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Author Topic: two questions
cjane87
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1.) how can i get used to receiving oral sex? i'm starting to see someone who is SUPER into doing so, but i'm really kind of anxious about it. the angle she'd be at (would she still be attracted to me?), the sensations (a lot of them) - i'm a little scared.

2.) is it weird to be most turned on by the concept of being wanted/desired? i feel like a bad feminist, but what gets me off the most is having someone want me, even if i have no interest in them (not including cat calls or anything, to be clear.) i was a very ugly child/teenager, but now am sort of attractive. i don't really know what i want, i just..want to be wanted.

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Robin Lee
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Hi There Cjane87,

I'm going to start with your second question. sex and sexuality are so wonderfully, beautifully complicated and complex. They're about so much more than just the physical. each person's sexuality encompasses their physical wants and needs, yes, but also their past experiences, their emotions, their thoughts, their chemistry with each particular partner, and so much more.

So, I hear you saying that your political sensibilities are telling you that it's wrong to be turned on by the idea of being desired, but that your body, brain, and heart find deep enjoyment in this.

It's really okay. Our personal lives, while they certainly inform our politics, don't have to be controlled by our politics.

Does this perspective help in any way?

you might find this article we have on our site to be helpful in seeing how complex sexuality really is, and how okay (not just okay but fabulous) any incarnation of someone's sexuality really is.

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/sexuality_wtf_is_it_anyway

For your first question, I'm first wondering if you have shared with your partner how you feel about oral sex?

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Robin

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cjane87
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... not yet. i was sort of nervous, because in lesbian world oral is so important and i didn't want to seem super inexperienced.
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Robin Lee
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Nodding...I certainly hear you on feeling pressured by that culture of privileging oral. I'd say though that any partner who puts that expectation above her partner's personal preferences has a little thinking to do. [Smile]

Seriously though, is oral sex something you *want* to happen? I certainly hear you on wanting to please this woman, but it's also your body and you get to say what happens to it and get to have things happening with it that you enjoy and feel good about.

I'm also wondering what you mean by asking whether she'd still be attracted to you. Can you fill me in more on what you mean by that?

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Robin

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cjane87
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i do want to - i've fantasized about it for years but it actually happening is a totally different (and scary) thing. i want to be able to enjoy sex myself - i tend to only focus on my partner and not let anyone touch me and i don't want to do that anymore. my partner has been super good about it, but she wants me to experience pleasure and i do, too, i'm just scared.

still attracted to you: i have big thighs, stretch marks, would she still like me if she saw me from that angle (i.e. in between my thighs) or saw me orgasm (i've never orgasmed with another person even in the room, so...)?

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Heather
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You know, I feel like being new to sexual things should, ideally, be something cool and exciting; something where we can say to a partner, "Hey: I'm totally new at this," and to them, and to us, that's a cool thing, because there we are, about to take some new journeys together.

But, of course, if we feel too vulnerable with a given partner, or they're not a good fit for us per accepting where we're at, that's more nervewracking than exciting.

So, the first thing I'd want to know is how you feel, in general with this partner or these partners: is this a person, or are these people, where you feel able to be yourself, and emotionally and sexually safe? Where you feel you can be real enough to just say you're new at this, and feeling uncertain in some respects? Or ask for some of the affirmation it sounds like you also need?

Per this good/bad feminist stuff, I'm not a fan. I feel like the whole good/bad dichotomy comes from patriarchy, honestly, and it's a good fit with a movement created expressly to counter that.

As an alternative, let me offer you this:

When I am aiming to do something that is about my feminism, that is about advancing feminism, supporting feminism, that is activist, I do a general check-in with myself by simply asking myself if what I am doing or saying is or isn't in support of gender equality, to the best of my knowledge or ability, and does or doesn't support all women's rights as best I can.

When what I'm doing or thinking about isn't about activism, but things like my personal life, but I want to think about or assure it's in alignment with my feminism, I ask similar questions: "Do what personal life choices or actions I'm making or about to make, or personal life frameworks I'm building, holding up, or wanting to tear down in any way stand counter to gender equality and women's rights in any way they can have a real impact on those things? If the only person in this respect they are likely to impact is me, do I feel like they support my feminism? If not, do I feel like they just aren't relevant at all, or do I feel like they stand counter to my feminism?"

Just FYI, I don't see something like your feeling good at feeling wanted, a desire to feel wanted as something that likely has an impact on anyone but you. I just don't see how something like that could have the power to threaten gender equality or rights for other women. Do you?

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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i do feel comfortable with her, i just want her to... think i'm cool/experienced, i guess. but that's not very helpful to me. i'll talk to her.
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Heather
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Well, want to talk about what you're looking for with that?

In other words, what does being seen as experienced seem like it'd give you, versus being new at something? And why is it cool to have had previous experience but uncool not to have?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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experience = sexier, less "weird" in a way.

i see your point. hmm. i'll talk to my partner.

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Heather
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Does "experience" = sexier to you, personally?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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very much so. like, i'm really turned on by someone knowing what they're doing/knowing what i'm doing, in any instance.
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Heather
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Okay!

So, seems like part of the issue here might be you projecting your own sexuality unto others.

People do it all the time, but that doesn't make it so. I hear this is sexier to you, but just like, say, people with a given haircolor, body type, or gender is sexier to one person, but not another, the same holds true here.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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good point. i tend to do that a lot (i was raised to be very very very very very concerned with how i came off to others - alcoholic parent who needed to be kept happy all the time, etc). that's... really, really helpful.
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Heather
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It also may be that you're really inflating sexual "experience" here to a level that isn't sound (setting aside that it's just sexy to you, which may be its own thing, and it can still be sexy to you without it being sexy, or having any impact, to anyone else).

Sure, it offers us some things, mostly increased comfort over time if our experiences are good. And some good stories to tell in the proverbial locker room. But truly, that's really about it.

As well, what opportunities people even have matter a lot here, and that often is a huge issue when we're talking queer people. So very, very many people just don't live, or haven't yet lived, in places where they even have the sexual opportunities they want, or can find them, or feel safe pursuing them. So, I would say that from that view alone, it's worth maybe rethinking the "cool" of experience because it kind of puts people with privilege above people with less, if you follow me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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that's true. good point, thanks!
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Heather
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Anywhere else you want to take this today? [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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i think i'm okay. i'll talk to my partner and try to project less.
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Heather
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Okie dokie. [Smile]

If I can make one last, unsolicited suggestion, I'd suggest maybe making a little list of why someone, be it you or anyone else, being new to something, being a beginner at something, is awesome and/or sexy.

There's actually a lot of cool stuff to be experienced when you're coming to it as new, as a beginner, perspectives and experiences that you just don't have once you're not. I wonder if maybe thinking some on that, making that list, might help you out some here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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i think part of it is that i've had very few actual sexual experiences (1 with a cis male (did not go well), four with cis females) but i've watched a lot - a lot - of pornography and erotica. so i THINK i know what i like, but i know what i like when its happening to someone in a movie/film clip/story/image. so maybe on that list is learning to know what i actually like, getting to be submissive (sort of my thing).
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Heather
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And maybe watching/reading less porn or erotica, and, if that's something you like, penning your own? The thing about someone else's scripts is that they're just that: someone else's, not our own. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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hmm. would it matter that porn/erotica is what's shaped what i like (my own scripts)?

i had a conversation recently with a friend who didn't see porn until she was in college, which i think may be for the best. i was very lonely and very body-shamed (overweight and closeted), so when i was 11/12 (and my parents started going to bed at like, 9) soft-core porn/erotica was a lifesaver. it made me feel good (through masturbating/orgasm) and helped me get out of my head and relax, but now i've seen SO much porn that that's how i think sex works, which i know is untrue but in actual sexual situations, i'm less aroused than i would be watching porn because it's not like what i'm used to, if that makes sense.

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Heather
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Well, I'm not sure we can really say our own sexual experiences are those other people have written or made. I mean, how are those ours? Rather, aren't we just watching or listening to other people's stories?

That said, by all means, I think sexual media of all sorts obviously can have an influence in what we like and don't, are or aren't interested in, and some of our ideas about sex and sexuality.

But the thing is, sexuality is so, so fluid. How we think and feel about things usually shifts or changes over time. So, the fact that you feel stuck around some of this now, even if you have for a couple years? Is just now. Or a couple years. A lifetime? It's not.

And, your OWN sexual experiences are way more likely, over time, to be the biggest influences per your sexuality than erotica or porn, I'd say. Just like say, a television show, even one you really loved, about say, a family, is likely to have way less weight in your life, through a life, as your real-life experiences with family.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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so as i have more of my own sexual experiences, i'll find new things i like or can fantasize about?
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Heather
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Yep. I feel like I can pretty much promise that. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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yay!
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Heather
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See how cool it can be to be new to something? [Razz]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Hey also? Tipping the Velvet. $20 says you've read it. It might be a good one to remember back per how, effectively, it was almost entirely the story -- and, yes, this is opinion, but: hot story -- of someone for whom all of this is new.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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i have not read it, but i'm googling it now!
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Heather
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Oh wait: nevermind, we'll need to revoke your lesbian card first. [Razz]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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oh no!
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Heather
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I jest. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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i assumed as much. it's always interesting to see older lesbian-oriented materials, especially featuring sex. post-internet, it's easy to forget that the easy availability of any kind of sexual material is really, really recent.
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Heather
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I'd not say that's older: it was published in 1998. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cjane87
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Quick question, or maybe it's not quick but I wanted to ask:

First, I had a long talk with my partner and it went really well with regards to my questions earlier.

Secondly, and I'm not sure if this is something that can be answered - does the feeling of "failing" at being heterosexual ever go away? I still feel like if i were just... prettier or... more appealing or something, I'd meet the right cis man and he'd make me straight (I KNOW this is illogical). Men finding me attractive is very important to me (like what i said about being desired - a lot of that is "being desired by straight men"). I get off on thinking about being watched by a straight man. I've always felt very ashamed of my body and myself, like I was never quite good enough, and I want this feeling to go away as I'm gay and should be able to be okay in that. Will it?

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Heather
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Yay! [Smile]

You know, I can't speak to this feeling personally. I never felt like I tried to be heterosexual, nor that any orientation was something to pass or fail at.

But I'd suspect that yes, how you're feeling is likely temporary. Time will probably take care of some of it, as might getting a better sense of why you have felt you needed that validation, and perhaps finding other, healthier, sounder ways of getting it, both giving it to yourself, and other external ways that are more sound.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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