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"Do or Do not, There is no Try"
-Yoda

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Heather
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Have you talked about anything else with him he talked about discussing here, like his name-calling?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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