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Author Topic: Just out of curiosity...
MusicNerd
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I've been thinking about this lately, since I've noticed a bit of a trend in my crushes. I feel that for almost all of my encounters with crushes (either people I've liked, or people who've liked me) one of these things happens:
1. The people I'm into don't like me back in the same way
2. Also to the people I'm into, I'm like their backup option and even if they initially show interest (which rarely happens), they eventually go for someone else before anything non-platonic could possibly happen between us
or
3. The people I have no non-platonic interest in, show a non-platonic interest in me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all up for making new friends (for sure [Smile] ), and I'm not all that bummed out about being single (at least most of the time...); but I'm starting to think it must be like a miracle or something to find someone that you like who likes you back in a non-platonic way. I'm wondering if there's something I'm doing subconsciously to prevent a mutually non-platonic relationship from occurring, since I've never actually been in a romantic or sexual relationship before? Or maybe there's some kind of Sheldon Cooper-esque algorithm that I've missed out on? (Any other Big Bang Theory fans out there? lol [Big Grin] )

TL;DR - Since pretty much all of my crushes have been one-sided (with non-platonic feelings either just from my end or just from theirs), I'm wondering: Is it possible for a person to only be attracted to people who aren't attracted to them, and to also somehow only draw people that they have no interest in towards themselves?

(Sidenote: I didn't know where to post this, so I'm not sure if this is the right place for this thread. Feel free to let me know if this topic would be better off somewhere else here!)

[ 03-19-2013, 01:43 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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Allie R
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If ONLY there were a Sheldon Cooper-esque algorithm that would explain attraction. It would make life so much simpler.

But, on the other hand, it might make things a whole lot more boring!

I think that it is possible for two people to be attracted to each other- it may or may not be simultaneous, though. That's sort of part of the piney-kind-of-fun of it, isn't it?

Hopefully the attractee likes who you are as a person, too, but in the end, if someone doesn't like you back (let's say, after spending a substantial amount of time around you to see what you're like), they're automatically not worth being with; you want to be with someone, who, at the very least, likes you for who you are as much as you like them for those reasons!

So in the end, I think that people will eventually find people who do/have the potential to non-platonically like them back- it just takes a little time, maybe a little bit of luck, and a commitment to being yourself.

But this is just my two cents- I'm really interested in reading how others answer this interesting question [Smile]

[ 03-19-2013, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: Allie R ]

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AAR

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Patricia H
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I hate to say it, but it happens. Sometimes you're just not in the right place at the right time for what you desire to happen. But it's also possible that a lot of what's happening to you has to do with the vibes you're putting out there; if you show people that you're okay with being a backup option, or just being platonic, they will pick up on that and respond accordingly.

Since the vibes you put out comes from you, it might be a good idea (no better a time than now, too) to look inside yourself and see how you feel about all of this, and also how you see and feel about yourself.

Maybe you could start by answering these questions (in no particular order):
  • How do you feel about the trend you've noticed in your crushes?
  • Is this trend something you'd want/be okay with for the rest of your life (hypothetically speaking)?
  • If you could change this trend, what is the result you desire from it?
  • How do you see yourself as an individual?
  • Do you like yourself?
  • Would you date yourself? Be in a relationship you desire with yourself?

Instead of wondering if there's something wrong with you, I think you would do well to be make better use of your time by asking yourself what is important to you and what it is you seek and desire in terms of relationships with others. Oftentimes, when we are not clear to ourselves what we want in our lives, we will end up with just that--mixed results, or, in your case, non-desired results. If it helps, make a list; put in an order for the Universe to make note of as you tell it what you want, e.g. a romantic & sexual relationship with someone who is equally as crazy about you are you are about him/her, someone who doesn't care that you've never actually been in a romantic or sexual relationship before, someone who is turned on by you simply being yourself, etc.

But again, it has to start with you. Even then, it may not be perfect right off the bat; like I mentioned earlier, sometimes we're just not in the right place at the right time, and there's only so much that we have control of in our lives. So be patient, have faith, and most of all, have fun. You might just find yourself in the relationship of your dreams when you least expect it; and even if you don't for the time being, all that soul-searching won't have been in vain, because out of all that comes a greater understanding of yourself as an individual.

Not sure if you have already looked at this, but it's still a good resource that I think pertains well to your situation:

10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (At Any Age)

Hope this helps. [Smile]

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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MusicNerd
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Sorry to take so long to respond! Things have been kinda crazy-busy for me lately. I apologize in advance for the long post.

Thanks so much for your responses! Also I read over the article you suggested, so thanks! It had a lot of points that stuck out to me, and that helped me to answer the questions you posted, Patricia:
quote:
  • How do you feel about the trend you've noticed in your crushes?
  • Is this trend something you'd want/be okay with for the rest of your life (hypothetically speaking)?
  • If you could change this trend, what is the result you desire from it?
  • How do you see yourself as an individual?
  • Do you like yourself?
  • Would you date yourself? Be in a relationship you desire with yourself?

So, I guess I'll try to answer them here:
  1. Welp, I would love to be mature enough to say, "Life's too short to worry. Whatever!" but I'm not in this case. I'm definitely not happy with how this trend has panned out.

    It's so weird, because I used to not care at all when I was younger (even in high school it didn't really bother me); but for some reason, coming to college has gotten me to become so sentimental about wanting a relationship. What I also find so odd is to see people who are mean-spirited end up in relationships, but yet I can't seem to be in one yet (though I'm definitely not claiming to be even remotely perfect, I'm at least nice to people).

    It's also frustrating for me to observe this trend, because:
    1. I feel stupid for worrying about being single (even though a lot of times I feel okay with that), since it just seems so irrational for me to feel this way.
    2. If a person I like on some rare occasion happens to show some interest and then inevitably change their mind, I feel stupid for thinking that they would’ve been interested in me in a non-platonic way in the first place considering that has never been the case for me before.
  2. Hypothetically speaking, I would definitely not be okay with this trend for the rest of my life… Nope, not at all.
  3. Hmm… If I could change this trend, even though I know I can’t control how people feel, in an ideal setting I’d want the people I have a non-platonic interest in to desire me in the same way. But in reality, it’s only the people I view in a platonic way that seem to view me in a non-platonic way.

    I’m not looking for a future spouse or anything at this point in my life, but it’d be nice to date some people.
  4. How I see myself? Well… Some days it’s better than others. I feel better when I’m helping people, or supporting causes I find important (like joining a club at my college that focuses on prevention, discussion and spreading awareness about sexual assault and abuse on campus), or playing my violin, or singing, or writing music, or doing well in school despite my illnesses/injuries I’ve gotten, or doing something as trivial as wearing my favorite boots or cute underwear.

    On other days though, I don’t feel so great about myself. I haven’t been able to exercise since November, because I had mono and then I got a concussion (which I’m still currently recovering from) shortly after I recovered from mono. Due to this lack of fitness, I haven’t been feeling so great about my appearance (even though the difference isn’t too noticeable until I take off my clothes).

    I also find myself to be pretty dorky, awkward with a dry and weird sense of humor to boot, and frankly not that desirable, especially to the people I have crushes on. But on the other hand, I also think I’m ambitious, kind and a good friend, even though I’m those other things I listed in the last sentence.
  5. Do I like myself? For the most part I’m pretty neutral about myself, but sometimes I luck out and like myself, while other days I don’t really like myself. Does that make any sense? I guess I just like to keep myself busy doing other things so much that I haven’t really thought about how I feel about myself.
  6. Hell no!! I would never date myself! I feel like I’d just piss myself off, since I’d know exactly how to annoy myself. hahaha!

Also, after I thought about these questions, I made a list of what I want in a person/relationship. I guess that helps to put things in perspective.

You know, I have thought about if maybe I’m giving off vibes about being a platonic friend to my crushes, and I guess I do sometimes. It’s just that I don’t want to be all “it’s my way or the highway, so like me back in a romantic way” in my interactions with them, so I just settle for being their friend (which hasn’t necessarily been all that bad), since it’s not like I can make them like me back in the same way. Also, on the topic of vibes, I have a question: Do you think there’s possibly some kind of vibe that I’m giving off to people I have no romantic interest in that makes them interested in me? I’m just so puzzled by this.

Also, the last time I was straight-forward and told someone I liked them after getting to know them in class and going out with them a couple of times outside of class, it ended in her telling me that she was actually in a complicated situation with someone that she has feelings for and then avoiding me like the plague afterwards (even though I have no interest in being around her now either); basically, this was yet another instance of being a crush’s second option. Mind you, I didn’t make some grand confession of undying love or something, but it’s made me pretty much scrap that idea of telling someone I like that I like them (even if they initially show interest).

Recently, I’ve found myself trying to make myself like the people who show an interest in me and I’ll go out with them a couple of times even if I view them in a platonic way; I figured maybe I was being too picky since they seemed to be nice, so I’d give them a chance or two. But then I realized quickly that that wasn’t going to work and also that it wouldn’t be fair to the other person if I pretended to want something other than a friendship.

I would like to be optimistic like both of you about the whole “you’ll find someone eventually” thing, and I’d also like to not wonder if there's something wrong with me here; but whenever I look back on my past instances with crushes, I can’t help but notice that I’m the common denominator in all of those situations, you know?

[ 03-21-2013, 04:02 PM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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moonlight bouncing off water
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A quick note: you're the common denominator only because you're talking about yourself and your crushes. Other people have the same issues with not feeling mutual non-platonic feelings for other people too, and they are the common denominator in those situations!

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Patricia H
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Hi MusicNerd,

Thank you for taking the time to read through our posts and posting such a thoughtful reply in return! I'm glad we were able to help your situation somewhat.

Judging from your answers to the questions I posed to you, I understand that you're looking to date, but I'm not getting the sense that you love, or at least really like, your self as a person enough to choose your self as your first partner before anyone else. (I could be interpreting your response wrong, so please correct me if I'm mistaken.)

If I could ask but another question: why are you looking to be in a relationship/partnership with someone else? Are you looking to fill a void that you think you can't fill yourself and that can only be done through someone else? Or are you looking to be in a relationship/partnership because everyone else is in one, i.e. because everyone else is doing it? If so, may I offer a comment and say that those are pretty awful reasons to be in a relationship with someone to begin with?

The reason I ask these questions is because I'm hoping you'll realize that, like I initially wrote in my first reply to your post, when you don't love your self, it's going to show, and it's going to be hard for anyone else to feel differently when it comes to pursuing a non-platonic relationship with them. As cliched and hokey as it sounds, it's important that you learn to love your self first before you love anyone else, because there are going to be times when you won't have anyone else to depend on except your self; when the only friend you have is going to be your self, because your self is the only one who has been, and will continue to be, with you through thick and thin, ever since you were born. Think about that; if that were any body else, shouldn't they deserve a whole lot of love and respect before any one else who shows up later in your life?

I get that you think it's unfair that other people who you think don't deserve to be in relationships are in them while you're not, or that you feel stupid for worrying about being single. I've been there; we've all been there, and it's a place we'll find ourselves coming back to at different parts of our lives as we get older (and hopefully wiser [Smile] ). So take heart in knowing that as crummy as a place that you seem to be in right now, you're not going to be there forever, but it's not like you'll never be back there again after this incident.

Too, I get that you're feeling somewhat discouraged from the recent rejections you've experienced after expressing your interest in someone and finding out that your feelings are not reciprocated. Unfortunately, that's part of how it goes, and the most you can do at this point is to accept the fact graciously before moving on. If anything, be grateful that the other person had the mind to be upfront and honest with you at the start; can you imagine how much more painful and horrible it would be if you two did pursue a romantic relationship, only for you to find out several months/years later that s/he lied to you and never really liked you (in fact, absolutely hates you) to begin with? Point being, you shouldn't take rejection as a sign to clam up during future encounters of this kind; if you like someone (or don't), it would really help to tell him/her, just so you two could at least be on the same page.

When you do get into a relationship with someone else, you will realize that the best relationships work because both partners communicate well with each other, i.e. they "speak" the same "language." Knowing what you want and being able to express that clearly is extremely useful, while playing mind games, creating drama, and expecting your partner to be able to read your mind, is not. Can you see now, why it's important to choose your self as your first partner, because you get to "practice" communicating with your self and figuring out how best you express your self, be it via verbal, visual, or physical ways? The more you learn about your self--emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually, intellectually, etc.--the more knowledge and tools you gain that you can bring to the table and share with that prospective partner of yours so that s/he knows best how to connect with you, and vise versa.

While I'm all about being optimistic, it's only because it's better than remaining pessimistic, which isn't self-sustaining; the same can be said for "forced" optimism, where you don't really believe in it, but you're simply going through the motions because someone else is telling you to do it. If it helps, don't even think about it. This whole shebang about wanting to be in a relationship with someone and worrying if there's something wrong with you? Stop it; for all we know and care, you're already in a relationship -- with your self. Go out and enjoy being with your self; do what you love and realize what a fabulous person you really are, deep down inside. Do you have a bucket list? Go through it; what is the one major thing you want to accomplish before you die? For me, there are so many things I want to do I don't even know where to begin: I want to get really good at belly dancing, maybe get a few wedding gigs as a freelance calligrapher doing wedding invitations, become a real bad-*** acupuncturist and traditional Chinese healer...the point I'm trying to make here is that when you're off having fun and making something of your fabulous self, people--the right people--are going to notice and be drawn to that, as opposed to being repelled by someone who smells of desperation and mopes about all love-lorn and such. As for the past, forget it. You were a different person then, and a newer, more gorgeous version of you is waiting to come out. So go and find her, and love her to smithereens. And tell her I said hi. [Smile]

Let's start with that.

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum. - Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid's Tale

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MusicNerd
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Hey Moonlight! You know, I never really thought about it like that, but that makes sense when you put it that way. [Smile]

Hey Patricia!
Damn! Your response left me with a lot to think about, so thanks for putting so much time into your reply.

As for why do I want a relationship with someone? To be honest, when I first saw your question, I thought to myself, “Yeah, seriously! Where the hell is all this nonsensical talk you’re spewing out coming from? You never felt this way in high school when practically everyone was in a relationship… In fact, you felt super uncomfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with anyone.” But then, I thought about it a little longer and I noticed that since living on-campus away from my parents, I feel a sense of freedom in terms of how I want to interact with crushes that I didn’t quite feel living at home with my folks.

It’s not that my parents forbid me from dating the whole entire time I was living with them, but for most of the time they pretty much discouraged me from the idea of doing so until some point later in high school (I vaguely remember my mom once upfront saying when I was a junior or senior that she was finally okay with me dating); but by that point the whole “no-dating” thing had stuck with me for so long and I was used to it, and I didn’t really picture my crushes as potential dating partners. My parents really wanted me to focus on academics and extra-curricular things and think more about spending time with friends and family instead of dating anyone. I don’t blame them for feeling that way, though; they wanted me to focus on more important things in my life, like how to have a more stable future than either of them had by getting a good education. I guess they figured I’d get distracted from other aspects of my life if I started dating too soon or something? I don’t know. I also kinda got the sense that they were happy that I was focused on other important things instead of acting so stereotypically "boy/girl-crazy" like a lot of my peers. Also, back then I was trying to figure out my sexual orientation and worrying about getting into college and etc. etc. so that also distracted me from thinking about dating.

For some reason, I would be really attracted to my crushes (visually and emotionally), but I just didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of dating at that point in my life. Now that I’m in a large college, I feel like I have more of an opportunity to date someone (if the person involved also wants to date me, too) and there are people I’ve met here that I finally view as potential dating partners. That’s not something I’m used to feeling… Not at all. I found it strange for a little while that I was even considering being in a relationship with anyone when I got here. I don’t know if my answer makes any sense since I feel like I was just rambling, but if it doesn’t make sense you can feel free to let me know. [Smile]

quote:
As cliched and hokey as it sounds, it's important that you learn to love your self first before you love anyone else, because there are going to be times when you won't have anyone else to depend on except your self; when the only friend you have is going to be your self, because your self is the only one who has been, and will continue to be, with you through thick and thin, ever since you were born. Think about that; if that were any body else, shouldn't they deserve a whole lot of love and respect before any one else who shows up later in your life?
When I read that, I was like, “Damn… I would never think of my close friends in the same negative way I think of myself sometimes.” That really made me look at the whole “love yourself” thing differently.

Yeah, there are plenty of things I’d like to do in my life. I’d love to be an environmental justice lawyer. [Smile] I’d also like to work out again once I feel better, and there are like a million other things I’d love to do. I pretty much try to stay distracted from these feelings that crop up sometimes by getting involved in different groups and activities at school. That seems to help me only feel like this every-now-and-then instead of all the time.

[ 03-22-2013, 01:00 AM: Message edited by: MusicNerd ]

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"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." ~Dr. Seuss

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WesLuck
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Yeah, you have to take care of yourself before you can get in a situation to take care of others. You learn how to interact with others by first understanding and loving yourself.
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