Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » I feel ill with myself

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: I feel ill with myself
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 9 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
My counseling situation has been a clusterfuck, so I haven't had an appointment yet. Some crap with the system and then missing an appointment. She doesn't book again until May. I was fine, I suppose and thought I could hold out. A week or two of reassurance and I'm not fine again.

I guess it's more...I'm not okay to anyone else, although I can emotionally justify my feelings and desires. A huge part of me on an emotional level feels that for me this is okay, what I want, because I'm not hurting anyone else and this is emotionally fulfilling.

On the other hand, I know that if one of my friends was like me, I'd be sick.

I'd be sick that mutilating their bodies and wanting someone else who'd be willing to do that to them was a path to emotional fulfillment.

Id be sick that on an emotional level they thought that was alright. Although, at the same time, I probably wouldn't. I'd probably get it on some level, as long as they weren't doing anything too drastic.

But, I guess that some of my scars leave me dysphoric now. I think of the words I carved on my leg and want to cut out the last one: "Fertility". The whole phrase was "**** my fertility" and it was to serve as a reminder to me, if I ever thought about having kids, not to think about it. And now it just grosses me out because it simply serves now as a reminder that I have the ability to have kids. On a good day, I dream of it. I dream of having a husband and two kids. We raise them well and they aspire to be what they wish.

And my husband and I are just best friends. Not romantic partners. We don't have sex either.

Sex makes me uneasy if it's in the scope of an expression of love. I guess it comes from the fact that affection really isn't my thing. Especially when it comes to people who say I need to give affection, but not when I can properly give or express it.

Light touch grosses me out. People get angry when I have to wipe where they just touched me because they didn't apply enough pressure. It's weird because I have plenty of sexual fantasies that aren't centered around sexual gratification that I'd actually want to do.

I imagine sex a lot of the time in terms of performance. A lot of these performances are centered around servitude (sucking dick for example) or degradation such as having my face shoved into the ground while having someone physically hurt or deface me while screwing me. But, like I said before, it's not centered around sexual gratification. It's not that pain is an aspect of sexual arousal or sexual arousal an aspect of pain, but it's as if the two are just separate. Sexual arousal and gratification is not even there but something else.

My mom just thinks I'm afraid to love and be loved because I don't want to be with someone I feel romantic for or whom with I'm in a relationship for my first sexual experiences, or the fact that I said that I never want to experience that.

I guess that's true. I want sexual things and love and marriage to stay completely separate from one another (unless to do with procreation in terms of marriage). I guess it's true that I don't want to be loved or love romantically.

I guess it's true that the thought makes me utterly nauseated.

But I guess what makes me ill about myself is that I want to physically hurt myself. I want to make myself blind in my left eye, I want to tear skin off my face and I want to cut those scars out of my legs. I want to slash my cheeks with a razor blade. I want someone else to do that to me too.

And that makes me sick, I guess. My mom says if I do any of that stuff again, I'm in the hospital. Part of me just wants to go.

Just get away from everyone I know for a bit.

I don't have a giant emotional inkling. I don't understand. A lot of the times when I think about mutilating myself and when I do it, it's because I'm eager, not tortured. I'm like a kid getting their favourite ice-cream as a reward.

Though, sometimes it's out of dysphoria over my vision, the writing on my legs. Myself in general.

Like yesterday, I wanted to stab my left eye out because I was having anxiety over my eyes (which I never had before my surgery a couple years ago). Today, I wanted to out of some sort of...glee?

Part of me feels this isn't so bad, especially because I generally have restraint, but part of me knows that I'm not rational in my head when it comes to this thing and that I'm sick like my mom says.

I'm also sick because I want to hurt people, and I imagine it often.
Not children though. I don't think I could ever harm a child. Ever.

But even knowing that, I worry that I will. It's sort of like I could never steal, but I have a phobia over being in other people's homes by myself because I'm afraid that I will even though I know I don't have it in me.

I can't stand near children without fear. I didn't used to feel this before, but that's probably because I was smaller back then and a child myself. Now, I'm fifteen and a lot bigger.

I can justify wanting to hurt my mother's rapist, the woman who tried to sexually assault my mother and then proceeded to make her military life miserable when she got away, the boyfriends who abused her, the whore who told my dad lies about my mom and babysat me while beating the shit out of her son and locking me in rooms.

But I can't justify wanting to hurt her. Sometimes it's just my sensory issues on a bad day and unfortunately, she does all the things that qualify under my SPD. Her constant need for physical affection and kisses, her voice.

I can't justify my want to bash heads in.
I can't justify the desire to hurt myself/have someone else hurt me.
I can't justify my fear around children.
And I can't justify my odd fetishes that make me feel wrong because part of me feels that partaking in fantasy is somehow me endorsing actual abuse.

[ 04-24-2013, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: Coffee_and_Chocolate ]

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi, Coffee_and_Chocolate. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so intensely rough.

I think it's important to say first that if at any point you think you may realistically do harm to yourself (or, of course, to anyone else), please seek emergency medical/mental health care.

Obviously, there's a lot in what you wrote. There's one thing that I'm not quite clear about and which I think would help break down some of the different things here. It's very clear that some of the things you're talking about are not coming from a healthy place - the feelings of doing harm to yourself or others that come with a great deal of negativity, for example. Clearly, it's going to be very important for you to address those. However, with some parts of what you're writing, I'm not quite sure if you're talking about kink or not. Are you? And if it's not something you're particularly familiar with, then I'd ask: with some of the feelings you have about pain and/or control, do you have any sense that they come from a place that isn't negative, a place that's simply about a kind of physical expression? Where everyone involved feels happy and joyful about what they're doing, where no permanent harm is done, where it just feels Right and not grim or punishment or aggressive or hateful, where afterwards everyone involved feels satisfied and whole and connected?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1785 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, the pain isn't a kink, it's just something I guess that I need to feel satisfied. When I think about sex (I never had it before), I can't think of it romantically. I feel uncomfortable thinking of myself as equal to my partner, I have to feel inferior. I guess it feels safe that way. Normal expressions of affection don't feel safe to me. Affection doesn't. I don't want to love or stay with the people I have sex with.

I guess, though, there's also a thrill aspect to it. Aggressiveness coincides with satisfaction and connectivity in some way.

Some satisfaction when I hurt myself. Other times it comes out of a place of disrespect for myself. As if I have to be scarred. The first time I did, it came from a place of glee, I was walking on the clouds. It was lovely. Then, I figured out it took away anxieties about certain things. That was a side-effect mostly. So I used it as a tool to remind myself that I'm not good enough with certain things. And I'm kind of just coming to terms with certain unsavory aspects about myself that I ignored.

I remember the other day, I shook my fist in my mom's face. I felt like hitting her, but I managed not to, and the fist shake was kind of an impulse reaction. She was sort of blocking me in and trying to give me kisses and I guess that I had anxiety over that kind of contact that day.

There are many other times I had to avoid hitting her while she was in my vicinity. There's probably only two people I know and love that I haven't imagined hurting, that I haven't had the impulse to harm.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey there, Coffee and Chocolate: just for the rest of this conversation, and for future reference, I need to ask that you don't post things here like wanting to "bash heads in," or otherwise hurt people. It just makes the space feel pretty triggering and emotionally unsafe for those of us who have been abused or assaulted, okay?

It's okay to talk about this in general, but I'd ask that you try and do so with more general, and less explicit language, alright? Thanks.

I, personally, only was able to skin through your first post because it was just much-too trigger city for me.

Might you be able to respond to this one and explain what kind of help or support or information you're looking for, without some of the kinds of language you used up there, so I can see what we can do for you without having to go through that post?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I apologize. I didn't mean to make everyone upset. I guess I'm just confused emotionally and wanted to vent it out in some way. I'm still waiting to get to a psychologist, but it will be a bit.

It just generally trying to come to terms with me, I guess. Trying to figure out how I can sort of control my own hurtful impulses towards others and figure out if that's wrong to do to myself. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I often feel like I'm going to.

I also hurt myself a lot. I've got a lot of scars and I don't know what I'd do without them. I don't know why I want other people to hurt me, and I why I can't imagine sex in terms of gratification and fun without doing something which would otherwise get me in trouble. And why gratification sort of freaks me out, and so does anything involving romance.

And I guess, I just have some sexual responses to certain things that I don't know if that would be me endorsing abuse or not. With this comes extreme anxiety, but I suppose for the sake of keeping this forum trigger free, I won't mention them.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I understand.

Outside where this crosses into your sexuality, most of what you're asking here is simply far outside the scope of what we can do here and are designed to do here.

If you haven't been able to get any mental health help yet, I think that it would be warranted to ask for emergency care if you are overtaken with desires to hurt yourself or others. I don't know if you've been clear yet with what you want the therapy for, but if you haven't been, making it clear might push things up for you.

Where we likely CAN help, again, is with any sexual issues. Can you talk with me a little more about those? I bet you can find a way to do that without being explicitly violent in the way you're talking.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I always had impulses for the longest time to go out and do dangerous things. Sexually, I mean. I've tried sneaking out in the middle of the night, but ended up not. Ever since I was little, I've had an unhealthy fascination with it, even before I truly knew what it was. I've had many desires and thoughts to jump into dangerous or regretful situations.

But, I don't understand why I'm so anxious about it, especially in the scope of being sexually satisfied with someone else. I feel safer thinking about myself as being inferior to my partner and that sex can only come with physical pain. Being loving and "equal" with a partner perturbs me. I also don't want any partner to stick around.

I also don't like my body. I marked my body with a word that reminded me not to have children, that I'm not fit. I've always had a complex about this, about being attractive in any sort of way as well, and about having friends. I always felt too beneath other people to be with other people, to be sadder than other people and to be happier than other people. This is not as bad as it used to be since I'm removed from everyone else (not in public school anymore) and really don't have to interact with people very much anymore.

But pain is also satisfying, so it doesn't explicitly feel like a punishment--just something that keeps me away from truly feeling intimate with someone. Dangerous territory, affection feels.

My mum thinks I'm afraid to be loved by people. That might be true, but I don't know.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, I would be wary of filing this all under "afraid of love." Not only does that strike me as pretty simplistic in some ways, it also may be that the sexual behaviors and the bits around love, romance and partners aren't intertwined, or aren't intertwined that much that it'd be sound to assign them all the same root or general issue.

Sexual risk-taking, and the desire for sexual risk-taking, is a fairly common thing. And it often isn't a problem, so long as a person with those impulses is choosing risks or levels of risk that aren't destructive to themselves or others.

For instance, sneaking out in the middle of the night to do something sexual often won't pose any harm to anyone, whereas, as an example, having unprotected sex with HIV-positive partners on purpose, or sexually assaulting others, does.

It also seems to me you're describing two things that are actually at odds here. You're saying that there are some ways in which you want to do sexual things that feel risky, but there are other risks -- like the risk of being loved or being an equal to someone -- that feel very scary to you, and don't have appeal.

But really, what I'm hearing here, and picked up in my skim of your initial post is that there are some pretty big red flags here that you've got some things where you really need some help and qualified care, like a desire to harm yourself or others, self-harming, a need to be inferior to others and a very strong fear of emotional intimacy. All of those things really have "need big help" written all over them, and like I said above, I'd say some of them absolutely would warrant crisis care.

In your interaction with whatever health system you're working with to get therapy, have you asked for any emergency/crisis care?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I haven't. Because I didn't think I needed it. The impulses and thoughts sometimes get really strong, then they die down, and then sometimes they're constant, but not strong enough that I can't conduct myself without panic. I was fine when I said that I could wait for an appointment.

But then yesterday, I self-harmed again and thought about doing some pretty morbid things to my face.

I'm actually really anxious to go and talk to someone. That's partly why I caved in and had my last appointment cancelled. I was anxious, although I've been in counseling my entire life practically. It had been a year and a half.

I told my mom earlier about a particular aspect of self-harming because she saw marks on my face when I got up. She said she doesn't want to have to put me in the hospital.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay, but here you are, clearly in crisis, and I am truly seeing crisis. The kind where you're going to need help from someone who is qualified to help, including being capable of keeping you from harm.

The hospital may not be your only option here, but I'll be honest: it's sounding like one good one to me. I don't know what your mother's reservations are, but I'm not sure whatever they are likely trumps your physical and emotional safety.

(This isn't a judgement, btw. Not at all. Rather, it's just me looking at this situation and what you're expressing -- and how you're expressing it -- and evaluating this to the best of my ability.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Alright, thank you [Smile]

I'll see if I can talk to someone soon. I also thought a bit about the hospital, just to calm down and be away from everyone.

But at the same time, my reservations have mostly to do with being in an unfamiliar place, and my mum who has separation anxiety from me (she panics when I'm gone for more than three minutes in the laundry room and cries when I go to a friend's). She's trying to get better, she has a lot of problems too.

But, I'll talk to her and see if I can get that help.

Thanks again for listening. I find this difficult to sort out and talk about with people in real life. So, I feel not only more at peace, but better able to put this into perspective.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
If an in-patient environment actually sounds like a good thing to you, I'd say that's a very clear indication it's the right place. often, even when one IS the right place, people tend to shy away. But I'd say, in my experience, when it feels like the right place? It pretty much always is. And that kind of tells you all you need to know about how deep you're drowning, you know?


Per your mother, really, it sounds like she needs to take care of herself and has some very serious issues of her own to tend to: crying when a teenage child is gone for three minutes suggests some pretty serious emotional problems.

I understand she has the issues she does, and I'm sympathetic, but at the same time, she's also the parent here, and needs to -- I don't mean to be brusque or hard about this -- step it up and be the parent. that means putting her own stuff, that's about her, aside so it isn't standing in the way of what you need to get help you need in such big crisis.

In other words, it's really her job as a parent to manage her own stuff so that it isn't putting or keeping you in danger: and it sounds like it might be.

I should also add that minors DO have the legal right to check themselves into the hospital. In other words, you could walk into the ER, report all of this, and they could check you in with or without her permission or consent in this kind of situation where you do appear to be in danger and it does appear to be an emergency.

I think it'd obviously be ideal if you could get her to be on board, but just want to make sure you know that even if she won't get on board, that doesn't mean you can't get inpatient care if that's what it is determined you need, okay?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
(FYI, you probably already are very clued into this, but having a parent with that kind of disordered attachment likely has a LOT to do with your fears about having people stick around or get too close to you. I'd be surprised, especially if your mother has always been this way, if you DIDN'T have those issues, honestly.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Really? That's good to know (about the checking oneself in thing).

Yeah, she's always the one I'm most hesitant to give contact to because it seems very one-sided and perturbing. It's odd really. I'm afraid to have that with people, but I appreciate things like hugs from my dad because it feels like it's a mutual exchange (in the way that he's giving encouragement and protection and I'm giving appreciation and gratitude.)

With my mum I'm actually guilted into contact a lot of the time. I like it sometimes, but only when I'm not literally being chased around the house to get a hug.

A few weeks ago, she actually went to go check herself in so she could have a breakdown because of stress with school and the past things and I went to her friend's house. Things hit the fan when she came to pick me up. She was kind of drunk and very anxious to go home because she doesn't like being detained. Then her friend attacked her.

I actually had to call my dad overseas.

So, she's been trying. She needs me better to get better, is how she explained it.

I think it's also because I've always had a physical contact issue. I'm autistic and had to go through therapy for this type of thing. That's partly why I'm disgusted by romance and normal ways of expressing love/affection because it feels like I have to. I was taught to emulate before I really knew what I was expressing in the first place.

But, I'll definitely see. I just think I need to get away for a bit. Even my dad said he thinks I should take a break and wants me to come out for the summer.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Another thing I'll tell you is that should you need someone to CALL the hospital or emergency family services, that's something I'm willing to do.

In other words, if you literally feel you cannot get the help you need, and can't get Mom on board or get yourself to care, I can take a step. Obviously, to do that, I'll need you to also email me things like legal names and addresses, but I just want you to know you have that kinf od help with this if you need it.

And if you continue to feel very desperate, I do hope you'll use it, okay?

My hope is that BOTH you and your mother can get The Serious care. It truly sounds like you both need it, and I'm so, so sorry you've grown up with this kind of dynamic. Especially with autism, which I imagine in some respects makes this kind of truly unhealthy enmeshment and lack of separation even more difficult to cope with than it would be already.

Knowing your Dad is someone you're in contact with too, btw, I'd also encourage you to make sure he's really filled in with everything and ask him for help getting the care you need if you can't get it otherwise.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you very much [Smile]

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Of course. I hope both you and your mother are able to get the help you both need soon, and that you find some emotional relief, or at least a start to it, ASAP.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68189 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Coffee And Chocolate,

I'm just now seeing these posts from you, and I'm concerned for you. Please remember that even if your Mom doesn't agree to the two of you getting help, you can go get help for yourself. I agree with Heather that if being in in-patient care sounds like a good idea for you, it's most likely exactly what you need. And again, you're able to and allowed to get go find that help without your mother's say-so.

Several months ago when you and I talked here, you said that you were going to start seeing a therapist. Did that ever happen? If so, are you still seeing this therapist?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Oh, I'm seeing a therapist in four days. We had to hold off for a while. There was some trouble getting one and then I cancelled an appointment out of anxiety. But in four days, I will be seeing a therapist.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I also held off on the in-patient care and decided to go back to the therapist first. I had second thoughts and was too anxious to go through with it. Sometimes I just wonder if it's mood swings, because for a few days to a few weeks I have the greatest urge to self-harm or do something dangerous and then I might go a few days to a couple of weeks without those urges and then they just resurface again.

I have also come to terms with a certain thing that resurfaces violent tendencies. So if I can avoid it when I'm susceptible or upset by it, it reduces those urges.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
HI Coffee and Chocolate,

Thanks for checking in today. I was just about to leave you a note to see how you were doing.

Were you able to get medical treatment for the cuts on your face?

I'm glad to hear you'll be seeing the therapist. Will you be able to talk to her on your own?

Even if you feel like you have a handle on why some of these urges happen, it's important that you share them with the therapist, as well as what you've discovered about them. IN other words, it's important for the therapist to have all the information so they can help you figure out what is going on with you.

It might be helpful to take a print-out of this thread to show them, so they know what has been happening with you lately.

Sometimes, and I've found this to be true in my own life, once a crisis point has passed, it can be hard to articulate what happened to someone else because we're feeling better and just want to downplay what happened when we were feeling bad. Doing this doesn't actually help us though, as it can prevent us from getting the kind of help and support that is ultimately most beneficial to us.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
The marks didn't require medical treatment--just some ointment. I have a habit of digging my nails into my skin when I'm stressed/want to harm myself. I'd do it often during meltdowns too.

I think I'll be fine talking to her on my own. I prefer to, actually.

I know. I've done this a lot in past therapy sessions. Something that bothered me earlier seemed so eerily unimportant because I felt fine. Then I'd leave and the storm would start again.

[ 05-04-2013, 01:42 PM: Message edited by: Coffee_and_Chocolate ]

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
i think it's a good idea for you to talk to the therapist on your own. We all need someone we can talk to without anyone else around.

What are you going to do this time to make sure that you tell your therapist everything, even if it doesn't feel relevant at the time?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Just to make sure to tell what stood out to me at the time if I know it's still a problem. Even if I don't /feel/ it's still a problem, and I know it'll come up again.

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Sounds like a reasonable plan. [Smile]

Some people find it helpful when going to see a physical or mental healthcare provider to write things down that they want to make especially sure they tell the person during the appointment.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Coffee_and_Chocolate
Activist
Member # 56874

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Coffee_and_Chocolate     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hm. That would be a good idea [Big Grin] Thanks!

--------------------
eh.

Posts: 44 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3