My boyfriend and I have decided that we're going to have sex, but there's a hiccup. He's a tall guy and he's got a large penis, and I'm a small human being in every way, as well as a virgin.
The first time we attempted sex, I couldn't fit very much of him inside-- I've heard from here and elsewhere that intercourse shouldn't be excessively painful, even for the first time, so I stopped before it became painful. Lube didn't help us get any farther. What can I do?
Boyfriend himself has more than once lamented that we may just be "physically incompatible" and may never have sex. Every time, I've told him that I think that's totally bunk, but I'd like to prove him wrong instead of just telling him. As much as I know he loves me and would still be with me if we never had intercourse, he's really special to me, and I'd really like to have sex with him.
I've been to an OBGYN before, and she did a full pelvic exam, so I figured that if anything was wrong with my hymen or vagina, she would have brought it up with me. As far as I know, I'm totally healthy and normal as can be-- just small!
Hi pooperdoodle, and welcome to Scarleteen.
Even with the size difference between the two of you, there's no way he's so large that you can't have intercourse with him. The vagina is muscular, and like other muscles in your body it can contract and relax. If you're not really relaxed when he's trying to penetrate you, his penis is going to feel "too big" no matter what size it is. I think the key here is making sure that when the two of you attempt intercourse, you're very relaxed, aroused, and comfortable with the situation. If there are other types of sex you've had that have felt really great to you, maybe try those first so you can relax and get in the mood. Also, if you've built this up between the two of you as the Holy Grail of sex, it could be that the pressure of it is making things a little stressful. It's ok to back off for a bit and work up to intercourse slowly and gradually.
If you aren't used to the feeling of penetration at all, you could try getting used to that sensation by using your fingers or your boyfriend's first (using gloves will help out here, otherwise make sure fingernails are VERY well-trimmed!). It may help you to be more used to that feeling on a smaller scale before you attempt intercourse with your boyfriend again.
In terms of lube, it's hard to use too much of it! If it isn't working for you, I'd add some more or investigate a different kind. If you're using a thinner lube, a thicker one might be helpful. There's some good content on lube here.
I'll also say that while intercourse shouldn't be actively painful the first time (or any time), it may be a little uncomfortable at first as you adjust to the sensation and you and your boyfriend learn about what works best. I would try to avoid building it up as the only kind of sex you're having, and give it a go when you feel relaxed and excited about it. Even if it's a little tricky at first, if it's something you're enjoying I think you will find it gets easier over time. And if it turns out that you aren't really into this sort of sex, that's ok too - there are a lot of different types of sex the two of you can explore together.
Posts: 1125 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013
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Hey again. I know I asked this a while ago, but I wanted to follow up.
It turns out the problem was indeed my hymen/corona. Rather than having one hole, it had multiple small holes, none of which were large enough to make comfortable penetration possible.
My boyfriend has since ended our relationship, in part as a result of our sexual difficulties. I wish that the articles and forum responses I'd read on this website had spent less time adamantly debunking virginity myths and more time responding to my actual situation as I described it.
If I had known that was a possibility, I would have gone to a doctor sooner, I could have started having enjoyable, healthy intercourse before now. Then perhaps it wouldn't have been such an obstacle for me and the man I loved.
Hi pooperdoodle. I'm sorry you feel that you weren't well-served by the information you were given, and I'm sorry about your relationship with you boyfriend ending. We give the best advice we can, but obviously sometimes it's not quite right.
Unfortunately, in this case, there was no way for any of us to know that your hymen was the problem, given that you'd already seen a healthcare provider and seemingly ruled that out. We do make it clear in several places on the main site that in some cases the hymen can be an issue, but hopefully you can understand why we wouldn't have guessed it to be the problem here.
Again, I'm sorry that we weren't able to help you.
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5656 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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You know, I do want to say that we always suggest people visit a healthcare provider first with pain issues when it comes to sex. Not only is there a disclaimer on the bottom of every page of the site that says that, but when someone asks us about a pain issue, the first question we will nearly always ask them is if they started by seeing a healthcare provider and ruling out a health issue. Our piece on pain with intercourse does that, as well.
So, I too, am sorry this went this way for you. However, I'm not comfortable with the suggestion that we don't, and have not, constantly suggest to people having pain that they start with a health exam. Because that simply isn't something based in truth per what we do and have always done here. I'm also not comfortable with the suggestion that the exchange you had was responsible for your partner leaving: it seems to me that's something your ex is responsible for, all by himself. Particularly since when you posted about the breakup, you'd said he said he didn't have romantic feelings for you anymore, something neither we -- nor your vulva, this isn't its fault, either! -- would be likely to have any influence on.
It seems in this case, the issue was less what you didn't find here, and more than that first OB/GYN you saw didn't identify the problem for you when you asked about it. But when someone tells us they were already examined for something and nothing wrong was found, with just one exchange, we're going to, soundly, I'd say, assume that base was covered.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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